Hi Joe, I am trying to chart my weaknesses. I only have the audio book so I am not sure how you layed it out for us to do it. But I did a section in EXCEL on all the common themes (what if, black and white thinking, doubts etc) but I am not sure I understand how this is going to help me. I seemed to have filled up a bunch of cells quickly under these sections but does that mean I have to always keep around this log and keep writing in new ones?

Since as you say, when one habit grows weaker another is stronger. Once I stop thinking of one area that bothers me (i.e insecurity of gf) then another one will pop up..like maybe my job or something else.

You said to write down the trigger thoughts, I am finding this hard to do. Am I looking for the thoughts that come BEFORE I start to ruminate. I also found that some thoughts are both similar under the sections. ie-> What if thoughts are similar to doubt thoughts.

I know your a busy man so maybe just a yes or no if I'm doing this correctly and what my ultimate goal is with this weaknesses? Is it to be aware of the thoughts and scrutinize them and put a TRUTH beside them looking at things objectivly?

Thanks Dr Joe... going to buy your new book soon

Well, let me begin by saying that I don’t think I ever said that if you stop one habit of destructive thinking another will pop up. Perhaps I said something to the effect that this can or might happen—not that it necessarily will happen. Regardless, what you need to get in touch with is the generic understanding that insecurity expresses itself in many forms, i.e., worry, black and white thinking, rumination, perfectionism, etc. By listing and becoming familiar with your defensive, insecurity-driven attempts to control life, you’re always talking about some aspect of insecurity (regardless of how it gets expressed). Rather than making this too complex (i.e., writing down lists of trigger thoughts, etc.), begin to understand that all your defensive habits are attempts to control life in some fashion. What I’d rather you focus on is the ultimate liberation from this need to intellectualize and “figure” out your thoughts. What’s the ultimate focus? Recognizing that the end game of all anxiety is self-trust (not overthinking). Many insecure, anxiety driven people will overthink in an attempt to control their own coaching. The key isn’t overthinking (although this is a legitimate, preliminary way to lay a foundation for later trusting and letting go of over thinking and over analyzing). The key is becoming more reactive/trusting to life. The controlling person tries to figure everything out, while the trusting person relaxes his/her grip on controlling life and begins to become more instinctive, intuitive…more spontaneous. Anxiety is, first and foremost an attempt to prevent vulnerability (insecurity) by intellectually side-stepping life--often before it happens (i.e., by trying to anticipate problems that may or may not occur). Step three in my Self-talk section is the most important step—letting go. Letting go and trusting.

To answer you last question about which thoughts to evaluate when you ruminate (again, make sure you understand my above argument before becoming too detail oriented), it’s not important “which” thought you look for, but rather the gist of your thinking. For example if I’m ruminating about a meeting that’s coming up, I may start off by recognizing that I need to prepare more, then I might worry about whether or not I’ll succeed, then I might do some “what-iffing” (What if my boss thinks it’s shabby work?). You can see that all these thoughts are connected by the theme of insecurity…worry, what-iffing, doubt, etc. So, to answer your question, it’s more important to understand the general, insecurity themes that are being expressed. Once you do this, then you must look to taking that leap of faith (Self-Talk step 3) and instead of ruminating, trusting. Letting go of this incessant dance with insecurity and be willing to risk trusting that you will handle yourself “in the moment”…not before (with anticipatory anxiety).


Yours,
Dr. Joe


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