Gotta love Dr. Seuss: “Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.” According to Self-Coaching, when it comes to defining your goals, don’t compare yourself to anyone else, simply bring out the best “you” possible. Do this and you maximize your inherent potential for ongoing success.

As much as we’d like to stay forever happy, alas, happiness is…ephemeral. Which is why you need to savor those precious moments where you are in synch with your world, where you are separate from your insecurities and anticipations. Although happiness can come and go, one thing is certain, the more you occupy yourself with living in the moment rather than in the abstract worrisome future or regrettable past, the more you can insist on being happy, if not all of the time, at least most of the time.

Whether it’s eating healthfully, staying focused at work, watching the kids, exercising, or striving toward a goal, if part of you is living with one foot in the present experience and the other foot out, distracted with past or future concerns (especially worrisome doubts, fears or negatives), then the truth is, your life is being fractured.

Starting today, work to be more “present” in whatever you do. You’ll need to step apart from congested thinking and focus on the world in front of you. This may take some practice, but if you work at it, you’ll be rewarded with a life of connectedness and purpose.

The secret to a successful life is that it’s not a secret. According to Self-Coaching, risk believing in yourself, value yourself, be willing to endure discomfort in order to achieve, and never fall prey to negativity. Cultivate optimism, do not dwell in doubt, and manage your fears. Most importantly, trust that you will find you need.

There’s a German proverb that goes: begin to weave and God will give you the thread. From a more secular, Self-Coaching perspective, start to “weave,” (i.e., believe in yourself) and the threads of happiness will find you. Sounds a bit far-fetched? Well, not if you begin to risk trusting (self and life). Trust allows you to begin to liberate yourself from relying on insecurity’s need to over-control life. And when you loosen your grip on trying to control life, you begin to allow your instinctual, intuitive, responsive abilities to handle what comes your way in life. It’s the incessant, worrisome figuring and anticipating that bogs you down. For the insecure control-person, when it comes to discovering a liberated life, believing in yourself may feel risky at first…until you see the benefits, i.e., a happy life.

Ever heard of toxic positivity? Well, I never did either until Lauren told me about it this week. In this Self-Coaching episode, we define toxic positivity as the excessive and ineffective attempt(s) to gloss over someone’s struggle by offering such platitudes as, “chin up,” “things could be worse.” Although well intentioned, these cliches can often cause shame or guilt for a person stuck in their struggles who might be feeling stuck and unable to “chin-it-up.”

And don’t think these gems of optimism are reserved just for others, we often dismiss our own true feelings with Pollyanna, sugary thoughts as, ‘everything happens for a reason.’So why is this important? The reason it’s important to understand toxic positivity is because it often results in the denial, minimization, and invalidation of someone’s struggles. Instead of toxic positivity, Lauren and I discuss a better approach to dealing with the here-and-now struggles of those that we care about.

Patients are always telling me how “guilty” they feel about letting someone down, not returning a phone call, or simply not getting to the gym. What is this thing we call guilt?

From a Self-Coaching perspective, I define guilt as a feeling that you’ve done something wrong. Not getting to the gym, for example, is clearly not doing something wrong, but may leave you feeling guilty and distressed the whole day. So, why do we feel guilty?

The simple answer is that insecurity has introduced an element of self-distrust. This usually takes the form of a “should” statement. I “should” have gone to the gym, I should have made that phone call, and so on. But who says you “should?” If insecurity is insisting on you being a perfect person who does everything you’re “supposed to” do, then it’s inevitable that you will fail (i.e., feel guilty). Or go crazy trying to be perfect.

Next time you feel guilty, ask yourself an important question: “did I do anything wrong?” Be careful with your answer, because, for example, not calling your mother for a day may “feel” wrong, but that isn’t necessarily the objective truth. It’s up to you to separate yourself from your neurotic “shoulds” and “have tos” and insist on being more objective. Not calling your mother may be a result of being too busy, distracted, or preoccupied, but it is not wrong!

All too often guilt is a cheap shot perpetrated by insecurity. It’s a good thing to be responsible, but it’s a neurotic thing not to have a choice.

#guilt

In this second part of our Self-Coaching series on the psychology of relating in cyber space, Lauren and I continue our conversation, highlighting both the positive and negative aspects social media. There’s no question that social media is here to stay, as long as you have balance between real and cyber relationships and, as long as you’re willing to embrace moderation and mindfulness in your usage, social media can enhance and expand your universe. Just keep in mind that sometimes, when it comes to happiness and psychological well-being, less is often more.

Caterpillars are compelled to laboriously crawl through life, inch by inch. If caterpillars could feel, perhaps they would be quite depressed. How different the caterpillar’s life would be If they could know about the liberated, butterfly life that lies ahead. How different your life will be if you live with optimistic expectations that one day you too will fly.

In this Self-Coaching podcast, Lauren and I discuss how our hectic, high-pressure world seems to lend itself to the escape, stimulation, and distraction of social media. There is, however, a downside to squeezing more and more cyber-stimulation into your day-to-day life. When round-the-clock, hyper-connectivity begins to become compulsive, if not addictive, it may be time to hit the pause button and clarify your intentions.

There’s no question that social media is here to stay, as long as you have balance between real and cyber relationships and as long as you’re willing to embrace moderation and mindfulness in your usage, social media can enhance and expand your universe. Nevertheless, it is important to keep in mind that sometimes, when it comes to happiness and psychological well-being, less is often more.

When it comes to happiness, optimists have many advantages. When it comes to happiness, pessimists have no advantages!      

If you aren’t making any mistakes in life, you’re either lying or your cautiousness is driving you crazy!

Being a gardener, I’ll admit, when I see a dandelion’s bright, yellow flower in my lawn, I can’t wait to pluck the offending weed. And yet, what exactly is the difference between a weed and a flower? The difference is our perception. All things in life depend on our interpretation. Struggle, for example, can be seen as a curse or a cause to evolve. If stumbling teaches you to pay more attention to your path, can we say that stumbling was a bad thing? Embrace life, all life!

You can begin to start unlearning emotional struggle right now with my Mind Talk Step One & Two videosMind Talk is part of the overall Self-Coaching program found in my book, “Unlearning Anxiety & Depression: the 4-Step Self-Coaching program to reclaim your life.”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5bxoy3-AxRM&t=37s

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b7rmlKDH-zA&t=360s

Be honest, do you really want to turn your life around? If so, then do what you can today to stop indulging doubts, fears, and negative thinking. Do this with whatever means are at your disposal, no matter where you are in life and no matter how challenging the task. In other words, today is a perfect day to restart your life!

Recently, I’ve been struggling with trying convey to my patients the importance of “presence,” which is the “art” of staying in the present moment and not allowing insecurity to project worries into the future or past struggles to plague us. Well, last night I had a dream that seemed to offer a solution. In the dream I was sitting with a patient who was ruminating about a closet that was in disarray and how she just couldn’t get it organized. After letting her go on and on for a while, I interrupted her ruminations and asked her the question, “Where is the closet now?” She told me it was in her bedroom. I asked again, “Where is the closet now?” She was getting a bit agitated with my questions until I offered, “There is no closet in this room, just you and I. The closet with all the discomfort you’re inflicting, exists in “this room” only because you are visiting that closet in your mind!

We carry our insecurities like baggage, often ruining our best chance for having solace in the moment. Where is your closet?

