You’re probably familiar with the quote that insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Same goes for neurosis. If we keep indulging our habits of insecurity, why should we expect to feel different? In this Self-Coaching episode, I discuss the reason why we get entangled in our reflexive, neurotic ways, never realizing what the fundamental answer to our liberation is.

If you’re tired of the same old same old struggles, perhaps it’s time to understand what’s really going on and why you’ve inadvertently become victimized by your own passivity. Feeling better doesn’t have to be that complicated.

Do you want to be liked? Well, according to cognitive dissonance theory, get someone to do you a favor. Sounds crazy, right? Well, not only is it not crazy, but it explains how we justify doing things that are contrary to our better judgment and moral values.

Cognitive dissonance is a mental conflict that occurs when our actions, feeling, ideas, beliefs, or values don’t line up with our actions. In this Self-Coaching episode join me as I explore the many ways we rationalize, deny, or otherwise convince ourselves that our psychological transgressions are, in fact, okay and not transgressions at all.   

Many people use ‘guilt’ and ‘shame’ interchangeably, but they are, in fact, quite different. Join me in this Self-Coaching episode as I not only explain the difference, but dig deep into my own personal history to reveal an incident that took place many years ago that, to this day, still echoes with guilt and shame.

What about you? If you forget to feed the dog, say something you regret to a friend, or how about if you say no to a request for help? Do you feel guilty? Ashamed of yourself?

Although guilt and shame can be legitimate responses to shabby or hurtful behavior, most times these feelings are neurotically driven by insecurity. Once you know how to ferret out truth from emotional fiction, you’ll be in a position to a use a few Self-Coaching steps to extricate yourself from needless suffering.

There are many reasons why someone suffering doesn’t choose psychotherapy. It could be fear of the unknown, the stigma of being “in therapy,” the cost, or simply confusion over the many types of therapies and therapists. In this Self-Coaching episode you'll learn that whatever the reason for not pursuing therapy, that doesn’t mean that you need to concede to a life of struggle—not when you understand that self-help (a.k.a., Self-Coaching) can provide the simple tools necessary for you to achieve a happier, more successful life.

For some, having a structured therapy each week is a lot easier than taking personal responsibility to do the work necessary to succeed. This is where Self-Coaching has an advantage—once you have the tools, you can learn to coach and motivate yourself to reclaim your life.  

NOTE: You can reach me directly through my website: www.selfcoaching.net, or my email: selfcoachinghelp@aol.com. Let me know if you have any questions or podcast suggestions. I’d love to hear from you.

One of the most annoying personality traits has to do with people who are full of themselves. For them it’s all about self-promotion, blowing their own horn and never realizing that the rest of the world isn’t that interested.

In this Self-Coaching episode, I talk about the need for emotional relativity—seeing yourself and your behavior in a more objective fashion. Unfortunately, the egocentric, insensitive nature of a braggart prevents them from the simple truth of how they come across. Instead, they genuinely believe that others simply can’t wait to hear all about their wonderful life.

I offer two Self-Coaching techniques for dealing with—and surviving—those who annoy us.

I would say that most people like to be liked. And if you’re like most people, whether it’s socially, professionally, or in your intimate relationships, it’s never a bad idea to brush up on your people skills. Research shows that people are biologically predisposed to be attracted to confident people and—no surprise—confident people tend to be socially more adept. In this Self-Coaching episode, I offer specific, simple techniques and strategies for enhancing your ‘likeability’ and self-confidence.

The benefits of becoming a more effective communicator are numerous and it’s all doable with a bit of consciousness and practice. It’s really not that complicated.

No one likes to struggle and no one intentionally decides to generate stress and emotional friction in our lives. And yet, the truth is that most of our struggles aren’t created by legitimate life challenges, they’re caused by longstanding habits of self-doubt, fear and negativity. In this Self-Coaching episode, you can find out not only ‘why’ you struggle, but what you can do to recognize and release yourself from needless, knee-jerk suffering.

I thought I'd follow up on last week's Self-Coaching podcast discussion on luck with today's topic on the improbable truth that lucky charms, rituals and various superstitions can actually have a beneficial effect on our behavior, health, and attitude. 

But how can this be? We know that superstitions or the belief that an object or behavior has the power to influence an outcome is, well, not logical. Yet, researchers have found that people who have luck on their side feel greater self-efficacy (i.e., the ability to believe and trust ourselves to handle life)—and this belief actually enhances both mental and physical performance.

You might want to listen to this week's podcast (go to 'podcast' in tool bar above) as I fondly recall my aunt Tessie, who, in order to ward off the dreaded malauccio (a.k.a., the evil eye) would perform a sacred ritual consisting of dripping drops of oil into a bowl of water held over an afflicted neighbor’s head while mummering a century’s old prayer. Was she successful? Absolutely! People would come from far and wide to seek relief from their struggles. But why was she successful? Was this a form of hypnosis? I think so. I argue that the power inherent in hypnosis has to do with a subject’s unwavering belief that they’ve actually been hypnotized. Belief in something can be extremely powerful, even healing.  

Athletes tend to be extremely superstitious. Wade Boggs, for example, the third base, hall of famer, was said to have had a unique game day ritual. He would consume a whole chicken before every game, wake up at exactly the same time in the morning, and do his sprinting at exactly 7:17 PM. In fact, Mr. Boggs inherited the moniker of, 'Chicken Man.' 

More seriously, take someone with OCD, where various rituals need to be performed (“have to” be performed) before one can move on. These rituals are designed to reduce anxiety, but if you dig a bit deeper you can see that the OCD ritual is designed (not necessarily consciously) for something more ambitious, to control fate—i.e., “if I don’t knock exactly 8 times on the dashboard of my car before starting off, I may have an accident.” We become prisoners of our superstitions, petrified to take a chance of risking not doing or trusting our ritual.

Is this any different than knocking wood where you’re trying to control bad things from happening? I call these particular actions prophylactic charms/behaviors. Whereas most charms (rabbit's foot, four-leaf clovers, etc.) are to geared to bring us good luck, prophylactic charms/behaviors are meant to ward off bad luck.

What about you? Do you have a lucky number? What about that lucky tie or handbag? Perfume or aftershave? Do you prophylactically reach for a piece of wood to tap if a friend says to you, “Wow! I can’t believe it; you haven’t been sick in years.” 

Seriously, maybe you should hold on to that rabbit’s foot, horseshoe, or four-leaf clover. 

In this Self-Coaching episode, I discuss the improbable truth that lucky charms, rituals and various superstitions can actually have a beneficial effect on our behavior, health, and attitude. But how can this be? We know that superstitions or the belief that an object or behavior has the power to influence an outcome is, well, not logical. Yet, researchers have found that people who have luck on their side feel greater self-efficacy (i.e., the ability to believe and trust ourselves to handle life)—and this belief actually enhances both mental and physical performance.

Seriously, maybe you should hold on to that rabbit’s foot, a horse shoe, or a four-leaf clover.

It’s a fact that no one is lucky all the time. No one! We all have setbacks, disappointments, flat tires and rained out picnics. And yet, there are some people who, in general, just seem to have better…luck. Things seem so go well for them, they’re happier, more productive, and seemingly more blessed by life’s bounty. Are these people more lucky? And if so, are there certain characteristics of lucky people that enhance the possibility of encouraging good fortune?  

In this Self-Coaching episode, I’ll let you answer the question as to whether or not we can actually improve our luck.

According to Confucius, "man who stand on hill with mouth open will wait long time for roast duck to drop in. Are you passively waiting for life to deliver your happiness? Are you waiting for your luck to change? If so, tune into my podcast (Self-Coaching) this upcoming week on how to become 'lucky.' And yes, luck does exist and you can access it.

It’s understandable that we try desperately to cling to our youth, but in this Self-Coaching episode I explore the fact that unless you change your youth-oriented perspective on ageing, you will be doomed to fight your natural, psychological propensity to awaken to a much deeper, more fulfilling reality.

Clinging to youth keeps us frozen, preventing us to evolve. We know intellectually that we can’t turn back the hands of time, but on many levels, we refuse to accept this inevitable reality. This hesitation about growing older can not only be challenged, but it can be replaced by an awakening of the psyche to a more substantial understanding of the true purpose of life. As you’ll learn In this episode—it’s all about learning to live your “dash” years.

In this Self-Coaching episode, I explore the concept of low self-esteem--the negative opinions and feelings we have of ourselves. Join me as I trace the origins of low self-esteem as well as what we do to perpetuate these insecure feelings in our lives today. As natural as it is to compare ourselves to others, this is the root of low self-esteem, especially if our comparisons are contaminated by perceptions instigated by insecurity.

I discuss various strategies for improving self-esteem and confidence, such as challenging negativity, establishing a more objective self-perception, fostering more healthy relationships, learning to say no, and more.

In this Self-Coaching podcast, I respond to an email from a listener outlining her long-standing emotional struggles with explosive anger, low self-esteem, anxiety, and depression.

I’m introducing this format of responding to specific questions sent to me in order to provide you with a real-life application of Self-Coaching. I hope to give you a more direct glimpse as to how Self-Coaching can be applied directly to everyday struggles. Whether it’s anger, depression, anxiety, or hopelessness, the path to liberation isn’t as complicated as you may think.

WANT SOME SELF-COACHING ADVICE?

If you would like me to respond to your specific struggle in an upcoming podcast, you can email me at, selfcoachinghelp@aol.com, or through the ‘contact’ section of my website: www.selfcoaching.net. Of course, your identifying information will be kept anonymous. Please note that my podcasts are not meant to be a substitute for clinical intervention; they are meant to be educational and informative.

In this Self-Coaching episode, I discuss the subtle differences between fear, anxiety, and panic.

Fear is an inherited, survival—fight-flight—mechanism ensuring our ability to react spontaneously to an external danger.  

Anxiety is fear injected with insecurity driven-thinking.

