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  #1  
Old 11-23-2015, 07:29 PM
todayoklw todayoklw is offline
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Default really need to know what a 'normal' mind should be

I really need to know what a 'normal' mind should be, your Self-coaching (5 steps) method works, but as I don't know the 'normal' status, so I can't understand the 1st and 2nd steps (can understand the words and sentences, but don't know how to apply them into my own problems, it seems I need to know the 'normal' status first, then I can have a comparison), I think I'm close to the sound mind, just need to conquer the question above, sometimes it seems I know the 'normal', but I can't make sure of it as I don't understand why I can make such big mistake (unhealthy mind) in the past 20 years, I doubt what I feel(the 'normal' one I mentioned above), I need to make sure the 'normal' one I felt is the one the self-coaching want to achieve. How can I describe my problem with applying the Self-coaching method, sometimes when I can empty my mind (after concentrating on something), in this moment I'm clear-thinking, is this status the 'normal' mind?

Thank you!
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Old 11-24-2015, 05:53 AM
todayoklw todayoklw is offline
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Here are some examples:

- I want to buy some clothes -> begin to worry and begin to think what colour is right for me and what I should pay attention to -> feel tired/stressful, delay and finally give up. Just like you mention in the book, insecurity driven -> control. What will a person with security do? Wantting to buy clothes -> going and buying, is that it? In this case, I never know how other people will do.

- Being angry with my parents as their dereliction of duty in my childhood, if I have the balance of mind and have security, I will can find what I want in life/what life I want, then I just live a life happily and won't feel angry, is that it?

I can have lots of examples, the insecurity/bad habits/destructive thoughts/etc nearly work on everything I do/I think, I can imagine that I'm a self-confident/positive person (another me) and I can live life like this, but I'm not sure the 'another me' is the right one since the Nagative Me is the one I have from 11 yr old until now, I just want to make sure about it, so the 3rd, 4th and 5th steps of self-coaching are not difficult to me but the 1st and 2nd steps.

It seems my mind is weak (timid, hesitant, powerless, etc.), when I'm in this mode, what I do/think I don't feel are wrong as they're so resonable to me. How can I change completely? Now, I can beat the Nagative Me up and be the Positive Me, but I can't really accept the new one as I doubt it.
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Old 11-24-2015, 06:02 AM
todayoklw todayoklw is offline
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Another example: editting my reply in this post -> the 1st time I failed -> try again and succeed -> worry about something is wrong, then check the reply again -> still feel something is missed, then check it again and again. How can I find the balance?
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  #4  
Old 11-25-2015, 02:22 PM
Dr. Joe Dr. Joe is offline
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Insecurity will always torment you, if you let it. Because of insecurity, you find yourself filled with self-doubt. Nothing seems to be good enough. Of course you want not to make mistakes, but insecurity keeps insisting that you "missed" something and you go over it again and again. I always say that most perfectionists don't want to be perfect, they just don't want to mess up. Being "perfect" eliminates the fears associated with making mistakes. Unfortunately, perfectionism leads to a very stressful lifestyle. Try recognizing that what's tripping you up is more likely your insecurity, insisting that you missed something or that what you did isn't good enough. I realize this may be hard to figure out, especially if you are feeling anxious with your expression, but you can at least begin to ask yourself, the next time you find yourself spinning with uncertainty, "Is my hesitation based on fear or fact." If it's fact, that it should be obvious what's awry with your work product. If it's insecurity/fiction, then it will just be a "feeling" that something's wrong. And feelings aren't facts. At first practice with small challenges designed to develop your self trust and confidence. Eventually, as your self confidence and trust develop, so too will your intuition to separate facts from fictions.

Yours,
Dr. Joe


Disclaimer: The diagnosis of clinical anxiety or depressive disorders requires a physician or other qualified mental health professional. The information provided is intended for informational purposes only. Please understand that the opinions shared with you are meant to be general reference information, and are not intended as a diagnosis or substitute for counseling with your physician or other qualified mental health professional.

Self-Coaching.net provides access to resources and other information as a public service. Although reasonable efforts have been made to ensure that all electronic information made available is current, complete and accurate, Joseph J. Luciani, Ph.D. (Dr. Joe) does not warrant or represent that this information is current, complete and accurate. All information is subject to change on a regular basis, without notice.
Joseph J. Luciani, Ph.D., assumes no responsibility for any errors in the information provided, nor assumes any liability for any damages incurred as a consequence, directly or indirectly, of the use and application of any of the contents of the Self-Coaching.net Website.

Any electronic information or inquiries that Self-Coaching.net receives from visitors shall not be considered as, or treated as, confidential. The inclusion of, or linking to, other Website URLs does not imply my endorsement of, nor responsibility for, those Websites, but has been done as a convenience to my website visitors.
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  #5  
Old 11-25-2015, 07:51 PM
todayoklw todayoklw is offline
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Taking checking the window everynight for over 10 times as an example, I can have 2 status:

The first status - if I don't close all of the windows, some unkown horrific things will happen, check the windows again and again and still feel something unfinished. My mind is weak, nagative and powerless in this mode.

