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Old 09-16-2004, 02:01 PM
Ginny Ginny is offline
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 2
Default When people dont want you healthy cause of their insecurity

First I would like to say That I admire your dedication to helping so many people through this website. It really helps to know you are not alone.

My question is about perceived vs. real threats.

I have struggled with anxiety & depression on & off for some years. I have used methods similar to self coaching esp. self talk. I was struggling with an intense bout and came back to a tape set I had used before "The Secret of Letting Go". Using the same concept as your method, it has helped tremendously. Using it on a situation that was distressing to me I was able to 'Let Go', take it one day if not one moment at a time, knowing that if things don't work out the way I wanted them to (control) it will not be the end of the world.

In a generic situation this works very well, but I am still struggling with anxieties about my marraige of 13 yrs. I has not been good (some physical abuse in the past, ongoing mental abuse, multiple affairs, etc). I consider myself pretty secure, yet I know that insecurity is what keeps me here. I also feel that when I start getting stronger my partner senses it and reacts negatively to it. Therefor the whole cycle starts again. I feel anxious & too weak & needy to leave. I know he doesn't want me strong cause I would then be able to get out of this situation. I am assuming these are codependancy issues and hope you have additional advice or help for this situation.

Question: How do I get past my anxieties when there are real (not perceived) threats of abuse and infidelity in my life? Also, how to I continue to get stronger when the other person sabotages all my hard work the minute they feel me getting stronger?

Thanks again Dr. Joe for your help & dedication to people in need.
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Old 09-17-2004, 01:17 PM
Dr. Joe Dr. Joe is offline
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 2,015

Dear Ginnyó
Just mentioned this equation in another e-mail this morning, let me restate it: The Power of Self-Coaching teaches that positive thinking is only fifty percent of the solution. The other fifty percent is positively believing. This is why Self-Coaching is so different from other cognitive approaches.

There are two kinds of life challenges. Those from the outside-in, which I call circumstance-driven, and those from the inside-out, which I call insecurity-driven. From your note it seems clear that you are struggling with both. In life, there are often circumstance-driven challenges that we canít change (physical illness or disability, losing a job, hurricanes, etc.), but in your case we have to be careful. You say, ìÖhow can I grow stronger when the other person sabotages allÖmy work.î Well, the truth is no one can sabotage ìyour workî (Iím assuming youíre talking about self-esteem, self-trust, happiness). As I see it, we either allow someone to hurt us or we donít. Self-Coaching is all about giving you the tools to break the insecurity-driven habits that contaminate your life and taking the resonsibility for creating the life you deserve. Regardless of the circumstances of your life, if insecurity is allowed to become a part of the equation, then you will suffer needlessly. Please take a look at the articles available on this site. Self-Coaching can make a difference in your struggle.
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