Panic is the end result of a mind-body depletion caused by prolonged stress, anxiety, and loss of self-trust and confidence.

By understanding the physiological changes in our body and our psychological reactions to danger—real or imagined—we can begin to wrestle our lives back from needless neurotic living, learning to live more courageously in tune with our objective present, rather than an insecurity projected anticipation of future chaos.

Ever ask yourself, “what’s normal?” Actually, ‘normal’ is a statistical concept, not a people concept. We can, however, use the term to refer to your uncorrupted personality—your normal personality. Insecurity is what hijacks your pristine—normal—personality, convincing you that in order to handle life’s challenges you need to develop strategies to compensate for your vulnerabilities. This may not sound so bad until you realize that these controlling strategies are at the expense of self-trust.

In this Self-Coaching episode you'll learn that without self-trust you are dependent on trying to control life. More precisely, to “over-control” life. Controlling life takes effort, produces stress (which depletes our chemistry) ultimately paving the way to anxiety or depression. What was normal now becomes neurotic.

     Seems like yesterday my mother was desperately trying to teach me to tie my shoelace into a bow. Last week I tried to do the same with my four-year-old granddaughter. I mention this because it has to do with relativity, not Einstein’s relativity, but with the relativity and meaning of our lives. But first, before discussing this rather illusive concept, let me direct your attention to the image above. This is M101, the Pinwheel Galaxy. On May 19th something unexpected appeared within a dark patch of the galaxy. The photons of a catastrophic explosion of a dying star occurring 21 million years finally reached my telescope. It’s what we call a supernova (see arrow above). And what does this event have to do with Self-Coaching? Well, let me explain.

    Our lives flow from childhood through adolescence to the middle years (I’ll get to the post-middle years in a moment). It’s the middle years (let’s say from our 30s to our 50s), which are typically spent in what we might call the acquisition phase of life. That’s where we typically go through an external whirlwind of doing, buying, competing, becoming, evolving, and so on (phew!). These are years of seismic growth as we form relationships, establish roots, careers, all the while enjoying an exuberance mostly for life’s external things--the seemingly essential things. How you look, how you dress, where you live, what you drive, who you can impress, how much money you make, and so on (again, phew!). Then at some point as middle age begins to—ever so gradually--yield to, let’s call it our post-middle-age (not to spook anyone). Now, if you’re not neurotically clinging to your lost youth, then you’ll be in a position where your previous restlessness to acquire more and more “things” begins to become less…well, at least less compulsive, less essential. The train, as they say, is pulling into the station. 

     Of course, for some the concept of growing older can evoke a deep rumbling of anxiety…insecurity informing us that we can’t control the inevitable progression into our post-middle-age years. Unfortunately, many feel disoriented if not depressed. But, as much as there’s a tendency to cling to what was, some do manage to transition effortlessly. What’s their secret? Well, it’s rather simple: they yield to life’s inevitable progression rather than resisting it. For those who resist, unfortunately, they’re in for a sad and challenging awakening—our lives cannot be reversed (a.k.a., controlled). Manipulated yes to some degree, but ultimately not controlled. 

     The fortunate post-middle-year individuals who yield to life’s inevitable flow recognize there’s more to life then chasing the shiny objects of youth (sorry Porsche 911 owners). Things that once seemed crucial to our happiness are now delegated to a junk heap of discarded--often misguided—pursuits and illusions. Don’t get me wrong, during the mid-years of our lives, we can’t expect to have the perspective, relativity, or wisdom that’s offered in the next phase of life. And yet, how sad to see someone, Sisyphus-like, desperately continuing to try to reverse the inevitable hands of time. And don’t think for one minute that they’re in the minority. The anti-ageing market in the U.S. is a 60+ billion-dollar industry! 

     Alas, my mother-in-law, who, in her 90s, had the right “yielding” attitude, “ya get old, ya get ugly.” (Did you just gasp?)

    By yielding we have the opportunity for true psychological maturity. That’s the ability to handle life head on, as it is, no deflections, no denial. It’s learning to live courageously by accepting what is, rather that what was. Living courageously is an important Self-Coaching concept. Very important.

     So, if you want meaning in your life, no matter what phase you’re in, recognize that trying to control life’s inevitable flow is a fool’s errand, eventually you must capitulate. So why not enjoy the ride by becoming more present? Tomorrow will take care of itself. What are you doing right now to live more correctly, courageously, and maturely? There’s no question that if you become responsive to life, opening yourself to the flow, each decade will shed more and more light on the meaning of your life. But please, don't tax your brain trying to figure out that meaning, you won’t find it intellectually. It has to find you. I’ll give you a hint, when it’s time, like the supernova in M101, what was once invisible can suddenly appear. As the Zen adage goes, ‘when the pupil is ready, the teacher appears.’ Let life be your teacher.

Our lives flow from childhood through adolescence to the middle years and, so as not to spook you, to what I call the, post-middle years. It’s the middle years (let’s say from our 30s to our 50s), which are typically spent in what we might call the acquisition phase of life. That’s where we typically go through an external whirlwind of doing, buying, competing, becoming, evolving, and so on (phew!). These are years of seismic growth as we form relationships, establish roots, careers, all the while enjoying an exuberance mostly for life’s external things--the seemingly essential things.

Then, at some point middle age begins to—ever so gradually--yield to our post-middle-age. For many, the concept of growing older can evoke a deep rumbling associated with feeling a bit disoriented, anxious, if not depressed. But, as much as there’s a tendency to cling to what was, some do manage to transition effortlessly. What’s their secret? Well, truth is there is no secret and the solution is really rather simple. So, join me in this Self-Coaching episode as I explore an invaluable mindset and understanding that will pave the way for your ultimate psychological maturity ensuring a life of meaning and purpose.

Let’s face it, no one escapes life challenges. Sometimes, it’s all we can do to slog through and regain our emotional balance. In this Self-Coaching episode, I reintroduce and expand my ‘wave’ theory for handling life’s inevitable struggles. You’ll learn about the four types of “waves” and various Self-Coaching strategies for getting through even the most devastating life events.

What’s interesting is that as inevitable as actual life challenges are (i.e., illness, loss of a job, etc.), they only make up a small portion or our overall struggle. The majority of our emotional struggles are the result of our tendency to become “wave creators.” We generate needless, artificial, neurotic waves and struggles. By learning to eliminate your propensity to generate anticipatory waves of insecurity, you can learn to Self-Coach a more fluid and healthy way to handle life’s real challenges.  

No question we’re all looking for quick, abracadabra solutions to our emotional struggles. But the reality is that unless you realize the habit nature of anxiety, depression, unhappiness, and so on, you’ll never understand the real solution. In this Self-Coaching episode, I talk about what’s necessary for you to unravel the habits of insecurity that continue to reinforce your struggles. The only caveat, you have to be prepared to commit yourself to practicing your Self-Coaching efforts every day.

Let’s face it, emotional liberation doesn't just happen, especially if you’ve been suffering for years. It happens if you have clear path to follow and a willingness to fight-the-good-fight, taking your life back from the reflexive distortions of habituated insecurity.

To some extent, humans seem to have an innate fear of abandonment. When early life circumstances (divorce, neglect, etc.) cause a disruption to the child’s developing ego, chances are that the fear of abandonment can percolate through life creating anxiety, stress and dysfunctional relating.

In this Self-Coaching episode, I discuss the origins of abandonment fear as well as the many manifestations it may take in adult life such as a heightened sense of insecurity, inability to trust, jealousy, etc.

“I can’t find a job.” “I can’t lose weight.” “I can’t stop worrying.” Are you paralyzed by self-doubt or discouraged by lack of confidence? There’s no question that self-doubt and self-distrust will suppress your true potential for success and happiness. In this Self-Coaching episode, you’ll learn the attitude that’s necessary to effectively challenge and reverse your hesitations, paving the way for a more courageous path forward toward a more fulfilling life.

Perhaps it’s time to become your own best coach and to confidently start to make good things happen. What are you waiting for?

Through the years, I’ve been told by many patients entering therapy, “I don’t want to blame my parents.” This is especially true with loving—however misguided—parents. What’s the truth? Is it fair to point a finger of blame for your struggles on your mother or father? Or is it a cop out?

A child grows up, in a sense, through the “eyes” of the parents. Parents dealing with their own neurotic issues will indirectly send an unsettling message to the young child that the world must not be such a safe place. After all, if mom or dad are struggling…. So, the question comes up as to just how significant an impact do parents have on whether or not their child will grow up with neuroticism?

In this Self-Coaching episode I explore the relativity of the parental influence, the non-parental environment, and the genetic influence of why we suffer. With notable exceptions (i.e., unloving parents; alcohol or drug addicted parents; etc.) it’s usually not fair to point a finger of blame. Doing so makes us victims of our childhood; a mature and honest understanding of our parents can be catalytic in helping us break the historical habits of insecurity that feed our emotional struggle in the present.

Confucius once said, “man who stand on hill with mouth open will wait long time for roast duck to drop in.” Is this you? Are you passively waiting for life to deliver your happiness? Just plodding along, day by day, hoping that things will get better? Wishing that things were different? In this Self-Coaching episode, I discuss how you can determine what you need—really need— to have a happier more successful life.

It all begins by learning to differentiate holistic, mature goals from misguided, insecurity-driven pursuits. With this clarity, you can begin to start to change the psychological and behavioral habits that have contributed to your less-than-optimal happiness.

After struggling with the audio quality of my podcasts for the past couple of weeks, I’ve managed to almost survive the software update that caused all my problems. In this Self-Coaching episode, I discuss how difficult it is to change from the familiar devil-you-know, to the unfamiliar devil that you don’t.

With change occurring faster and faster, we are all victims of constant change in life. For me, it’s a real  burden (as you’ll hear) to abandon what has worked for years only to have everything once learned turned upside down because some programmer decided that he or she has designed a better ‘mouse trap.’  