In this Self-Coaching episode, Lauren and I discuss the many reasons why people have difficulty accepting gifts or acts of kindness. One overarching reason, driven by insecurity, is ‘over-thinking.’ “Why did she offer to take me?” “He’s just saying he likes me; I don’t buy it.” Another reason is low self-esteem—not feeling worthy. There are many expressions of this problem, including distrust, feeling out of control, fear of strings being attached, feeling awkward, and so on. Isn’t it time to stop allowing insecurity to call the shots?

Learning to say a simple, “Thank you,” can go a long way in liberating you from these needless life tensions. It’s all about learning acceptance by opening up your mind and heart.

Self-Coaching is a psychological approach to life designed to teach you to overcome emotional struggle by developing your self-trust muscle. And what is self-trust? It’s the willingness to risk believing in yourself. And does it work? Just ask Dr. Seuss: “Yes indeed, yes indeed! Ninety-eight and three-quarters percent guaranteed!”

In this Self-Coaching episode, Lauren and I discuss how to neutralize negative imprints from the past. Obviously, not all historical imprints are negative, but some are. It’s time to learn to neutralize those reflexive imprints that don’t serve us. How? One-by-one, neuron by neuron, brain circuit by circuit. Yes, you can begin to neutralize these troublesome imprints and habits by training yourself to live according to life’s here and now facts rather than historical, knee-jerk contamination.

It’s time to become more aware of your reflexive beliefs and reactions to life. Time to decide what serves you and what hurts you. Do this and you will be actively starting a process of reprogramming your brain to go from struggle to solace, from past contamination to present living.

My grandmother used to say, “You can’t stop a bird from flying into your hair, but you don’t have to help it build a nest.” When it comes to doubt, fear, or negative worrying, you may not be able to stop the first thought from percolating up into your mind, but you sure as hell can stop yourself from dancing with a second, third, or fourth thought. Stay mentally disciplined–you won’t regret it!

Check out my Youtube version of how to employ this technique

Let’s face it, if weren’t for sickness you wouldn’t value health. If it weren’t for evil you wouldn’t understand the value what is good. If you never worked, free time wouldn’t be as valuable? And if it weren’t for cloudy, stormy days, you might take sunshine for granted? To live a full life of appreciation and perspective, you must embrace all of life.

Whether it’s losing weight, a fitness goal, or working on your self-esteem, ever wonder why some wind up quitting while others go on to succeed? Of course, there are many reasons why people don’t succeed, but none more impactful than a loss of confidence. Once you align yourself with pessimism, defeat isn’t far off. Embracing optimism on the other hand…

When it comes to putting our needs ahead of others we often wind up feeling that we’re being selfish. If doing something restorative, like going for a walk, taking a yoga class or simply taking a time out, leaves you with a case of the “guilts,” then it’s time to realize that there needs to be a new word to describe healthy, restorative care of ourselves. The word selfish is typically used to describe egocentric, narcissistic striving, but what’s a word for healthy selfishness? The best Self-Coaching word I can come up with is self-respect.

#guilt

I love George Carlin’s quote: “If you try to fail and succeed, which have you done?” If you sabotage your efforts with doubt, fear or negativity you will, unfortunately, succeed at failing.

In this Self-Coaching episode, Lauren and I discuss emotional triggers. Triggers are any word, person, event, or experience that “triggers” an immediate emotional reaction. Although triggers can be positive reactions to a stimulus, our focus in this episode will be on our negative, knee-jerk reactions that we often come to regret.

We’ve all experienced being “triggered” or as they say, having our buttons pushed. Although triggers are reflexive, non-thinking reactions, that doesn’t mean you have to be victimized by them. Not once you learn to detach, re-center, and focus on various coping strategies. With a bit of hindsight, you can learn to become more aware of the signs in your body that you’re reacting to a trigger, allowing you to become less susceptible to being emotionally manipulated. Like any other habit, if triggers are inadvertently reinforced, they will persist, but, as you’ll learn from this podcast, with a bit of understanding and practice, even knee-jerk triggers and be neutralized.

Some excuse themselves from life’s challenges by believing they “can’t” succeed. Others simply bury their heads in the sands of denial. Truth is, most unsuccessful people don’t want to tolerate the discomfort inherent in change. Remember the words of Yoda, “Do or do not…,” everything else is simply an excuse.

According to the proverb, “Stumbling is not falling.” As you strive each day to reach your goals, keep in mind it’s unlikely that you won’t stumble on the way. Don’t let setbacks, miscues, or delays derail your efforts. And even if you do happen to fall now and then, there’s another worthwhile proverb, “Seven times down, eight times up.”

How do you handle being stuck in traffic, a slow line at the grocery store, or a slow Internet connection? Are you too impatient? Low frustration tolerance? If so, it’s time to stop torturing yourself when trying to handle life’s inevitable bouts of impatience. Only you can decide if the cost of being patient is worth it, but if it’s worth it, then join Lauren and I in this Self-Coaching episode and learn to begin taming your impatience rather than being victimized by it.

From a Self-Coaching perspective, a happier, satisfying life depends on a willingness to risk believing that you can handle life’s challenges. That doesn’t sound so difficult or complicated, right? It may sound simple, but if I were to tell you to go ahead and stop worrying about your finances, ruminating about the fact that you’re getting older, or that your headache isn’t brain cancer, do you think you can simply stop? Probably not.

The solution is to just imagine allowing life to unfold without trying to anticipate or control it, with the conviction that you can and will handle what comes your way. Hard to even imagine such an unburdened life, huh? If so, recognize that self-trust is an acquired habit. Starting today, start taking the risk that, regardless of any emotional sabotage, you really, really can handle life. After all, you’ve made it this far, what’s to say you won’t handle today or tomorrow’s challenges? Stop allowing insecurity to tell you what you can and can’t handle…take the risk, believe in yourself.

Whether it’s your bedtime ritual each night, your shower in the morning, or brushing your teeth, we all have repetitive habits that we might loosely call “compulsive.” These habits simply make our world feel more in sync—in control. Just try to skip taking that shower or not brushing your teeth and see if you find yourself fidgeting a bit. We are, after all, creatures of habit. Unfortunately, our inherent nature to form habits is indiscriminate, habits can be positive contributors to our lives or they can be the fuel for anxiety or depression.

For our purpose of Self-Coaching, what’s important is to differentiate normal from neurotic compulsive behavior. You do this by asking what’s driving your behavior. When your bedtime ritual, shower, jog, or brushing your teeth are driven by positive desire and a sense of wellbeing, that’s healthy, and that’s normal. But when compulsivity is driven by insecurity, then the driving force isn’t positive, it’s destructive. Insecurity, that which leaves us feeling vulnerable and helpless, looks to gain control by ritualistically repeating any behavior that quells the gnawing discomfort within. Many addictions and destructive habits fall into this category, however, there is a lot of gray. At the very least, try to differentiate the “have-tos” in your life from the “want-tos.”

#compulsivity #ocd

Okay, so you’re offended, you’re angry, your feelings are hurt, maybe it’s time to forgive. Why? Because resentment and anger are poisons that you take. It’s like carrying a packpack with a 20 pound weight on your back. Why not simply let it go? One reason is because on some neurotic level, you’re wanting to retaliate by “hating” or holding a grudge toward the offending person. Or maybe you’re tying to teach them a lesson by being angry, whatever the reason, remember, you’re the one carrying the 20 pounds on your back, not the other person; you become your own victim.

You deserve better and in this Self-Coaching episode, Lauren and I discuss how, by practicing forgiveness, you can learn to drop the 20 pound backpack–letting go of your own poison. Forgiveness isn’t necessarily forgetting or excusing the offending person, it’s simply letting go and releasing your own toxic feelings and moving on with your life.