The second status - Close the windows, in this progress what I'm thinking is completely diffrent with the frist status, in the whole progress I'm positive, dare to trust, it seems the world is full of newness and I'm eager to find what will happen next.

Do you mean the second mode is the right one?
'if I don't close all of the windows, some unkown horrific things will happen', this is self-doubt thinking, right?
In the second mode, I just follow the intuition and no self-doubt, this is self trust and confidence, right?

I want to rebuild my inside world, including self-trust/self-confidence/trust/security/and all of the important psychological characters, my problem is, if I don't have them I can't understand them through words and sentences, if I feel them from life, I can't make sure what I felt is self-confidence/self-trust/security/etc.:'(

Thanks for your reply.
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  #6  
Old 11-26-2015, 01:51 PM
Dr. Joe Dr. Joe is offline
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With obsessions or compulsions (i.e., closing windows ten times), recognize that your insecurity and self-doubt is victimizing you. Insecurity and self-doubt are your enemies and you must steel yourself to risk not being manipulated by these obsessions/compulsions. It's like standing up to a bully, if you keep running away, the bully owns you. You need to stand your ground and so, "No!" I'm not running away (I'm not checking the windows again, I'm going to stand my ground and "risk" trusting that I did, in fact, close the windows correctly the first time). Your anticipation that something terrible is going to happen if you don't comply is your bully trying to control you...at some point you have to risk the terrible thing (which, of course, is merely a fantasy) and find out that nothing bad will actually happen. Often obsessions and compulsions are attempts to control fate (i.e., an insecure person will want to be safe and trying to control life--repeating an act over and over--makes them feel they are doing what's necessary to avoid bad things from happening.) At some point you will need to decide (I guess this is your phase 2 suggestion) that you're going to risk trusting yourself to allow life to unfold without trying to control it. You will only be able to achieve this is you're will to risk bad things happening. This is a difficult concept to explain easily. You see, if you're always running from the "bully" then you'll never feel safe. Only when you insist on not giving in to your obsessions/compulsions will you finally stop your fleeing. When I was young, I felt there was a dreadful man living in my attic, called Clarence. I was afraid to go up to the attic. Finally, one day, I decided that enough was enough...I went up to the attic and found that there was no Clarence. You too must go to your attic (insecurity) and realize there is nothing there that is actually threatening you!

Yours,
Dr. Joe

Disclaimer: The diagnosis of clinical anxiety or depressive disorders requires a physician or other qualified mental health professional. The information provided is intended for informational purposes only. Please understand that the opinions shared with you are meant to be general reference information, and are not intended as a diagnosis or substitute for counseling with your physician or other qualified mental health professional.

Self-Coaching.net provides access to resources and other information as a public service. Although reasonable efforts have been made to ensure that all electronic information made available is current, complete and accurate, Joseph J. Luciani, Ph.D. (Dr. Joe) does not warrant or represent that this information is current, complete and accurate. All information is subject to change on a regular basis, without notice.
Joseph J. Luciani, Ph.D., assumes no responsibility for any errors in the information provided, nor assumes any liability for any damages incurred as a consequence, directly or indirectly, of the use and application of any of the contents of the Self-Coaching.net Website.

Any electronic information or inquiries that Self-Coaching.net receives from visitors shall not be considered as, or treated as, confidential. The inclusion of, or linking to, other Website URLs does not imply my endorsement of, nor responsibility for, those Websites, but has been done as a convenience to my website visitors.
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  #7  
Old 11-26-2015, 05:52 PM
todayoklw todayoklw is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by todayoklw View Post
Taking checking the window everynight for over 10 times as an example, I can have 2 status:

The first status - if I don't close all of the windows, some unkown horrific things will happen, check the windows again and again and still feel something unfinished. My mind is weak, nagative and powerless in this mode.

The second status - Close the windows, in this progress what I'm thinking is completely diffrent with the frist status, in the whole progress I'm positive, dare to trust, it seems the world is full of newness and I'm eager to find what will happen next.

Do you mean the second mode is the right one?
'if I don't close all of the windows, some unkown horrific things will happen', this is self-doubt thinking, right?
In the second mode, I just follow the intuition and no self-doubt, this is self trust and confidence, right?

I want to rebuild my inside world, including self-trust/self-confidence/trust/security/and all of the important psychological characters, my problem is, if I don't have them I can't understand them through words and sentences, if I feel them from life, I can't make sure what I felt is self-confidence/self-trust/security/etc.:'(

Thanks for your reply.
Thank you so much for your patience.

Using your stroy as the example, how to know the man doesn't exist? I think THIS IS the problem of mine, I really think what I'm worried about are reasonable, they are facts, to seperate facts from fictions is really difficult to me, it seems I need a comparison to know the difference between them, or I already know their difference, as when I empty my mind (some kind of like meditation, I mean the function), at this moment, my head is clear-thinking, it seems I know what are facts, can I use this status as my comparison? I mean using the feeling in the clear-thinking status as the comparison, this feeling are facts.
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