In this week’s Self-Coaching podcast, I discuss the importance of regaining self-confidence. Loss of confidence can happen gradually overtime due to an erosion instigated by insecurity or it can happen suddenly with a one embarrassing mishap. And once our confident attitude becomes corrupted with self-doubt, we are prevented from functioning at our true potential.

Typically, low self-confidence is rooted in what we call performance anxiety, where a skill that was once mastered becomes sabotaged by the introduction of doubt and fear. Whether it’s a musician worried about the next note, a surgeon distrusting her skills, or driving your car not trusting yourself on the highway, once you lose confidence and self-trust, what was once mindless, becomes an ongoing torment of anticipatory worry and anxiety

One thing we all have in common as human beings, is the fact that life has its ups and downs. Emotional struggle is part of life—no one is spared. Whether it’s circumstantial challenges like losing a job, arguing with your partner, or worrying about a tax audit, life can often pound us with challenges. But sometimes, it’s not life challenges that hammer us, it’s our self-imposed challenges instigated by projections of insecurity or pessimism.

 In this Self-Coaching episode, I offer a visual that can help you understand the wave-nature of struggle. When caught up in one of life’s “waves,” —whether externally imposed or internally generated by insecurity— it’s not only important for you to know how to get through each struggle, but how to extend the serene life that exists in between the ‘waves’ of emotional chaos. I offer four Self-Coaching suggestions that will help you, not only handle life’s inevitable challenges, but also how not to create “false waves” of suffering that contribute to anxiety and depression.

Intuitively, we all have a sense of what’s normal and what isn’t. For example, if all of a sudden you feel your tooth aching, you certainly would feel that’s not normal—something’s wrong (abnormal). Same criteria can be applied to psychological disturbances. If, inexplicably, you begin to feel anxious and depressed, you would feel somethings wrong—not normal.

Bottom line: emotional suffering is not normal

In this Self-Coaching episode, I explore this concept of normalcy by describing psychological disturbances as occurring on a continuum ranging from mild to moderate, to severe symptoms. Understanding how emotional struggle can progress helps us understand the need for not reinforcing the habits of insecurity that underlie neurotic struggle. Once you understand what perpetuates your struggles, you’ll be in a position to “unlearn” that in you which has become neurotic.

Ruminative, worrisome thinking can lead to emotional friction, unwanted stress, anxiety, and depression. In this Self-Coaching episode, I discuss a simple ABC technique that will teach you to liberate yourself and your life from the burden of worry and stress.

In this Self-Coaching episode, I explore the emotional triggers and ingrained behaviors driving overindulgence. You can begin to retrain your brain, along with simple self-coaching techniques proven to break self-sabotaging cravings, compulsions, and emotional eating. These strategies will turn healthy eating into an effortless process of ongoing weight mastery.

You’ll learn about the 3 enemies of weight loss: adverse circumstances; harmful emotions; destructive habits

If you listened to this week's podcast (A better way to fall asleep, stay asleep, and make sense of your dreams) I talked about "Peter's spider." This is a sketch of a dream made by a patient who had been struggling all his life with a co-dependent, controlling mother. Check out the podcast to listen to the full interpretation of his dream.

Whether you have chronic or occasional difficulty falling asleep, it’s important to understand why falling asleep and staying asleep can become…well, a nightmare in itself. Have you ever wondered why our thoughts at night seem to come unhinged? Whether it’s fears, worries, or what-if thinking, nighttime can leave us feeling defenseless and victimized by our own thoughts. In this Self-Coaching episode learn how to quiet your mind, turn off stressful thoughts, and allow peaceful, restful sleep to find you.

And what about dreams? Should we pay attention to our dreams and if so, how can we make sense of the messages dreams may have for us? Let me suggest a simple format for interpreting dreams that will allow you to profit from them in your daily life.

I believe it was Pascal who said that there is one true love and a thousand different copies. In this Self-Coaching episode, I attempt to explain the different manifestations of love while doing my best to get to what we call true love. And yes, I believe that true love isn’t a myth.

It helps to think of love as an evolutionary engineered progression that begins with a hormonal, carnal desire we often refer to as lust, which can progress to what is often called romantic, infatuated love and eventually, if you are fortunate enough, winds up with committed, life-long love.

Join me during this Valentine week to explore the psychology as well as the chemistry as to why human beings were designed to fall in love.

In this Self-Coaching episode, I introduce the notion that emotional suffering stems from psychological immaturity, preventing us from living up to our full potential. I realize this may feel insulting, especially if you suffer from anxiety or depression, however, I’m not talking about someone who acts immature, I’m specifically referring to someone whose psychological resources has been thwarted by regressive habits of insecurity. My contention is that emotional “maturity” requires that we transcend the strangle hold that insecurity has on our emotional evolution.

The habits of insecurity, which were acquired during our developmental years, have inadvertently prevented us from developing adequate self-confidence and self-trust. Instead of emotionally maturing and handling life from a place of strength, we become reliant on defensive strategies of control. And that’s the rub! We’ve learned to use controlling strategies to handle life rather than by developing our own, innate, capacity for self-empowerment.

Yesterday and tomorrow’s woes are merely mental concepts that take up space
in your mind. Do you feel crowded? mentally congested? If so, then learning to
live in the present moment of your life can be truly liberating!

Do keep in mind that anxiety and depression disappear when you're
"present." How does this happen? Think about it, anxiety is all about
"what-iffing," which is always about the future (i.e., leaving the
present). Depression is about imploding into darker thoughts and regrets, which
pull you away from the pristine moment into past regrets and future
hopelessness (i.e., leaving the present). Anxiety and depression require
cognition—thinking, ruminating, while being present...well, it's being immersed
in the moment as it exists separate from any mental contamination. Truly a
place of liberation.

Clearly, you can't be present every moment of every day, however, with practice
you can begin to find more escape from the reflexive thoughts of insecurity
that have become your habit. And who knows, with a practice of being present,
perhaps you'll soon be able to tip the balance from emotional struggle to
emotional solace.

Have you ever found yourself staring down at an empty bowl of ice cream wondering what just happened?

Or holding an empty bag of M&Ms?

Let's face it — no one consciously decides to sabotage their diet. So how is it that your best intentions can be so blindsided by...by what?

According to stimulus-response theory, we're often derailed by a kind of knee-jerk way of thinking: You see a TV commercial for a juicy bacon double cheeseburger (stimulus) and next thing you know you're driving to McDonald's (response).

In order to minimize this kind of mindless eating, you need to become aware of the circumstances that leave you most susceptible to falling off the healthy food wagon.

You are particularly susceptible to knee-jerk sabotage when:

1. You're stressed. Whether it's caused by life challenges, illness, or fatigue, stress depletes you emotionally as well as physically.

When you become depleted, food — especially the salty, sweet, fatty, high calorie kind — beckons you with promises of escape, sedation, and comfort. Ah!

And these promises aren't exaggerations. Food does offer the relief you seek — well, at least until you swallow!

2. You're bored. Boredom is an emotion that leaves you feeling fidgety and somewhat out of control. Your go-to comfort food not only promises the distracting pleasure of something to do, but will flood your brain with feel-good chemicals. Your restlessness is swept away by the blissful tranquility of escape.

3. You're watching TV (or otherwise distracted). We are creatures of habit as well as creatures of comfort. And what's more comforting — or mindless — than zoning out binge-watching your favorite TV series while digging into that bag of chips?

Mindless distraction and snacking become ritualistic habits, just like a tub of popcorn becomes a must at the movie theater.

4. You're depressed or anxious. Emotional struggle and stress are inseparable, leaving you feeling desperate and out of control. Destructive eating is an anesthetic to your emotional pain and discomfort.

The feel-good chemical dopamine is released in the brain and — at least while you're eating — your emotional pain is numbed.

5. You're in a restaurant or planning to go out to eat. This is where your mind begins to "graze:" "Hmm, what am I in the mood for tonight?"

I call this "mind-tasting." Once you begin to mind-taste, you're already putting in motion the physiological changes associated with actually eating those delicious foods. Mind-tasting is a surefire way to open the door to destructive eating.

6. You feel your stomach growl. You haven't eaten in a few hours, it's almost lunch time, and your stomach growls. For many people, this sets off a small panic: "I'm starving! I need to eat something right now."

In typical knee-jerk fashion, you're conditioned to jump when your stomach beckons. More often than not, it's your mind, not your body, that needs to be fed.

7. You're alone or lonely. Loneliness is a stressful state, which at times is unavoidable. We try to reduce the stress of loneliness by using food to fill the emptiness in our lives.

Food, quite literally, "fills" us. And when you're feeling empty and alone, being full can be quite comforting.

8. You see or smell a nostalgic comfort food. The sight or aroma of a childhood comfort food can release in the brain the same chemicals involved in tasting these foods (mind-tasting again).

It's why fast food restaurants have pictures on their menus. You stand there mind-tasting each possibility until you settle on the one choice that seems to offer the most satisfaction.

9. You've had an alcoholic beverage — or three. Alcohol distorts both your physical and psychological perceptions of hunger. You probably already know that alcohol adds calories, weakens self-discipline, and stimulates hunger.

Having a drink before or during your meal will lower your inhibitions and diminish your willpower. Save the wine for dessert.

10. You're tired, you have access to junk food and it's late at night. Fatigue reduces your capacity for tolerating stress. Nighttime is when things begin to wind down, you've had a hard day, and you're hoping to reward yourself for having survived the day's demands.

Or perhaps it's your knee-jerk, ritualistic need for a "night cap" before retiring. It's easy to fall prey to "tomorrow is another day" thinking and go for the brownies and glass of milk.

“We have met the enemy and he is us.” (Pogo, 1970)

If you or a loved one suffers from anxiety, depression, or emotional struggle this podcast can help. Emotional healing doesn’t have to be complicated or mysterious, not once you know the simple, straight-forward truth.