I was working with a patient recently who lamented, “Nothing I do matters.” What about you? Do you feel like your days are a meaningless shuffle without merit or purpose? There’s a wonderful Zen adage that sums up the essence and simplicity of life: chop wood, carry water. According to Self-Coaching, finding serenity, happiness and meaning in your life doesn’t have to be complicated, not if whatever you do, you just do it with your full attention and your full heart. Do this and you’ll never need to ask, “What’s the meaning of life?”

Ever hear the expression that, “Some of us are like wheelbarrows, only useful when pushed and easily upset.” If you’re waiting to be pushed by someone else, by outside circumstances, or when you luck turns—you’re a wheelbarrow!

When I was a kid growing up Catholic we weren’t allowed to eat fish on Friday’s. It was a sin. To this day, fish just don’t seem to taste as good on Fridays. I realize that habits are learned and habits can be broken, but habits that operate just under the radar can follow you through life.

Watch out for those subtle, reflexive habits that were once neurotically imprinted. For example, a faulty, historical perception that you’re not okay or you’ll never be happy. Challenge emotional fictions with here-and-now facts.

And if you happen to be eating fish this Friday, enjoy!

Be honest, do you really want to turn your life around? If so, then do what you can today to stop indulging doubts, fears, and negative thinking. Do this with whatever means are at your disposal, no matter where you are in life and no matter how challenging the task. In other words, today is a perfect day to restart your life

Check out this week’s Self-Coaching Podcast

In this Self-Coaching episode Lauren and I discuss ways to expand your life beyond your “comfort zone.” There’s a saying that goes, ‘If you aim at nothing, you’ll hit it every time.’ The longer you do nothing about what you want out of life, the longer you will live with empty dreams. There’s no doubt that wishful thinking can ever replace purpose-driven determination and action.

A successful life doesn’t come looking for you, it must be sought, pursued and embraced. This episode will help you find something to aim at, while understanding the hesitations and self-doubt that may be holding you back from a more expansive life potential that exists. Is it time to expand your horizons?

“Today’s not a good day”? “I have to go to work.” I have to do the bills.” Before you resign yourself to just “getting through” another day, recognize what you’re doing. For starters, you’re conceding that today won’t be an opportunity for anything worthwhile. We call this a self-fulfilling prophecy, i.e., what you tell yourself and what you believe, is what you and your life become. Stop prejudicing yourself with a short-sighted, pessimistic attitude. Instead, open yourself up to the awareness that every day–in spite of your whining–is an opportunity, an adventure, and the truth is, you don’t know what may be around the next corner. As the saying goes, when the pupil is ready, the teacher appears.”

Weather forecasting is a metaphor for our current lives. When I was growing up, you rolled out of bed only to be surprised by a rainy or sunny day, now, at least as far as our ten-day weather forecasting is concerned, there are no surprises.Like the weather forecast, we’ve come to abhor surprises. We tell ourselves that being prepared (a.k.a., worrying) is essential and that not worrying (god forbid) is a much too risky.

Okay, I can see where knowing what’s coming before it comes can sound appealing, but there is a trade-off, it’s called spontaneity.

Living your life in the future—regardless of the accuracy of your predictions—is, and will always be, at the expense of living your life in the moment—spontaneously. And when it comes happiness, serenity, and well-being, where do you think you have a better chance—living your life today or ten days from now?

In this Self-Coaching episode, Lauren and I discuss various strategies for managing fear. Fear is an instinctual response to danger (real or imagined). When the danger is real, like with COVID, fear mobilizes our resources to protect us from harm. And this is a good thing. When fear is associated with insecurity, however, then we wind up protecting ourselves, not from actual danger, but from fear itself (the “what-ifs”). When this happens, fear can easily morph into anxiety.

How do you tell the difference? Fear that has been cannibalized by insecurity is primarily a projection of the what-ifs, “What if I get sick?” “What if I lose my job?” Although seemingly reasonable, “what-if,” insecurity-driven fear deals with an uncertain future. Since the future doesn’t exist, these fears should be thought of as projections of our insecurity. Join us as we discuss various Self-Coaching approaches that can go a long way toward managing and eliminating everyday fears and related anxieties.

Mythologist, Joseph Campbell wrote: “We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us.” All too often we tend to “over-steer” our lives, worrying, anticipating, micro-managing, trying desperately to control what’s ahead. If you really want to find solace, happiness, and psychological well-being, try a bit of Self-Coaching advice and loosen your grip on life’s steering wheel…simply take a self-trust leap and let things unfold, naturally and spontaneously. It may feel risky at first, but it’s not risky at all.

Most people experience social fears and anxieties from time to time. And for most people these fears are mild and short-lived. But for someone suffering from a Social Anxiety Disorder, the fears and anxiety are anything but mild or transient. Simple things like eating or drinking in public, making eye contact while talking, or using a public bathroom can all become insurmountable challenges.

From a Self-Coaching perspective, a habit-loop of insecurity has created a profound state of self-distrust and loss of confidence. This distrust is so pervasive that one is forced to constantly monitor every action, always trying to access the social dangers of the moment. Everyday life can become a living hell as someone with social anxieties tries to navigate in a world where they feel constantly in the spotlight, where every act is scrutinized and judged by others.Typical symptoms associated with Social Anxiety Disorder are:● Anxiety about being exposed to possible scrutiny or judgment by others● Anxiety that you will act in a way that will be humiliating or embarrassing● Anxiety in most social situations ● Attempting to avoid social situations, but if endured, creating intense stress and anxiety● Persistence of social fears, avoidance, and anxiety

#socialanxiety #selfcoaching

One of the most important gifts of a long life is being able to see things more clearly. It’s called perspective, the ability to see what really matters. When I was younger, I suspect like most, I chased many a rainbow, never realizing how ephemeral rainbows can be. Now, rather than wasting time, I’m digesting time. My guess is that a truly meaningful life is discovering what matters—what really matters. I heard it said the other day that it’s the reason you don’t see a Brink’s truck following a hearse to the cemetery. Make today matter.

How much of a role do genes determine your personality? Your happiness? Can we actually change who we are? In this Self-Coaching podcast, Lauren and I discuss how to “reinvent” yourself into the person you want to be and the person you deserve to be. There’s a line from a poem that goes, “Stone wall do not a prison make, nor iron bars a gage.” Sure, there are genetic predispositions, but there’s a lot of wiggle room as to what exactly can and can’t be changed in your life. It’s not walls, iron bars, or genetics that imprison us…it’s our thoughts, perceptions, and faulty beliefs.

You may have a genetic tendency towards certain traits, but your life is NOT predetermined! Starting today with this podcast, learn to abandon your fixed-mindset by replacing it with a growth-mindset. What you believe is what you become. And don’t let anyone tell you differently.

Mark Twain once wrote, ” Do not put off until tomorrow what can be put off till day-after-tomorrow just as well.” What exactly is procrastination? From a Self-Coaching perspective, procrastination is often a face-saving ploy–it’s hard to admit that you have no will power. And sometimes procrastination is nothing more than conceding to laziness without taking responsibility for it. Procrastination is a choice, a choice the weakens your self-trust muscle.

Neurotic, a favorite word of psychologists, is a term that can lead to some confusion. From a Self-Coaching perspective neurotic worry-anxiety is based on insecurity-driven, emotional “fictions” rather than on objective facts. ● Neurotic worry-anxiety is exaggerated, ruminative, and disproportionate to a real or imagined threat (the “what-ifs,” etc.). ● “Normal,” non-insecurity driven worry-anxiety is a proportionate reaction to a factual threat (impending surgery, loss of a job, upcoming blizzard, etc.).