Taking your life back from the struggles fueled by insecurity begins with an understanding of exactly what you need to be doing to reclaim your life from emotional turmoil. I’ve done my best to condense my Self-Coaching program into a clear, step-by-step format that you can start implementing today.

I just found this photo in one of my folders. No! This is not the famous picture taken at Oxbow Bend by Ansel Adams, it’s a facsimile that I took on a trip to Wyoming a few years back. I hunted out the site of this famous picture and snapped the shot. You might say this was a kind of photo-plagiarism, but then again, I’m not a great landscape photographer. Ansel Adams was.

Rather than lamenting the fact that you have limitations, you can find ways to exceed those limitations (like my photo). Sometimes, getting more out of life requires that you have to be creative in your own way.

Regardless of the chaotic world we currently find ourselves in, periodically, practice allowing yourself to imagine that everything you need to have an optimistic, creative, good day, you already possess. Just permit yourself to relax and accept this fundamental notion “AS-IF” it’s true. No doubt you’ll struggle with reflexive doubts, fears, and hesitations, but for now, remember to accept this concept as-if it’s true. The important thing in this drill is that you’ll begin to get a taste of what it’s like to be empowered rather then victimized by life circumstances. You’ll be pleasantly surprised at the lasting changes in your mood and your life.

Are we hardwired to stimulate our brains? Think about it…do you ever just do nothing? If we’re not watching TV or paying bills, we’re either texting or eating…we’re always doing something. And doing something is more pleasing to the brain than doing nothing. The reason behind this is because of a neurotransmitter in our brain called dopamine. Dopamine is the ‘feel good’ chemical that creates reward-seeking habit loops in our brains causing us to repeat pleasurable behavior.

In this Self-Coaching episode, I explore the ups and downs of our technical world of computers, TVs, and smart phones, delivering to us an ongoing source of dopamine release. But, is this a good thing?

Perspective helps us to understand life from other vantage points. When we become solidified in our biases and entrenched beliefs, we lose perspective. Ask yourself, do you harbor any prejudices? Biases? Objectivity in life is a precious, albeit diminishing attribute as we become more and more and more polarized as a society. It's perspective that gives us a better understanding and empathy, which in turn reduces bias, judgement, and needless conflict.

Take the cloudlike, surreal beauty of the California nebula, 1,000 light-years away. It reminds me that sometimes my petty, narrowminded perspective needs to be challenged with a more expansive, renewed perspective. When this happens, I see life more clearly, more in context. As the song goes, “…every little thing is going to be all right.”

January-February, the months that gyms, aerobic, and yoga classes swell with new members. January's the month of new resolutions and lofty intentions. And the best way to sustain your intentions today, tomorrow and for life, is to follow a path of moderation.

Take the first step by embracing the notion that LESS IS MORE. Work this month to sustain the enjoyment and the enthusiasm; do this and your resolutions will become solutions.

If you’re human, you’ve experienced fear. As a protective mechanism, fear has been pivotal to our evolutional survival. In our everyday world, the stakes are much lower, it’s not so much about survival from physical harm, but more about our emotional, “what-if” concerns and anxieties.

But what if these emotional anticipations are, in fact, reality based, like getting fired, sued, audited, or finding out that your spouse is cheating on you? Although these aren’t actual survival threats, they are valid, and our psyche doesn’t know the difference.

In this Self-Coaching episode, I try to establish that fear, legitimate or neurotic, has a basis in insecurity. By understanding the actual source—that which fuels our fear—we can begin to implement a Self-Coaching strategy to alleviate needless, ruminative fear and anxiety in our lives.

We will never eliminate the instinctual fear response (nor should we ever want to), but at the very least, we can eliminate neurotic fears and restrain the fears connected to life’s more legitimate threats.

Beauty is all around us...and beyond us. Sometimes, like the California Nebula, it's 1,000 light-years beyond us. Beauty awaits us to notice.

(image taken from my light polluted skies of New Jersey)

Anyone growing up knows the pain of not being picked for a game of kick ball. It really is no different when you find out you weren’t invited to a wedding or when you didn’t land that job…you feel rejected! And rejection is painful. In fact, the pain of rejection is processed in the same part of your brain that processes physical pain. A broken heart isn’t far removed from a broken arm when it comes to the brain.

In this Self-Coaching episode, I discuss why some of us have such a hard time recovering from perceived rejection. No question about it, rejection really hurts. And if you happen to have a fragile ego, rejection can be a paralyzing experience. Join me as I discuss various strategies to fortify yourself from life’s inevitable rejections —warranted or unwarranted.

It’s a fact, some people are just plain annoying. Right? But do you really know if you may inadvertently be annoying others? In this Self-Coaching episode join me as I explore what psychologists call affective presence. Essentially, affective presence refers to our ability to influence and affect people around us.

Learn the tell-tale signs of when people might be finding it difficult to be with you.

To become more effective—and less annoying—you’re going to have to learn to read the psychological tea leaves. And although it helps to read other’s body language and non-verbal clues, the real secret is learning how to engage others by being socially present and not distracted by insecurity or unconsciousness.

Are you tired of holding yourself back, dreading the challenges you face each day, tip-toeing through life fearful of making mistakes or being embarrassed?

Rather than swimming in self-doubt and lack of confidence, this Self-Coaching episode will offer you a plan that will enable you to engage your innate resources without your usual hesitations and fears. You’re going to learn an important, life changing lesson from a very determined frog.

I hate getting a cold! There, I’ve said it. Yeah, I’m a bit of a baby especially comparing myself to my wife who is much more stoic and accepting of such viral inconveniences. In my defense, through the years I’ve grown more tolerant—well somewhat more tolerant. But, hey, at least I don’t complain any more.

Join me in this Self-Coaching episode as explore a few ways to not let the common cold keep you, as they say, under the weather.

In this Self-Coaching episode, I explore the nature of psychological maturity. Although psychological maturity is a relative concept, understanding the elements that go into enhancing and advancing your own personal maturity will serve to help you have less stress, more happiness, optimism and the quality of life you’ve been missing.

You’ll be introduced to various strategies, such as becoming more flexible, responsible, resilient, and more emotionally balanced as you begin to self-coach your way toward relinquishing the reflexive insecurities that erode true maturity. Keep in mind that psychological immaturity will inevitably lead to emotional struggle and unhappiness.

I don’t know too many people who enjoy the approach of winter. I know even less people who loath the process of setting our clocks back to standard time—the dreaded end of daylight savings time! Aside from the abrupt disruption to our lives, schedules, and circadian rhythms, resetting our clocks twice a year has become a real pain in the keister.

Join me in this Self-Coaching episode as I explore simple ways to make your transition to the darker days ahead less stressful. You might even want to employ ‘hygge,’ a strategy the Scandinavians, who endure months of total darkness, use.

In this Self-Coaching Halloween episode, I talk about the importance of embracing the transient nature of our lives. Paradoxically, we do this by becoming more present, embracing life more intimately without allowing ourselves to become contaminated by the abstract fears of change.

Halloween, since it’s Celtic origins six hundred years ago, has been a celebration of the harvest and the winter to come. A time where we don masks and disguises to thumb our noses at life’s darker realities. Yet, it’s also a celebration that we are here! We are alive and we have the option to live life more courageously in the moment without anticipation of the ‘winter’ to come.

In this Self-Coaching episode join me as I explore your innate psychological tendency to actualize your true potential for a richer, more satisfying life. Like homeostasis, which is the body's way to maintain balance, your psyche can do the same--if you remove the impediments of insecurity.

Whether it’s a shrink, a guru, a shaman, or a pill, at some point you need to realize that you are in the best position to heal yourself. Essentially, this episode will teach you to self-coach yourself from identification with impotence and frustration, toward an empowered step-by-step method geared to unleash your instinctive capacity to claim the life you deserve.

Everyone talks about being present–staying in the moment. But what exactly does this mean? What exactly is the “present?” The present, mathematically speaking, is a single point in time. Now here’s where it gets weird, the point we call “present” has no duration—it is a timeless point!

I like to think of being present as engaging so intimately with life that time seems to stand still. I’m sure you’ve experienced this. It’s when you’re so involved in your moment (being present), you’re suspended—no past, no future, only the now…only the moment. It’s a wonderful and liberating experience every time you bath in that pristine, timelessness.

Starting today, find your presence in whatever you do. The universe will applaud you and grant you the gift of timelessness. And can’t we all use a break from life’s tedium?

Einstein once said that God doesn’t play dice with the universe. I’m no Einstein, but when in comes to emotional struggle, well, in my humble, Self-Coaching opinion, God doesn’t play dice with our emotional survival. Translation: Whether it’s anxiety, depression, panic, or everyday emotional struggle, these problems don’t just happen, they aren’t random afflictions. Just as Einstein believed in the mathematical laws of nature, similarly, I feel that if you understand the “laws” of emotional struggle, you can understand, not only why you struggle, but what you can do to liberate yourself from needless emotional distress. And you can begin the process today!

In this Self-Coaching episode, I discuss getting to your core personality—your untainted potential for being the genuine person you were meant to be. There are a few prerequisites to releasing your genuine self, such as letting go of negativity, focusing on your strengths, being open to change, not living in the past (or future), and most importantly, shedding your insecurities.

Getting to your core of who you are requires that you peel away the layers of reflexive insecurity-driven distortions. Each layer you peel away reveals more and more of your true potential to be you. And the closer you come to being you, the more you’ll experience a resonance with life, with others, and with yourself.

Ever hear the adage, what doesn’t kill us, makes us stronger? What do you think? Do you think it’s just a platitude for keeping your chin up? There is research to support the notion that perceived failure can be the catalyst for future success. People like Oprah, Steven King, Walt Disney and many others support this notion, including my own personal experience with my guidance counselor telling my mother not to waste her money on sending me to college!

In this Self-Coaching episode, join me to explore the benefits that can be derived from embracing setbacks and failures. Learn how to change a slumping life into one of passion and purpose. It’s all about learning to find your “target.”  