#worry #neuroticworry #selfcoaching

Do you waste much time thinking about what you should have done, might have done, or are going to do? To live a more contented, happy life, rather than wasting more time sulking about the coulda, woulda, shoulda’s of your life, start to recognize that the problem is your perception that gets you in trouble—the perception that you should be doing something else. If you live in the present moment, investing all your attention and heart, then, regardless of the task at hand, you will never waste another moment wondering if you coulda, woulda, shoulda done things differently.  

Don’t ever make the mistake of thinking that your genetics or your environment are keeping you from your goals. Sure, you may have a genetic tendency towards certain traits, but your life is NOT predetermined! Starting today, rather than a fixed-mindset, embrace a growth-mindset. What you believe is what you become. And don’t let anyone tell you differently!

#happiness #selfcoaching

One thing I’ve learned from my studies in neuroplasticity (i.e., how learning changes the anatomy of the brain) is that in order to change a brain-habit you must practice the new behavior (for example,  being happy). And if you don’t know how to be happy, simply act “as-if” you’re happy. Do this for 15 minutes a day for 15 weeks. Give it a shot, you’ve got nothing to lose, except your unhappiness.

#happyness #happyhabit #selfcoaching

Who and what you are today will determine who and what you are tomorrow. Saying this differently, you are living your future today.

According to my Self-Coaching calculations, today you have been gifted with 1,440 minutes. Will you take at least one of these minutes to be thankful for the 1,439 minutes of opportunity that await you?

I woke up early this morning and mindlessly tore off May 11th on our kitchen calendar revealing that today is May 12th, 2021. It got me thinking. Only for today, and never again, will I be able to say that today is May 12th, 2021. Silly, but there was something disquieting about that revelation…a kind of sad recognition of the fleeting nature of time.

Perhaps you don’t need a calendar to remind you, but then again, maybe we all need to remind ourselves how very precious each day is. Maybe this is why the poets love flowers, because they are irreplaceable, of the moment, and never to bloom again. I shall do my very best to appreciate today, May 12, 2021, how about you?

Inactivity, procrastination, laziness, ever wonder why you try to anesthetize yourself from life as if you’re trying to avoid something painful? Never doubt that the greatest pain is the realization of a life half-lived.

STEP ONE: Decide what you want out of life.

STEP TWO: Rid your mind of doubts, fears, and negative thinking.

STEP THREE: There is no step three. The life you want and the life you deserve is a two step process!

True happiness is an incorruptible attitude that exists independent of life’s circumstances. Living a fulfilled, happy life isn’t something you wish for–it’s something you choose! Starting today, regardless of what goes on around you, recognize that you and you alone make the decision as to what kind of day it will be. You’re in charge, BE in charge!

What stops you from achieving your goals? What exactly is the resistance that keeps us from taking charge of our lives and realizing our intentions? As complex and multifaceted as the answer to this query may be, one way or another it all boils down to self-discipline. And from a Self-Coaching perspective, what’s self-discipline? It’s the ability to willfully endure the transient discomfort of changing who and what you are. You’re not born with self-discipline, it’s acquired. Like a muscle, you need to develop your self-discipline muscle, one challenge at a time.

#successinlife #selfdiscipline #selfcoaching

Some people will mercilessly label themselves as “failure,” “loser,” “weakling,” “having no luck,” and so on. Unfortunately, we wind up identifying with these labels and they become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Whenever you label yourself as, for example, a “failure” or “loser,” you tend to embrace this as if it’s a life sentence. It’s not! Your current “self-snapshot” has nothing to do with your future—unless of course you’re determined to bury your head in the sands of doubt, fear, and negativity, and retreat from the potential success that’s at your fingertips. According to Self-Coaching, what you tell yourself and what you believe, is what you become.

See if you can resist the temptation of over-thinking your life today and instead, allow the day unfold, naturally and spontaneously. Be reactive rather than proactive. You might be surprised how effortless life can become. The late mythologist Joseph Campbell once said that we must be willing to relinquish the life we’ve planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us. Lose the self-doubt, be courageous to let go of your chronic fears, and by all means recognize that negativity is a habit that you don’t have to indulge…do this and you’ll find the life that’s waiting for you.

#overthinking #selfcoaching

There’s no doubt that we humans are hardwired to adapt to life’s ever-changing challenges. Clearly, COVID 19 has demanded that we adapt to a new, more restricted way of life. Some have struggled, some have whined, but somehow, we’ve all made it through last year. How about you? Did you resist the inevitable restrictions and demands? How about now, are you adapting to this seemingly transitional period where it’s a kind of one-foot-in, one-foot-out experience of “almost” getting back to some semblance of normalcy?

In this Self-Coaching episode, Lauren and I discuss the dynamics of why some people are more “adaptable,” while others resist, becoming overly cautious, pessimistic, or hesitant to change. Whether or not you are adaptable or not, join us to explore what can be done to enhance your ability and willingness to change, adapt, and transcend, not only this pandemic, but any and all of life’s inevitable and ongoing challenges.

Your brain only does what it is programmed to do. So, don’t blame your brain for your emotional struggles; blame the faulty programming that results from insecurity’s insistence that you need to over-control life. And make no mistake, insecurity relies on the passivity of your conscious mind to remain viable. Neuron by neuron, circuit by circuit, when you turn away from passivity and begin to use what I call “active-mind” to train yourself to live according to life’s facts rather than emotional fictions, you are literally beginning the process of reprogramming your brain to go from struggle to solace.

Self-Coaching advice: if you’re a mouse, beware of the free cheese. If you’re a person, beware of life’s free lunches: money, power, status. Don’t loose sight of what really servers you and what really will hurt you.

Be honest, do you really want to turn your life around?  If so, then do what you can today to stop indulging doubts, fears, and negative thinking. Do this with whatever means are at your disposal, no matter where you are in life and no matter how challenging the task.  In other words, today is a perfect day to restart your life!

 Yes you can!

Change ain’t easy

From a Self-Coaching perspective, change and discomfort are often inseparable. To fly, a bird must leave the comfort of its nest, the butterfly must writhe until it sheds its cocoon. To progress to life’s next step, whether it’s liberating yourself from neurotic thinking, becoming more productive, or learning self-trust, you too must evolve, change, and yes, you too must be willing to endure some discomfort along the way. Starting today, whatever it takes, begin your personal evolution. Make this your mantra, “whatever it takes!” For those who insist on avoiding the responsibility and tenacity necessary to change…they will never fly.

#change #selfcoaching

Bumble bees are not supposed to fly. Their body weighs too much and their wingspan is too short. Thank goodness the bumble bee doesn’t know these facts. Self-Coaching asks: what are the supposed “facts” that are holding you back?

In today’s podcast, Lauren and I discuss the fact that true happiness is an incorruptible attitude that exists independent of life’s circumstances. Whether the impediment to your happiness is caused by insecurity, life circumstances, or a faulty perspective, according to Self-Coaching, living a fulfilled, happy life isn’t something you wish for—it’s something you can learn to choose. Regardless of what’s going on around you, we suggest strategies that you can begin to employ today, enabling you to tap into your true potential for the happiness you want and the happiness you deserve.

1.) It’s user friendly. Self-Coaching from its very inception was designed to minimize the dependency of a patient on his or her therapist.

2.) The concepts make common sense. You don’t need a Ph.D. to understand what’s going on and what you need to do to progress.

3.) By treating anxiety, depression, and emotional struggle as habits, you eliminate the need for endless interpretations. You learn what you’re doing that feeds these habits and what you can do to starve them.

4.) By learning specific exercises that require active practice, you actually restructure your brain. Old brain-habits are neutralized (unlearned), and new positive habits are established.

It’s important to understand that certain antidepressants work better for some people and not others. It’s also not uncommon to try different medications during treatment. Some people may also require more than one medication to achieve optimal results. Working with your doctor, you can discuss the risks as well as benefits of antidepressant medication in order to optimize your treatment. It’s important to keep in mind that taking medication isn’t an exact science where one-size-fits-all.

Although the prescribing of these medications is far from being haphazard, it is essentially a trial-and-error process to assess your unique requirements. With moderate to severe intransigent depression, medication is often an essential adjunct to therapy, which is why I call medication a therapy facilitator. Studies have shown that with moderate to severe depression, therapy or medication alone are not as effective as the combining the two

#anxietymedication #depressionmedication #selfcoaching

Every challenge, no matter how small, is an opportunity to grow in self respect, confidence, and self-trust. Every setback, no matter how significant, is an opportunity to grow in self-respect, confidence and self-trust. In the grand scheme life, there should be no regrets, only appreciation for the opportunities to grow toward your full potential.

#selfcoaching #regrets #selfconfidence

There are several differences between general anxiety disorder (GAD) and what we might call “normal” worry-anxiety. First, those with GAD suffer from excessive worrying that typically interferes with everyday life functioning, while those dealing with normal worry-anxiety would not classify their anxieties as “excessive,” and might even perceive their worries as manageable since they are able to step apart from these worries when required to function with day-to-day demands. Second, the worrying of those with GAD can occur without precipitant (i.e., a stressful, challenging circumstance), the quality of the worrying is more ruminative and distressing and will persist for a longer duration than normal worry-anxiety, and the range of worry-thoughts is less connected to a given circumstance and more diffuse in nature (finances, health, terrorism, etc.) Third, those with GAD are more likely to report physical symptoms resulting from their constant worrying and related difficulties with their jobs, relationships, and other significant life demands.General anxiety disorder is characterized by the following symptoms: ● Excessive worry and anxiety ● Fatigue ● Feeling irritable, testy, or grouchy much of the time ● Feeling restless, keyed up, or edgy ● Difficulty concentrating or forgetting ● Muscle tension ● Sleep difficulties (difficulty falling or staying asleep, restless, non-restorative sleep)

With the vaccine rollouts and warmer days ahead, for the first time, there may be a legitimate light at the end of this long, long tunnel. Great news! But as encouraging as this news may be, we must now prepare ourselves to enter a familiar yet changed world..In this Self-Coaching episode, Lauren and I discuss how this is the time to begin to fortify ourselves and our psyches for what’s ahead in a post-virus world. Although paradoxical, it’s not unusual that, as things continue to improve, we may actually see an uptick in our level of emotional distress. Why? Because for the last year we’ve been in a kind of automatic survival mode — less thinking, more protecting. It’s as if we’ve been holding our breath under water and are finally able to reach the surface and gasp a breath, only to realize how close we came to drowning. But as we start to catch our collective breaths, we’ll begin to feel the toll our stress has taken, and how depleted we are, mentally as well as physically.Realize that as the intensity and stress of these past few months begin to flatten along with that damn curve (!), your emotions may lag behind. This is normal and should be expected. Don’t think that your psyche hasn’t been affected by what you’ve gone through — it has!

You can begin right now to restore and replenish a healthy self-esteem and self-confidence. It all begins with a simple truth: there’s nothing wrong with you! Never was! You may reflexively balk at this statement especially if insecurity has been calling the shots, but it happens to be irrefutable.

When you put yourself down, diminish your self-worth, or adhere to pessimism, you violate you! Stop doing it! Granted, at this point you may not be able to flip from black to white and gush with self-love (although that would be nice), but at the very least, you can start to neutralize your negativity.

—————Beyond current dissatisfactions and superficial perceptions, there is a you who happens to be inviolate. The word inviolate, from the Latin, inviolatus, describes something so sacred or pure that it must not be violated.

#selfesteem #selfconfidence #selfcoaching

Some excuse themselves from life’s challenges by believing they “can’t” succeed. Others simply bury their heads in the sands of denial. Truth is, most unsuccessful people don’t want to tolerate the discomfort inherent in change. Remember the words of Yoda, “Do or do not…,” everything else is simply an excuse.

#insecurity #fearoffailure #selfcoaching

The secret to a successful life is that it’s not a secret. Risk believing in yourself, value yourself, be willing to endure discomfort in order to achieve, and never fall prey to negativity. Cultivate optimism, do not dwell in doubt, and manage your fears. Most importantly, trust that you will find you need.

#success #successsecret #optimism

Patients complain about swirling, ruminative, worry-thoughts that haunt them preventing restful sleep and causing anxiety. Chet Raymo, one of my favorite authors, writes: “The night is the beginning of terror, as every child knows. Who is not afraid of the dark? The gods are creatures of daylight. The gods work nine to five. At night we are on our own.”

Perhaps this is the answer. At night, “we are on our own,” meaning that at night we are without our daytime world of distractions. When everything quiets down in the external, world and we are left with what’s underneath, that which is unsettled and frightening. These are the unresolved doubts, fears, and negatives that percolate up at night. These are the things that make us feel out of control. Relationship discord, a medical issue, or fear of losing a job, these are the demons of the night. Perhaps the best we can do, as the dawn arrives, is to recognize that these issues need to be addressed and not left buried for tomorrow night’s anxieties.

#fears #nightmares #nightterrors

No one grows up in a perfect world, everyone suffers loss, illness, separations, and so on—to some degree, insecurity is an inevitable, inescapable part of life. Insecurity—the excessive fear of vulnerability—acts as mental friction creating hesitations and doubts. From a Self-Coaching perspective, it’s insecurity that feeds the “habits” of anxiety, depression, and all emotional struggle. Security, on the other hand, is a relative term. Rather than seeing it as something you achieve; see it as an ongoing muscle-building process of living your life courageously (i.e., not yielding to insecurity’s doubt, fear, and negativity). Rather than allowing insecurity to insist on trying to over-control life, be willing to take a leap of faith and risk trusting—self and life.

The reason why an anxious person gets caught up negative, ruminative, worrisome thinking is simply because they’re trying too hard to “figure out” how to handle the endless doubts, fears, and negative anticipations. I call this “over-thinking.” Over-thinking is a manifestation of insecurity and only fuels the problem, making you more and more anxious. The key isn’t trying harder; it’s learning not to try!

Try this experiment. Begin by “de-focusing” your thoughts and re-focusing on your unfolding moment–whatever you’re doing–listen, feel, see, breath, but DON’T think or judge, simply participate with full attention. Pretend that you’re a video camera, simply recording every external nuance and detail in your environment. This simple exercise will help you begin to detach from (and break the cycle of) ruminative anxiety (a.k.a., over-thinking). Do this and you’ll be teaching yourself something very important, i.e., anxiety -over-thinking is worrying about future events, liberation and solace is learning to be “present.”

#overthinking #rumination #selfcoaching

1.) It’s user friendly. Self-Coaching from its very inception was designed to minimize the dependency of a patient on his or her therapist.2.) The concepts make common sense. You don’t need a Ph.D. to understand what’s going on and what you need to do to progress.3.) By treating anxiety, depression, and emotional struggle as habits, you eliminate the need for endless interpretations. You learn what you’re doing that feeds these habits and what you can do to starve them.4.) By learning specific exercises that require active practice, you actually restructure your brain. Old brain-habits are neutralized (unlearned), and new positive habits are established.