Most of us want to be liked and most of us don’t want to be disliked, right? So, what are the qualities that enhance the likelihood that you’ll be liked? In this Self-Coaching episode I discuss 11 tips for ensuring that you can maximize your likeability in every relationship encounter.

What draws people to you has to do with learning not only to be a good listener, but how to cultivate genuine interest even when the other person is boring you to death. Tips like, injecting energy and optimism, pacing, sense of humor, and learning to become more conscious of these and other tendencies that you can coach yourself to embrace.

On the flip side of being liked are tendencies that turn people off to us. Tendencies like complaining too much, not understanding the need for balance, feigning interest, or simply talking too fast.

When I was in high school my guidance counselor told my mother not to waste her money sending me to college (true story).  Never listen to anyone who tells you that you "can't."

“He made me sad.” “Her rudeness ruined my day.”

Do you allow people to get ‘under your skin?’ Making you feel hurt, angry, or frustrated? If so, this Self-Coaching episode will help you understand your emotional sensitivity-triggers. So, stop blaming others and stop being victimized by your hypersensitivity. It’s time to discover a way to never feel emotionally manipulated again. 

Once you take your power back, you’ll be in a position to evaluate your relationships and friendships more objectively, making decisions as to how to navigate through the most difficult relationship challenges and skirmishes.

It’s important to understand that relationships aren’t static, and this episode will help you adjust your perceptions as to who you can trust, who you can love, and who is likely to hurt you.

The optimist finds a way to succeed, the pessimist a way to fail, the doubter does neither. Your future depends on how you frame your thoughts.

Everyone talks about being present--staying in the moment. But what exactly does this mean? What exactly is the “present?” The present, mathematically speaking, is a single point in time. Now here’s where it gets weird, the point we call “present” has no duration—it is a timeless point!

I like to think of being present as engaging so intimately with life that time seems to stand still. I’m sure you’ve experienced this. It’s when you’re so involved in your moment (being present), you're suspended—no past, no future, only the now...only the moment. It’s a wonderful and liberating experience every time you bath in that pristine, timelessness.

Starting today, find your presence in whatever you do. The universe will applaud you and grant you the gift of timelessness. And can't we all use a break from life's tedium?

When you meet someone and you’re trying to size them up, chances are logic won’t tell you the whole story. You need to hand yourself over to other important forms of information—intuitive information. In order to do this, you begin by giving up any preconceptions or biases you might have that could interfere with your seeing someone more accurately. From this vantage point you begin to tune into the persons, words, tone, appearance, body language, and so on. All adding data to your final assessment, “should I pursue this relationship or should I flee it?”

Doesn’t matter if it’s your partner, your co-worker, or someone you meet for the first time at a party, learning to read people more accurately will help you with what I call developing your ‘psychological antenna’—the ability to use all your senses to form a more accurate picture of the person you’re connecting with.

In this Self-Coaching episode, you’ll learn the steps involved in assessing someone beyond first impressions. If you’re in a relationship with someone, you’ll learn to better read their non-verbal messages, moods, and defenses. You’ll also learn what you can do to offer people the best and most accurate ‘read’ of you.

Logic alone won’t tell you the whole story about anybody. You must surrender to other vital forms of information so that you can learn to read the important non-verbal intuitive cues that people give off. To do this, you must also be willing to surrender any preconceptions, or emotional baggage such as old resentments or ego clashes, that stop you from seeing someone clearly. The key is to remain objective and receive information neutrally without distorting it.

 “If it's your job to eat a frog, it's best to do it first thing in the morning. And if it's your job to eat two frogs, it's best to eat the biggest one first.” Mark Twain

In this Self-Coaching episode, I discuss the nature of procrastination. Procrastination isn’t an illness or a diagnostic category, it’s a personality tendency (a.k.a., habit). And since procrastination isn’t an ‘illness,’ you don’t have to cure it. You may have to address it, especially if your life is being sabotaged by escaping life’s demands.

Join me as I explore my own “ADD” personality, which in my estimation has nothing to do with an inability to focus, but rather a having a low threshold to boredom. I’m a stimulus junkie and in order to avoid procrastination, anything of low stimulus value requires flexing my self-discipline muscle. Developing your self-discipline muscle is one way you can begin to make your life more efficient and your intentions more obtainable. No more ‘kicking-the-can-down-the-road,’ learn how to flex your self-discipline muscle.

This is a photo I took a few weeks ago of the Veil Nebula (better known as the Witches Broom). It got me thinking as I was sweeping up some crumbs cluttering up my kitchen floor. What are the crumbs that clutter up our lives? Worry, fear, negativity, self-doubt, to name a few. If only we had a broom to sweep them out of our psyche. The good news is that you do have a broom, it's called self-trust. With self-trust you're willing to sweep away anticipatory, hesitant broodings (a.k.a., the dreaded, 'what-ifs?') and replace them with the courage to live life in the present, as it unfolds (not in some uncertain future).

If you struggle emotionally this may feel risky because you're abandoning your go-to neurotic strategies of control (e.g., worry, rumination, compulsivity, etc.) and just because it feels risky doesn't mean it is risky. By abandoning your tendency to over-control life, you're allowing yourself to tap into your true potential. Two million years of evolution have made you a survival machine--instinctually your real power resides within you. And this power is released with a willingness to self-trust.

Find your broom.

Why do we dream? Are dreams important? Some scientists say that dreams serve no real purpose at all. Whether you interpret a dream or not, most research suggests that there’s no question dreaming is essential to both your physiological and emotional balance. How exactly this is accomplished is anyone’s guess at this point, but one thing is certain, dreams can often be used to facilitate your emotional growth and life journey.

Join me in this Self-Coaching episode and learn a simple approach that will help you decipher your dreams and put them to use for every day mental health. You don’t need to have a Ph.D. in psychology, just a practical Self-Coaching approach that incorporates the previous day’s ups and downs to offer a lead-in to interpreting and understanding your nocturnal stories.  

Self-Coaching combines three key elements--Cognitive Behavioral Psychology + Motivational coaching + Neuroplasticity--to give you all the tools you need to liberate yourself from a life of struggle.

Now that my book, Unlearning Anxiety & Depression is available once again on Amazon, I think it's important for you to understand why this book has proven to be so successful in dealing with not just anxiety and depression, but with emotional struggles in general.

Take a look at this video I made discussing Step One

After a bit of a delay, all the distribution problems with my book, Unlearning Anxiety & Depression, have been resolved. Check it out at Amazon today!

For many who suffer from depression, there’s a slow progressive decline to our lives as we watch our mood and general sense of wellbeing eroding. You've come to realize that feeling sorry for yourself doesn’t bring about change, only more problems. What's necessary is a reasonable effort to reclaim a feeling of self-trust and hopefulness. Hope is a powerful remedy for a life of struggle. The good news is that hope is always an option. If you feel hopeless, think again. And again.

Pinwheel Galaxy 20.8 million light years away...there's so much more to this thing we call existence

Prior to my venture into astrophotography, I had no idea of what incomprehensible beauty existed above my light polluted skies of New Jersey. Perhaps we should all understand that not everything in life is visible to us at first. According to Self-Coaching, It's not light pollution that limits us psychologically, it's the habits of insecurity that cripple us with self-doubt, fear, and negativity.

When life seems limited by self-defeating thoughts and challenging circumstances, it’s up to you to find a way—Hannibal-like, you must conquer your mountains. if you are tenacious enough, you might be astonished what lies on the other side of your efforts..

Take a look at my image of my Heart Nebula, 7,500 light years away

According to Self-Coaching, emotional struggle defies common sense. Truth is, it just doesn’t make any sense to go on struggling month after month, year after year. In this episode join me in a discussion of the fallacy of common sense and how replacing this concept with a more workable concept like ‘practical sense,’ is truly the work that’s necessary to achieve emotional liberation and happiness.  

The fact is that we all complain—some more, some less. But what’s so bad about complaining? In the Self-Coaching episode, you’ll learn how complaining is like experiencing the same torment over and over again, thereby revisiting the stress of our complaint over and over again. Not only is it stressful to complain, it also turns us into victims, grumblers, and whiners.

Did you know that complaining, especially chronic complaining, is a habit? Yup, complaining actually rewires your brain for negativity, pessimism, and unhappiness. Anatomically, complaining actually shrinks the hippocampus in your brain, which among other duties is involved in critical problem solving and intelligent thought.

In other words, complaining ain’t no free lunch. Join me as I explore the different types of complaining and why it’s in your best interest to break the complaining habit.  

I don’t know about you, but I’m getting fatigued hearing about the next ‘wave’ of this virus. I believe it’s now called the Ba.5 variant. Great, right!

Granted, it does seem as if we’ve become more resilient since all this began in January 2020. We seemingly have adapted rather well, however, just beneath the surface is that January 2020 reflexive feeling of paranoia. Guess it’s a form of PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder)

Is it okay to socialize? Is it practical to go to the theater, restaurants, weddings? Sure, we’ve come a long way, but we’re nowhere near putting Covid in our rear-view mirror. Until that time comes, I’d like to offer a Self-Coaching approach where you can learn the value of being concerned rather than worried, being prudent when defining your comfort zones, and most importantly living each day with legitimate optimism

We live in a world where frustrations are an inevitable part of life and learning to tolerate frustration should be a part of your healing journey. In this Self-Coaching episode, I talk about the nature of “intolerance”—letting life’s frustrations victimize you.

Maybe you’ve tried counting to 10, taking deep breaths, or thinking of purple elephants, all to no avail. Unless you have a better grasp on how and why you wind up frazzled by life’s frustrations, you’ll continue to be triggered by these events.

Join me in an exploration of how that pristine moment between the stimulus (frustrating event) and response (becoming frazzled) can become your key to a calmer, healthier acceptance of life’s inevitable challenges.