And now, two words that will change your life:

5.) Insecurity and Control. Once you understand that insecurity is the source of your suffering and trying to compensate by controlling life is your neurotic remedy, you will begin to see that anxiety, depression, worry, compulsion, phobias, and even addictions are all feeble attempts to ward off vulnerability in a world where self-trust, confidence, and hope have been compromised.

#unlearningdepression #unlearninganxiety #selfcoaching

All too often we tend to “over-steer” our lives, worrying, anticipating, micro-managing, trying desperately to control what’s ahead. If you really want to find solace, happiness, and psychological well being, try loosening your grip on life’s steering wheel and let things unfold, naturally, spontaneously. Mythologist, Joseph Campbell said it best: “We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us.” As the AA adage goes, “Let go, let god.”

From a Self-Coaching perspective, if you suffer from emotional struggle, it’s probably because you’re trying to over-control life, which is an attempt, although misguided, to protect you from perceived vulnerability. Controlling life isn’t the answer, it’s the problem. Here are 15 reasons why?

1.) Yes, buts.

“Yes, I didn’t get the job finished, but I couldn’t help getting sick..” A yes-but strategy allows you to side-step accountability by first feigning responsibility and then qualifying it with a “but.”

2.) Have-tos.

“I have to be the best.” Have-tos are compulsive strategies designed to help you control yourself, others and life.

3.)  Worrying or “what-iffing.”

 “What if I fail?” Worry is an attempt to eliminate doubt by trying to know what’s coming before it arrives.

4.) Can’ts.

“I can’t relax.” When you say, “I can’t…” you’re giving up and excusing yourself in order to feel less out of control.

5.) Guilts.

 “I have to go, she’ll be mad if I don’t.” Guilt is a powerful emotion that tries to help you avoid impulsivity and feeling that you did something wrong.

6.)  Black & White thinking.

Black-and-white thinking is all-or-none thinking. If you can convince yourself that something is either black or white, you’re done. Case closed. No more discussion. In control.

7.) Doubts.

“Maybe I shouldn’t call her? Maybe she’ll be mad at me?” Doubts act as a brake trying to postpone, avoid, or somehow protect you from perceived danger.

8.) Shoulds.

Shoulds are similar to have-tos. Both are compulsive strategies attempting to control life. Shoulds are more closely related to guilt and societal expectations.

9.) Name Calling.

“I’m such a idiot!”  Putting yourself down is a cheap way of excusing yourself from conflict. After all, you can’t really expect an “idiot” to handle life.

10.) Not caring.

 “I don’t care if I upset her.” Not caring is a form of denial. If you can insulate yourself with callousness, then you can remain in control, even if you mess up.

11.) Hostility.

 “As far as I’m concerned you can go straight to hell.” Hostility repels. By pushing someone away, you create an insulation between you and them. Insulation is control.

12.)  Lying.

Why take any responsibility when you can control others by lying. If one reality doesn’t suit you, create another with lies.

13.) Manipulating.

People are malleable—a little white lie here, a bit of coercion there, and perhaps some feigned hysterics—these are all useful tools if you’re trying to twist someone to your will. If you can manipulate others, you control them and the situation.       

14.) Mountain-out-of-molehill generalizing.

Generalizing is an attempt to prepare for the worst. If something is catastrophic and you anticipate it, then you’re not going to be unprepared. It’s all about not being caught off guard and unawares.

15.) Fatalistic thinking/doom and gloom. With mountain-out-of-molehill thinking, you’re at least trying to prepare for and defend yourself from adversity. With fatalistic thinking, you’ve already thrown in the towel and given yourself permission to retreat.

What we call something is very important. Words shape the way we think and feel. When I think of an illness, I think of a sickness that infiltrates your body leaving you its victim. You catch a cold or the flu, if you step on a rusty nail, you contract tetanus. In my opinion, you don’t catch or contract anxiety or depression. You generate it! If you think of anxiety and depression as illnesses, than you can’t help but feel victimized! So, let’s change the language. Rather than illnesses or diseases, I’m going to suggest the rather heretical notion that anxiety and depression be seen as habits. Habits that you inadvertently generate by acquiescing to insecurity’s incessant chatter of doubts, fears, and negative thinking [Please understand, in no way am I minimizing the seriousness of a clinical depression. From a Self-Coaching perspective, I’m only trying to empower you to take a more active role in your liberation from your suffering].

Sometimes, when you’re walloped by life struggles you may feel you’re at a dead end. Perhaps a more apt perception would be a bottleneck. Because of habits of insecurity, you may find yourself constricted or bogged down. Just because something feels dead-ended doesn’t mean it is. Why? Because feelings aren’t facts! It’s important to understand that insecurity will own you if it can convince you that things are hopeless. In life, if the front door is blocked, try the side door, the back door, the window…there’s always a way, especially if you’re patient and persistent. Your Self-Coaching motto needs to be: “Whatever it takes!”

If you’re feeling frustrated with your life, perhaps it’s time to recognize the simple truth that there are only two choices when it comes to getting what you want out of life. Choice #1: Moving toward what will fulfill you. Choice #2: Not moving at all. Don’t waste time over-strategizing, deliberating, or hand-wringing, simply pick a goal and move. It’s your motion that creates answers–not your caution.

Being human means accepting the fact that life can challenge us in many ways. Insecurity, emotional vulnerability, fear of making mistakes, uncertainty, anxiety, social survival, competition, loss, abandonment, and so on, represent just some of the many potential threats we encounter in our emotional “jungle.” In this Self-Coaching episode, Lauren and I discuss how the myriad array of circumstantial threats can make us feel like we’re lost in a jungle of mixed and frightening emotions. As disquieting as these emotions can be, it helps to have a strategy for navigating life’s inevitable challenges, and yet, as simplistic as it seems, sometimes all that’s necessary is a change of perspective.

A big part of why we struggle is because we’ve become attached and identified with our problems–insecurity is the tar and bad habits the feathers. If you’re like most people, you probably feel that leopards can’t change their spots. For leopards this may be true, but for you it’s dead wrong. If you’ve been limited by your “spots,” whatever they may be–lethargy, anxiety, self-doubt, fear, panic, depression, or apathy–then you need to be convinced that the power for change, real change, is a choice. Therapy, whether it’s Self-Coaching or some other modality, can teach you that change is, in fact, a choice.

I was working with a man recently who wanted to leave his wife because of a head-over-heels office romance. Throughout the session he kept telling me how much he “loved” this woman. When I asked how long he knew this person, he replied, “Not that long, she was just transferred to our office a month ago.” Clearly, what this guy was feeling was infatuation, not love. Infatuation and love are truly apples and oranges. In fact, one of the best examples of this can be found in Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet; two star-crossed lovers, caught up in the ecstasy of infatuated love. Symbolically, Romeo and Juliet had to die. Why? Because true love begins when an infatuation dies.

There’s a saying that goes: “If you aim at nothing, you’ll hit it every time.” The longer you do nothing about what you want out of life, the longer you will live with empty dreams. Wishful thinking can never replace purpose-driven action. A successful life doesn’t come looking for you; it must be sought, pursued and embraced. Starting today, aim at something, then pull the trigger of action.

Do you worry what people think of you? Do you typically find yourself focusing on your negatives? Are you always comparing yourself with others? If so, this EPISODE of Self-Coaching is for you. Whether you’re too sensitive or even hypersensitive, it’s important to get a handle on how low self-esteem can create a life of torment.

Join Lauren and I as we discuss various Self-Coaching strategies involved in combating the myriad struggles related to a lack of self-confidence, self-worth, or insecurity.

We allow ourselves to become victimized by pressures and incessant demands. Days come and days go, as we keep saying, “tomorrow I’ll relax.” Life is too precious to rationalize away with mindless compulsive striving. If you’ve never read the poem, Dust If You Must, than please take a minute to read it. Then after you’re done, take another minute and decide how you want to spend your day. Dust if you must, but wouldn’t it be better,To paint a picture or write a letter,Bake a cake or plant a seed,Ponder the difference between want and need?Dust if you must, but there’s not much time.With rivers to swim and mountains to climb,Music to hear and books to read,Friends to cherish and life to lead.Dust if you must, but the world’s out thereWith the sun in your eyes, the wind in your hair,A flutter of snow, a shower of rain.This day will not come ’round again.Dust if you must, but bear in mind,Old age will come and it’s not always kind.And when you go and go you must,You, yourself, will make more dust.Author unknown

Most people experience social fears and anxieties from time to time. And for most people these fears are mild and short-lived. But for someone suffering from a Social Anxiety Disorder, the fears and anxiety are anything but mild or transient. Simple things like eating or drinking in public, making eye contact while talking, or using a public bathroom can all become insurmountable challenges.

From a Self-Coaching perspective, a habit-loop of insecurity has created a profound state of self-distrust and loss of confidence. This distrust is so pervasive that one is forced to constantly monitor every action, always trying to access the social dangers of the moment. Everyday life can become a living hell as someone with social anxieties tries to navigate in a world where they feel constantly in the spotlight, where every act is scrutinized and judged by others.

Typical symptoms associated with Social Anxiety Disorder are:

● Anxiety about being exposed to possible scrutiny or judgment by others

● Anxiety that you will act in a way that will be humiliating or embarrassing

● Anxiety in most social situations

● Attempting to avoid social situations, but if endured, creating intense stress and anxiety

● Persistence of social fears, avoidance, and anxiety

It’s been said that the difference between a successful person and others is not a lack of strength or knowledge, but rather in a lack of will.” From a Self-Coaching perspective no one actually lacks “will,” it’s a matter of whether you apply it or abandon it.

Tired of endless dieting? Not getting results that last? IT’s time to change your relationship to food and change the way you look—for life!

This episode of Self-Coaching explores the emotional triggers and ingrained behavioral habits driving overindulgence. Lauren and I discuss powerful, simple Self-Coaching techniques that will help you break self-sabotaging cravings, compulsions, and emotional eating. You’ll learn to lose those extra pounds for good.

.See if you can resist the temptation of over-thinking your life today and instead, allow the day unfold, naturally and spontaneously. Be reactive rather than proactive. You might be surprised how effortless life can become. The late mythologist Joseph Campbell once said that we must be willing to relinquish the life we’ve planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us. Lose the self-doubt, be courageous to let go of your chronic fears, and by all means recognize that negativity is a habit that you don’t have to indulge…do this and you’ll find the life that’s waiting for you.

When caught in a depressed mood, it’s tempting to feel that life is too hard, that you can’t go on. It’s this type of thinking that winds up feeding and sustaining the mood. Consider trying this: do nothing!

All too often we go to battle with our negative, spiraling thoughts. We beat ourselves up, which only adds fuel to the dark mood. Instead, next time you’re in a slump of negativity, don’t engage in debate, guilt, or self recrimination–in essence, don’t resist, simply yield. Just allow yourself to ride out the mood with the understanding and conviction that, ‘this too shall pass.’

The key is not to get caught up in a dance with your depressed thoughts. The more you ruminate, worry, or antagonize yourself, the more you feed the mood instead of starving it. By letting it go, turning away, distracting yourself and not engaging a mood with persistent doubts, fears, or negatives, the more you allow yourself to reduce psychological friction while ensuring that you don’t become a victim of your mood.

#depressedmood #depressionmood

Our hectic high-pressure world seems to reward multi-taskers. There is, however, a down side to squeezing more and more into your day-to-day life. Multi-taskers are prone to inheriting a fractured, stressful, life. Today, rather than doing your usual juggling, try doing less. Just keep in mind that whatever you do, do it with full attention, complete awareness, and a focused heart. You, may not accomplish every task, but you will have lived a less stressful, more fulfilling day. Sometimes, when it comes to happiness, less is more.

#multitasking #selfcoaching

In this episode, Lauren and I discuss the importance of sleep along with various Self-Coaching suggestions for falling asleep, staying asleep, and waking up refreshed. Learn how bed-time rituals and day-time habits play an important part in allowing the body and mind to naturally wind down at the end of the day in preparation for an easy transition to a restorative slumber. You’ll find out why sleep is a critical component in daytime productivity, mental well-being, and emotional balance.   

Dreams, nightmares, dream paralysis, and sleep walking are a just a few of the nocturnal phenomena discussed in this episode.

#sleep #sleepdifficulty

It’s critical for you to recognize that the issues that come up in a relationship are rarely about who’s right and who’s wrong (although it may feel this way); it really has to do with perceptions of right and wrong. One spouse may feel that cheating on your taxes is a moral outrage, while the other partner may feel it’s a God-given right. Perceptions are about individual views, not necessarily about facts. It helps to embrace each other’s differences rather than the condescending partner insisting, “You’re wrong, I’m right.”

What’s the difference between compulsive eating and addictive eating? Clearly, when it comes to food, not all compulsions are addictions. If however, you’ve been historically unsuccessful at “dabbling,” moderating, or limiting yourself with certain comfort food(s) (highly palatable salty, fatty or sugary foods), you may do well to suspect a food addiction. The essential difference between compulsion and addiction is that with compulsion you don’t build a physical tolerance (requiring more and more to get the same comfort, high, or relief that you once got), with addictions, you do. Another crucial difference is that compulsive behavior is typically driven by three factors: stressful circumstances, stressful emotions and/or habits, whereas addictions to food, although they may be spawned by life and emotional stressors (and may, in fact, incorporate compulsive striving), are primarily driven by a physiological need to experience the chemical “high” associated with a dopamine surge in your brain. Putting it bluntly, addictions alter your brain in such a way that it’s not far-fetched to say that an addiction simply winds up using you as its delivery system.

#foodaddiction #foodcompulsion #compulsiveeating

There once was a monastery that was so strict its inhabitants were only allowed to speak two words every ten years. A novice monk, after spending his first ten years at the monastery, was asked by the head monk, “It’s been ten years. What are your two words?”

The monk replied, “Bed, hard.” Another ten years passed and once again the novice monk was asked for his two words, “Food, stinks,” he replied. After thirty years, the now elderly head monk once again asked for his two words, “I, quit,” said the younger monk.

It doesn’t surprise me,” replied the old monk, “All you’ve done is complain these past thirty years!”

What about you? Have you been stuck, year after year, in endless complaining about your life? Isn’t it time to say, “I quit!” Translation: stop being victimized by life.

● Remind yourself that anxiety and stress are not the same thing. Stress is a legitimate and objective response to a real life challenge. Anxiety is an illegitimate response (perpetrated by insecurity) that has you convinced you can’t handle the challenge.

● Self-trust is a willingness to believe. The sooner you take the risk of believing that you can handle whatever life throws at you, the sooner you will be eliminating anxiety and reducing stress.

● Stress is experienced both physically as well as psychologically. When stressed work to distract yourself from the stressor. Try taking a time-out by meditating, going for a walk, watching a movie, or petting a dog. Anything that pulls your mind away from the stressor.