In this Self-Coaching episode, I discuss the important concept of compassion. Compassion literally means “to suffer together” and is defined as the feeling that arises when you’re confronted with another's suffering and you feel motivated to do something in order to relieve that suffering. Research shows that compassion in life adds to our genuine happiness as well as our physical health and longevity.

Although we typically think compassion as it relates to others, it also pertains to ourselves in what we might call self-compassion—the need for healthy forgiveness and nurturing. And yet there are some who are insulated from compassionate caring, retreating into their “turtle” shells of detachment and defensive insulation. Still others, in contrast, become overly involved in compassionate involvement creating what we call compassion fatigue. Join me as I discuss the different manifestations of this very important psychological emotion.

I’ll admit, it sounds rather preposterous that there could be one reason for all emotional struggle, it just seems to defy common sense. Perhaps. Nevertheless, understanding the reason why we suffer isn’t as important as knowing what we can do to liberate ourselves from a life of struggle.

Join me in this Self-Coaching episode as I lay out my reasoning why emotional liberation requires, not abstract, arcane psychological theory, but what I call, common sense psychology. I always say, psychology doesn’t have to be rocket science, it simply has to make sense—common sense.

In this episode you’ll learn how to apply my Self-Coaching principles to solving emotional struggle. Whether you suffer from anxiety, depression, worry, or challenging moods, Self-Coaching is a hands-on technique for liberating yourself from needless insecurity-driven, distorted thinking. By learning to distinguish between your thoughts that are contaminated by insecurity and your mature, healthy thoughts, you’ll be in a position to choose a life free of conflict and struggle.

Self-Coaching is much more than ‘coaching,’ it’s a powerful cognitive behavioral tool for understanding the why of suffering. The reason I call it Self-Coaching, is because in order to break the destructive, insecurity-driven habits that underly emotional struggle, you’re going to need to understand the need for motivational optimism in order to neutralize insecurity and replace it with self-trust. With self-trust, you’ll be free to live life spontaneously, without the worrisome need to always be in an anticipatory state of “what-iffing” life.              

Not getting enough out of life? Not bouncing back from setbacks? Feeling a lack of self-esteem or confidence? If so, you won’t want to miss this episode. Join me with my special guest (and daughter-in-law), Semira. Among her many talents and passions, Semira is a neuro physiologist, a mother of two, a skilled carpenter, artist, and gourmet cook, to mention only a few of her interests. How does she do it? What is it about her life and her attitude that allows her to savor all that life has to offer? Where others struggle with lethargy, lack of motivation, and empty lives, Semira has figured out the secret to a rich and rewarding life.

In this Self-Coaching episode, you’re going to learn what you can do to turn a ho-hum life into a more robust and fulfilling experience.

We often concede to stress by passively accepting the notion that we have no choice but to get upset when life challenges us. This is blatantly not true; you do have a choice! Join me in this Self-Coaching episode to find out how you can become more active in deciding whether or not you need to be victimized by needless neurotic, circumstantial stress.

The second century emancipated slave, Epictetus, taught that everything that affects us, whether good or bad, positive or negative, depends on our own judgments and how we interpret the circumstances of our lives.  In other words, life doesn’t dictate our happiness—our interpretation of life does!  This is why optimists are happier than pessimists. It was true in Roman times and it’s true today.

As for the 1,400 reasons? Well, you’ll have to listen to find out what they are.

The reason why an anxious person gets caught up negative, ruminative, worrisome thinking is simply because they're trying too hard to “figure out” how to handle the endless doubts, fears, and negative anticipations. I call this "over-thinking." Over-thinking is a manifestation of insecurity and only fuels the problem, making you more and more anxious. The key isn’t trying harder; it’s learning not to try! 

Try this experiment. Begin by “de-focusing” your thoughts and re-focusing on your unfolding moment--whatever you're doing--listen, feel, breath, but DON’T think or judge, simply participate with full attention.

Pretend that you're a video camera, simply recording every external nuance and detail in your environment. This simple exercise will help you detach from (and break the cycle of) ruminative anxiety. Do this and you'll be teaching yourself something very important, i.e., that you never have to feel victimized by anxious, over-thinking again!  

If you struggle with weight loss and weight mastery, I'm sure you know how easy it is to fall prey to false intentions, rationalizations, or excuses. In this Self-Coaching episode, you'll learn that there’s a big difference, for example, between wanting to eliminate late-night snacking and knowing that you’re going to do it. Wanting to is an excuse that postpones action, going to is the mental action-memo that triggers intentionality. In order to go from wanting to to going to, you have to learn to stop being manipulated by self-sabotaging ploys that I call your "enemies." All self-sabotaging ploys have one thing in common—they are subtle ways of getting you off the responsibility hook. And when it comes to losing weight knowing your enemies is the first step toward weight mastery

--Your brother just got his girlfriend’s name tattooed on his leg and your parents are going to flip out.

--You find out that a coworker is cheating on his fiancé.

Do you think if you heard this you would feel an urge to tell someone? Damn right you would!

In this Self-Coaching episode, we discuss whether gossiping is, in fact, part of our human nature—after all, everyone does it. But why? Why do we do it?  Is it a good thing or a bad thing? Could our tendency to gossip be harmful to our mental health? Join me in this episode to understand this rather intriguing tendency to, “spread the news.” Especially, the negative news.

In this Self-Coaching episode, I hope to convince you that emotional liberation doesn’t have to feel like rocket science, in fact Self-Coaching offers a commonsense approach that anyone can understand. If you recognize that habits, all habits, are learned and all habits can be broken, then you’re ready to tackle the habits of insecurity that have hobbled you with emotional struggle.

Do you recall insults better than praise? Do you think about negative things more frequently than positive ones? How about remembering traumatic experiences better than positive? Don’t feel bad, you’re not alone, it’s what psychologists call ‘negativity bias.’

In this Self-Coaching episode, I talk about this totally normal, human tendency to react more strongly to life’s negatives than to its positives. Join me as I explore not only why we are negatively biased but various Self-Coaching strategies to minimize this tendency and replace it with a more optimistic capacity for a happy, more fulfilled life.

  Here’s a simple Self-Coaching practice that will ensure your relationship’s ongoing sanity.

Bottom-up, top-down interventions will solve most relationship conflicts. This is especially true if both partners are employing these strategies.

In this Self-Coaching episode, you’ll learn that the strategy of calming down raw, bottom-up emotions of defensiveness, and replacing them with top-down, insightful thinking is perhaps the single best way to minimize, if not eliminate ongoing relationship stress.

I recently contributed to a wonderful article in Redfin, do check it out

Many people who struggle emotionally look back to their childhood for answers. But what happens when we scour our past only to find a “relatively” happy, loving, nurturing environment without any significant trauma or neglect?

The confusion often occurs when, for example, a patient in therapy scours their childhood assuming there must be something-something dysfunctional, alcoholic, abusive, or neglectful — about their parents. You know, the really bad stuff.

In this Self-Coaching episode, we’ll explore this paradox, demonstrating that not all anxiety and depression are a result of a completely dysfunctional nurturing environment. Far from it.

Next time you feel dead-ended by life, stuck, or overwhelmed by problems and worries, and you just want relief, rather than caving in to your feelings, recognize that you may need only a simple perceptual upgrade —a Self-Coaching “upgrade” that begins with an acknowledgement that just because you feel dead-ended and powerless doesn’t mean you are.

In this episode you’ll learn three Self-Coaching truths designed to provide you with an empowered perspective that will liberate you from needless psychological struggle

In this Self-Coaching episode, I discuss lying, particularly the ubiquitous, “white lie.” Is it wrong to fudge the truth if, in fact, we’re doing it to be diplomatic? Of course not; it’s what we might call a social lubricant. But when does white-lying cross the line becoming a neurotic problem?

Tune in to learn the difference and start to fine tune your life. It’s all about living “correctly” rather than at the mercy of reflexive insecurity.

My fortune cookie the other night read, "To be wronged is nothing unless you continue to remember it." How often do we torture ourselves over “spilled-milk” memories?

As Mark Twain put it, "Let us endeavor so to live that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry." Relationships matter, make a difference.

“Stone walls do not a prison make, Nor iron bars a cage.” Clearly Richard Lovelace’s poem wasn’t talking about an apartment, but it could be if your perspective begins to erode. Let’s face it, the only difference between a rainy day and a sunny day is that one is wet, the other isn't. The point is that everything in life just "is." Nature, life, sunny days, rainy days, and yes, even small apartments. But these are neither good nor bad--they just are! We humans determine good, bad, positive or negative. It's called perspective. It’s not life, but how you interpret life—your perspective—that makes all the difference. Try seeing your world with fresh eyes and an open mind.

The only difference between a rainy day and a sunny day is that one is wet, the other isn't. The point is that everything in life just "is." Nature, life, sunny days and rainy days are neither good nor bad--they just are! It's we humans that determine good, bad, positive or negative. It's called perspective. It's never life that brings you to your knees, how you interpret life, your perspective, that does.

Controlling life isn’t the answer, it happens to be the problemHuman beings are vulnerable creatures and when feeling out of control or insecure we instinctively tend to compensate with attempts to gain control and not feel insecure. Insecurity/vulnerability is the root of our struggles and trying to control life is the weed that grows from it. A desire to control life may begin subtly, going unnoticed for years, with no ill effects. But make no mistake: in time, control will act like a weed, overrunning your life with worry, doubt, and fear. Trying to control life is such a destructive strategy, yet few people see it for what it is.

In this Self-Coaching episode, you’ll learn why controlling life gives you an artificial and temporary feeling of security—you get seduced into thinking that your particular juggle of controlling strategies is the only way to escape vulnerability.

When confronted with life's challenges there's a simple three-step, Self-Coaching strategy that will help: 1.) Do the best you can

2.) Never, ever, criticize your efforts

3.) Learn to celebrate your efforts rather than your successes

Do this and you'll be guaranteeing ongoing, sustained motivation that will see you through whatever life throws at you. Motivation is happiness's fuel

Do you want to turn your life around? If so, then this Self-Coaching episode will help you recognize whether you have a fixed or growth mindset.