● In all life situations, recognize that you have a choice. You will experience more stress if you feel that you are a victim. Victims by definition are powerless. In order to empower yourself, you are going to need to recognize that, even if you can’t change the circumstance of your stressor, you can change the way you think and interpret your circumstance.

● Don’t wait until you are stressed, start building that trust-muscle today! Recognize that learning to trust is learning to risk believing in yourself, begin with small steps. Keep in mind, it isn’t about always making the “right” choice, it’s just being able to risk being you in the moment and finding out that even a poor choice, isn’t the end of the world.

● As the AA adage goes: Let go, let God. Let go of the ego’s insecure, controlling tendency to over-think and then, whether you call it God, fate, a higher power, or that in you which goes beyond the narrow view of the ego, trust the vast instinctual, intuitive potential that resides in you—waiting to be realized.

Bumble bees are not supposed to fly. Their body weighs too much and their wingspan is too short. Thank goodness the bumble bee doesn’t know these facts.

Maybe you should ask yourself what are your “supposed facts” that are holding you back?

In this EPISODE my daughter Lauren and I discuss numerous Self-Coaching techniques for understanding and managing stress.

What causes stress in one person may be of little or no consequence to another. Some people are better able to handle stress than others, while others may start to panic over small insignificant challenges. Our bodies are designed to handle the inevitable stress of living (i.e., small doses of stress), unfortunately, we are not equipped to handle long-term, chronic stress without ill consequences. You may not be able to eliminate stress from your life, but you don’t have to be victimized by it either.

In graduate school we were assigned the rather morbid task of writing the epitaph for our tombstone. Let me tell you, it’s not easy to sum up your life in one sentence. After much soul searching I came up with my tombstone epitaph, it will one day be etched with the following sentence: I’d rather be reading this.

Regardless of the circumstances that may be pressing against you, always keep in mind that as long as you’re reading this, everything is possible.

#selfcoaching #optimism

If this sounds like you, this little story might help. Once upon a time, a monk who, walking along a mountain path encountered a man-eating tiger. Seeing a vine growing on the cliff face just below his path, the monk leaps off the edge grabbing hold of the vine. The vine begins to loosen and in the frozen moment before his fall and death, the monk notices a strawberry growing in the cliff face next to his vine. His last words before his death are, “What a magnificent strawberry, I think I’ll eat it.”

This story illustrates being totally in the moment. For the monk, there was no past, no future, no tigers, no cliffs; there was only that pristine moment filled with an appreciation of that magnificent strawberry. As you practice letting go of your doubts, fears, and negatives, you put yourself in a position of noticing the wonderful strawberries that populate your world. Living more in the moment takes practice and patience, but the payoff is enormous. You will begin to grow in confidence and self-trust. And once you’re no longer living with chronic anticipatory fear and worry, you can risk letting go of any struggle and become totally engrossed in watching a sunset, listening to an opera, playing with your children, or soaking in a warm bath.

When you think of a turtle, what comes to mind? Its shell, right? When life gets too rough for turtles, they just pull inside their old shells and wait for better times. Humans don’t have shells, but sometimes they act as though they do. Anxiety and depression can encourage turtle behavior. For the overly anxious person, pulling into a shell of avoidance may provide an effective vacation from chronic or intense stress, and for the beleaguered, depressed person, crawling into a shell can provide a sanctuary that makes the intolerable tolerable.

All turtle experiences have one thing in common: they allow you to retreat from some aspect of life where you feel a loss of control. Once in your shell, you feel protected and secure, in control. When used occasionally to recharge your psychic batteries, turtle behavior can actually be beneficial. Unfortunately, an innocent tendency to “kick back” and regroup, especially when combined with insecure thinking, can progress into a serious habit of avoiding life’s demands.

#avoidance #insecurity #selfcoaching

Imagine that you’re on your patio. You notice a cute little pigeon milling about, pecking and minding its own business. You toss it a few crumbs from a sandwich you were eating. The next day you go out to your patio and within minutes your little pigeon buddy reappears–with a companion. Enthusiastically, you throw out a few more crumbs. By the end of the week you’re inundated with hundreds of pigeons leaving your once pristine patio a shamble of feathers, droppings, and a cacophony of cooing. You ask, “What should I do?”

The simple answer is, “Stop feeding the pigeons!”

If you allow reflexive, knee-jerk, insecure thinking to flock into your life with needless worry, fear, or negativity, then you’re feeding the pigeons of insecurity. And if you insist on feeding your insecurity, the distasteful truth is that you will suffer. From now on, keep the image of the pigeons in mind every time you find yourself spinning with insecurity-driven thinking, then remind yourself to, “Stop feeding the pigeons!”

It’s a mistake to think that being courageous means you’re fearless. The courageous person doesn’t eliminate fear, he/she manages it.

Are you a “yes” person? A “people pleaser?” Learn how to take care of your true needs and desires.

A line from the comic strip Pogo read, “We have seen the enemy and he is us.” Take heart, because in life it is not adversity, hardship, or even bad luck that is our enemy—it is us! Insecurity, doubt, fear, and negativity are the enemy in us. Trust, confidence, hope, and optimism are the heroic in us. Which side will you fight for?

• It’s user friendly. Self-Coaching from its very inception was designed to minimize the dependency of a patient on his or her therapist.
• The concepts make common sense. You don’t need a Ph.D. to understand what’s going on and what you need to do to progress.
• By treating anxiety, depression, and emotional struggle as habits, you eliminate the need for endless interpretations. You learn what you’re doing that feeds these habits and what you can do to starve them.
• By learning specific exercises that require active practice, you actually restructure your brain. Old brain-habits are neutralized (unlearned), and new positive habits are established.
• And now, two words that will change your life—Insecurity and Control. Here’s the Cliff Note on Insecurity and control: once you understand that insecurity is the source of your suffering and that trying to compensate by (over) controlling life is your neurotic remedy, you will begin to see that anxiety, depression, worry, compulsion, phobias, and even addictions are all feeble attempts to ward off vulnerability in a world where self-trust, confidence, and hope have been compromised.

1.  Always do the best you can. Nothing more, nothing less.
2.  Never, ever, criticize your efforts.
3. Learn to celebrate and appreciate your efforts rather than your successes.

Why is it that with such good intentions, getting fit, losing weight and improving our lives seems so elusive?

1. Think small. Begin with small successes. Take a look at the habits that are holding you back in life. Find one that’s simple, like, “When I finish this meal, I’m going to wash my dish.” Make a contract with yourself that that dish must be washed. No ifs, ands or buts! Throughout the day, find simple challenges that you make happen.
2. Build self-trust. Once you get used to making small things happen, begin to recognize and embrace the truth: What I say to myself is what I do. Remember, to cultivate a capacity for self-trust, you must succeed. In order to guarantee success, don’t challenge yourself with a pledge that you’re not sure you can handle. If, for example, you’re not sure you’ll stick with going to the gym five times a week, then don’t promise yourself. Better to do the best you can than to fall short and wind up jeopardizing your growing capacity for believing in yourself. When it comes to building trust, it’s better to lose the battle than the war.
3. Invent challenges. Invent various challenges throughout the day to strengthen your ability to believe and to do. Don’t allow yourself to procrastinate; make yourself finish your paperwork before turning on the TV; decide not to spend too much at the mall. These are all trust-muscle builders, and you should view them as you would an actual muscle. Just as you would do repetitions at the gym to develop a muscle, so too must you get your reps in each day. Like a muscle, the more you workout, the more your capacity for personal success will grow.