A fixed mindset is like having a bicycle with 10 gears, unfortunately if you have a fixed mindset, you’re only using the first gear. You’re afraid to experiment with the nine other gears, why? Because you’re just not sure you want to risk failure.  

If you happen to be clinging to that first bicycle gear your experience will be limited to peddling along level, easy roads; roads that are safe, manageable, boring, and limited. Whereas your friends with a growth mindset are saying, “Wow! Let’s see what these other gears can do, as they abandon the level road, trying different gears to tackle different terrain challenges.

You’re not a 10 sped bike, but if you suffer from a fixed mindset, you are limiting your ride through life. Sure, it takes a bit of courage to experiment with life’s other “gears”, but since we only live once, why not take the risk? Why go on holding yourself back with a fixed mindset? Why not try some of those other gears?

It’s been said that the distance between success and failure can only be measured by one's desire. And yet desire alone, if not coupled with action will remain simply a yearning. Are you yearning for what you want or are you moving toward what you want?

Everyone worries from time to time, but if you’re a worrier or even a worrywart, maybe preparing for the worst doesn’t sound so terrible to you. You may think it’s prudent if not smart. And I wouldn’t disagree if it weren’t for the compulsive, unrelenting worry-loop that gets generated by insecurity and anxiety.

In this Self-Coaching episode, Lauren and I discuss how there’s a big difference between worrying and being concerned. Concern deals with here-and-now facts, worry deals with emotional fictions, projections of future vulnerability.

When, because of insecurity and lack of self-trust, you feel you can’t handle some aspect of life, then worry is often an attempt to somehow—if not magically—find a way to figure out how to feel less vulnerable about something that hasn’t even happened. In a sense, you’re trying to worry away the fears. What’s the opposite of worry? Courage! Courage and a willingness to let life unfold dealing with each day as it presents itself. No doubt letting go of worrying may feel dangerous—it’s not dangerous at all. But don’t take our word for it—give it a shot and find out for yourself.

In life it’s critical to persevere through our dark struggles. It’s this perseverance that anticipates the light— the relief from darker emotions. Starting today, just as the dark nights are slowly beginning to yield to the ever brightening and lengthening days as we approach spring, begin to reverse your slide of anxiety, depression, and emotional struggle. Rather than passively accepting the status quo, actively begin to fight off that which holds you down. How? Thought by thought as you begin to replace pessimism with optimistic, hopelessness with hope, and powerlessness with empowerment.

Do keep in mind that perseverance if fueled by an attitude of hope. Hope requires a leap of faith. A hopeful attitude is nothing less than a tonic to a struggling life. Make the choice...be hopeful.

In this Self-Coaching Valentine’s Day episode, Lauren and I discuss the many aspects of love and loving. When Cupid’s arrow pierces our heart it sets in motion not only a powerful emotional reaction, but a biological process involving numerous feel-good, bonding chemicals including oxytocin, dopamine, and endogenous opioids–strong stuff!

Whether it’s physical love, platonic love, flirtation, or parental love, there’s no question that human beings are hard-wired to love. Join us as we explore the many facets of love, intimacy, passion, and commitment.

In this Self-Coaching episode, Lauren and I want you to Imagine that you’re on your patio trying to relax. You notice a cute little pigeon milling about, pecking and minding its own business. Innocently, you toss it a few crumbs from a leftover sandwich you'd been eating. The next day you go out to your patio and within minutes your little pigeon buddy reappears with a companion. Enthusiastically, you throw out a few more crumbs. By the end of the week, you're inundated with hundreds of pigeons leaving your once pristine patio a shamble of feathers, droppings, and a cacophony of cooing. You ask, "What should I do?” And to anyone witnessing your problem the answer is simple, "Stop feeding the pigeons!"

If you allow reflexive, knee-jerk, insecure thinking to flock into your life with needless worry, fear, or negativity, then you're feeding the pigeons of insecurity. And if you insist on feeding your insecurity, the distasteful truth is that you will suffer. From now on, keep the image of the pigeons in mind every time you find yourself spinning with insecurity-driven thinking, then remind yourself to, "Stop feeding the pigeon

When confronted with life's challenges there's a simple three-step, Self-Coaching strategy that will help:

1.) do the best you can

2.) never, ever, criticize your efforts

3.) learn to celebrate your efforts rather than your successes

Do this and you'll be guaranteeing ongoing, sustained motivation that will see you through whatever life throws at you. Motivation is happiness's fuel

A famous line from the comic strip Pogo reads, “We have seen the enemy and he is us.” If you’re at all concerned about whether you or someone you know may be too egotistical or narcissistic, this Self-Coaching episode can help. Lauren and I discuss the various shades of egoism and narcissism as it applies to relationships and everyday life.

Whether it’s the pursuit of happiness or simply living a more successful life, in this Self-Coaching episode, Lauren and I talk about strategies to maximize your chances of reaching your goals.

There’s a saying that goes: “If you aim at nothing, you’ll hit it every time.” The longer you do nothing about what you want out of life, the longer you will live with empty dreams. Wishful thinking can never replace purpose-driven action. A successful life doesn’t come looking for you; it must be sought, pursued // and embraced.

Understand that a big reason why you quit on your goals isn’t because it's too hard, too frustrating, or too complicated. You quit because you allow yourself to believe it's too hard, frustrating, or complicated.

The person who refuses to accept negativity is the person who will always triumph. Starting today, aim at something, risk believing in yourself, then pull the trigger of action.

It’s been said that if you refuse to accept anything but the best, you very often get it. This notion needs to be challenged. From a Self-Coaching perspective, the key to success and happiness isn’t striving for the best “outcome,” it’s recognizing the need to embrace your best “effort.”

A famous line from the comic strip Pogo was, “We have seen the enemy and he is us.” Take heart, because in life it is not adversity, hardship, or even bad luck that is our enemy—it is us! Insecurity, doubt, fear, and negativity are the enemy in us. Trust, confidence, hope, and optimism are the heroic in us. Which side you’re going to fight for!

The longer you ponder, scrutinize, and over-think your goals, the more likely you are to find excuses and begin to feel hesitant. Hesitation itself is just an excuse. When it comes to happy life, you're NOT excused! Do it!

One thing I’ve learned from my studies in neuroplasticity (i.e., how learning changes the anatomy of the brain) is that in order to change a brain-habit you must practice a new behavior (being happy, for example). And if you don't know how to be happy, simply act "as-if" you're happy. Do this for 15 minutes a day for 15 weeks. Give it a shot, you’ve got nothing to lose, except your unhappiness.

The thermometer read six degrees this morning, which got me reminiscing. I was recalling how playing in the snow with snowball-soaked gloves, numb fingers, and frozen toes were no obstacle to building snow forts and igloos. How was it that the cold of winter never interfered with those unforgettable times? Simple answer: it all has to do with focus. If you are passionately focused on what you’re doing, any discomfort becomes…well, irrelevant.

Sure, the discomfort is there, but if you’re not paying attention to it, the discomfort becomes neutralized. Whether it’s anxiety or depression, begin to recognize that focusing on your “discomfort” does one thing, it accentuates your suffering as you get caught in an endless loop of self-flagellation.

Starting today, give yourself a break. Rather than clinging to ruminative doubts, fears, and negative thoughts, practice ignoring them. Once you begin to break the neurotic loop, then, like my numb fingers and toes, nothing’s going to stop you from getting out there and throwing a few snowballs.

In this Self-Coaching podcast, Lauren and I discuss resiliency–your capacity to recover from difficult life events. Being resilient doesn’t mean you won’t experience difficulty or distress—you’ll never escape the pain of being human. But you can learn to be more resilient!

Resilience is like a muscle you can work at becoming more resilient. Start out by becoming more mindful, focus on doing something that occupies your mind and gives you a sense of accomplishment. You may have to force yourself at first, but remember, you’re building muscle—be patient! Most importantly, accept the changes—big or small—that have been thrust upon you. Don’t cling to what was or what should have been, let go of the past and begin cultivating a hopeful attitude that will serve you going forward. Healing takes time, be patient, give yourself time.

So before you focus on your biceps or belly fat, focus on training your brain with these five tips – and next year, you won't have to make a resolution:

1. Think small. Begin with small successes. Take a look at the habits that are holding you back in life. Find one that's simple, like, "When I finish this meal, I'm going to wash my dish." Make a contract with yourself that that dish must be washed. No ifs, ands or buts! Throughout the day, find simple challenges that you make happen. 

2. Build self-trust. Once you get used to making small things happen, begin to recognize and embrace the truth: What I say to myself is what I do. Remember, to cultivate a capacity for self-trust, you must succeed. In order to guarantee success, don't challenge yourself with a pledge that you're not sure you can handle. If, for example, you're not sure you'll stick with going to the gym five times a week, then don't promise yourself. Better to do the best you can than to fall short and wind up jeopardizing your growing capacity for believing in yourself. When it comes to building trust, it's better to lose the battle than the war. 

3. Invent challenges. Invent various challenges throughout the day to strengthen your ability to believe and to do. Don't allow yourself to procrastinate; make yourself finish your paperwork before turning on the TV; decide not to spend too much at the mall. These are all trust-muscle builders, and you should view them as you would an actual muscle. Just as you would do repetitions at the gym to develop a muscle, so too must you get your reps in each day. Like a muscle, the more you workout, the more your capacity for personal success will grow.

4. Cultivate optimism. No one's life is without negatives. The key is to train yourself to focus on the positives. Don't let insecurity suggest there are no positives. Positives may be eclipsed by a habit of pessimistic negativity, but keep looking: They're there. If you're a whiner or a complainer, make a determination to stop whining and complaining (to yourself and others). Pessimists are so used to being negative that they don't realize it's a habit. And they don't realize it's a choice.

5. Develop critical awareness. Living without self-awareness is like driving your car at night with the headlights off – technically, you can still drive, but you will eventually have a collision. With awareness, you shed light on your destructive, reflexive habits and thinking and on any self-sabotaging mind games at play. When it comes to self-sabotage, mindless capitulation to destructive impulses is your number one enemy.

In this Self-Coaching episode, Lauren and I address the importance of learning to become more patient. Think of patience as a muscle. The more you seek immediate gratification, the more your patience muscle atrophies. The opposite is equally true, the more you cultivate an attitude of patience, acceptance, and mindfulness, the more your patience muscle grows. With increased patience you feel more in control. Why? Because you’ve decided not to be a victim of that which you can’t control.

Accepting life, all of life, is a way of reducing friction. By resisting, stamping your feet and insisting, “I can’t wait!” “I need it now” the more you’re identifying with helplessness. You’re not helpless, the quality of your present moment is entirely in your hands. It’s up to you whether or not you ring your hands in anguish about something you’re waiting for or whether you’re enjoying the release and solace that comes from accepting that you can’t control fate.

Waiting is an inescapable part of life…how you wait is entirely up to you.

This past Monday was the winter solstice—the shortest period of daylight and the longest night of the year! From this point forward, we will be gaining almost an extra minute of sunlight each day. For this reason I call it the “hump” solstice, because we are over the hump; the darkness begins to yield to the light. In life, it’s critical to persevere through our dark struggles. It’s this perseverance that anticipates the light— the relief from darker emotions.

Starting today, just as the dark nights slowly begin to yield to the ever brightening and lengthening days, begin to reverse your slide of anxiety, depression, and emotional struggle. Rather than passively accepting the status quo, actively begin to fight off that which holds you down. How? Thought by thought as you begin to replace pessimism with optimistic, hopelessness with hope, and powerlessness with empowerment. Do this, and today will become your solstice.

“It’s too hard.” “I hate work.” Complainers usually do what they have to do, but they do it with grief and a great deal of grumbling. Why? Because they’re not fully committed. Complaining informs the world, “I’m miserable, feel sorry for me.” Complainers live a “one-foot-in-one-foot-out life, which always generates emotional friction. If you’re going to do something, do it with all your heart—or do nothing. Just stop whining!

Do you ever say, “Today’s not a good day”? Or, “I have to go to work”? Or, “I have to pay the bills”? Life sounds like drudgery, doesn’t it? Before you resign yourself to just “getting through” another day, recognize what you’re doing. For starters, you’re conceding that today won’t be an opportunity for anything worthwhile. We call this a self-fulfilling prophecy--what you tell yourself and what you believe are what you and your life become.

In this Self-Coaching episode you'll learn to stop prejudicing yourself with a short-sighted, pessimistic attitude. Instead, you can open yourself up to the awareness that every day—in spite of any whining—is an opportunity, an adventure. The truth is, you don’t know what may be around the next corner. It could be wonderful, not terrible. As the saying goes, when the pupil is ready, the teacher appears.

Alas, I know that the spectacular fall color of my ginkgo tree outside my window won't last, it will shed its brilliant yellow leaves and soon winter will prevail. If I anticipate a bare ginkgo tree with denuded, frozen branches, I grow sad.

No doubt winter will come, but if I stay in this glorious October moment, where there is no winter, only my brilliant yellow ginkgo tree, then I am living correctly. The past and the future are mental abstractions, there is only now.

Today, even though winter has arrived, go find your ginkgo.

In this Self-Coaching episode I offer practical, everyday suggestions for living a more effective life. Sometimes, even the most commonsense solutions to life struggles are buried in needless, superficial neurotic distractions. The suggestions in this podcast are meant to awaken in you a deeper understanding and perception of your true potential. By removing the clutter of insecurity-driven, reflexive doubts, fears, and negatives, you open yourself up for the life that awaits you.

Check out this podcast I did recently outlining how I came to develop my Self-Coaching program for eliminating emotional struggle

The only difference between a rainy day and a sunny day is that one is wet, the other isn't. The point is that everything in life just "is." Nature, life, sunny days and rainy days are neither good nor bad--they just are! It's we humans that determine good, bad, positive or negative. It's called perspective. It's never life that brings you to your knees, how you interpret life, your perspective, that does.

In this Self-Coaching episode, Lauren and I discuss the seven secrets to a successful, happier life. They are:-

-Embracing optimism

-Cultivating hope

-Practicing presence & mindfulness

-Finding the good in people

-Risking Self-trust

-Defining your personal morality

-Cultivating a sense of humor

Isn’t it time to risk believing in yourself, to stop dwelling in doubt, to manage your fears and worries, and never falling prey to negativity? Remember, it’s never too late to become what you might have been.

Seasonal Affective Depression (SAD), often referred to as "winter blues," is a relatively common form of depression. Although the specific cause is currently debated, lack of sunlight during the low-light months of winter seems appears to be a major factor. In fact, the latitude at which you live is an important variable. Symptoms vary from mild to severe and develop in late fall and clear up in early spring. Phototherapy (full-spectrum fluorescent light therapy) has been proven an effective treatment.

Self-Coaching can be very effective tool in minimizing the symptoms of SAD by actively minimizing the mindless negativity, moodiness, guilt, and inertia associated with this type of depression. As with any depression (or anxiety) if you allow doubt, fear, or negativity to go unchecked, you will exacerbate your struggles. Truth is, you have a lot more control over the “winter blues” than you realize. Victims are powerless--you are not powerless!

Our hectic, high pressure world seems to reward multi-taskers. There is, however, a downside to squeezing more and more into your day-to-day life. Multi-taskers are prone to inheriting a fractured, stressful, life.

Today, rather than doing your usual juggling, try doing less. Just keep in mind that whatever you do, do it with full attention, complete awareness, and a focused heart, you, may not accomplish every task, but you will have lived a less stressful, more fulfilling day. Sometimes, when it comes to happiness, less is often more.

In this Self-Coaching episode Lauren and I talk about improving your social/people skills. By injecting empathetic communication into your social exchanges you can learn to progress from small talk to real talk. Becoming a better communicator means learning to overcome emotional hesitation by developing your self-trust muscle. Self-trust begins with a willingness to risk connecting with others.

You can keep it simple at first, perhaps just a nod or smile as you pass someone on the street or at the office. Find out that the world doesn’t end if you open yourself up to others. So, stop holding your head down avoiding others, make yourself connect. Stop acting like you’re so vulnerable that you have to protect yourself from…from what? Be honest, what are you afraid of…embarrassment? Vulnerability? Stop running. Stop hiding. Start realizing that with practice your self-trust muscle grow, your confidence will grow, and your world will no longer be hijacked by insecurity. And what exactly is self-trust? It’s a willingness to risk believing in yourself. And does it work? Just ask Dr. Seuss: “Yes indeed, yes indeed! Ninety-eight and three-quarters percent guaranteed!”

It’s important to understand that certain antidepressants work better for some people and not others. It’s also not uncommon to try different medications during treatment. Some people may also require more than one medication to achieve optimal results. Working with your doctor, you can discuss the risks as well as benefits of antidepressant medication in order to optimize your treatment. It’s important to keep in mind that taking medication isn’t an exact science where one-size-fits-all. Although the prescribing of these medications is far from being haphazard, it is essentially a trial-and-error process to assess your unique requirements.

With moderate to severe intransigent depression, medication is often an essential adjunct to therapy, which is why I call medication a therapy facilitator. Studies have shown that with moderate to severe depression, therapy or medication alone are not as effective as the combining the two

When I was a kid growing up Catholic we weren’t allowed to eat meat on Friday’s, just fish. It was a sin. To this day, fish just don’t seem to taste as good on Fridays. I realize that habits are learned and habits can be broken, but habits that operate just under the radar can follow you through life.

Watch out for those subtle, reflexive habits that were once neurotically imprinted. For example, a faulty, historical perception that you’re not okay or you’ll never be happy. Challenge emotional fictions with here-and-now facts.

And if you happen to be eating meat this Friday, enjoy!

In this Self-Coaching episode, Lauren and I discuss living without regrets. A regret is looking back over your shoulder, lamenting what was. Why do we do it? One reason may be that we're punishing ourselves for not being perfect enough, good enough, smart enough, and so on. Letting go of the past—especially the regrettable past—requires the courage to insist that today’s challenges don’t become contaminated by yesterday’s regrets.

Next time you find yourself swimming with regret, take a breath and realize the golden opportunity to do things differently going forward. Sit yourself down and ask one question, how am I benefitting from the self-hatred that comes from coulda, woulda, shoulda thinking? Stop beating yourself up. Embrace your humanness—sometimes humans get it wrong. And remember, stumbling is not falling. If you’ve stumbled in the past, this episode will help you to simply bring yourself to the uncluttered present and get on with becoming the person you need to be.

I saw a tombstone the other day. On the stone was inscribed the years: 1920 – 1999. To me neither the birth (1920) nor the death (1999) mattered much. What mattered was the dash inscribed between these dates. You see, it’s the dash that represents the life that was once lived. It’s not important when you were born or when you die—only what you’re doing with your dash-years!

In this Self-Coaching episode, Lauren and I discuss how thoughts matter. Whether those thoughts emanate from active, passive, or no-mind choices, it’s up to you to decide what serves you and what hurts you.

Learn how you can choose Active-Mind to actively reject insecurity-driven thinking (doubts, fears, and negatives). By learning techniques like the ABC method, active ignoring, or envisioning, you can STOP dancing with shabby, destructive thinking while reclaiming your serenity.

You’ll also learn how Passive-Mind leaves you at the mercy of reflexive, knee-jerk habits of insecurity…isn’t it time to empower yourself and climb out of the passivity of the back seat and get up front? Grabbing that old steering wheel, heading off in “your” direction—not the direction dictated by knee-jerk pessimism or ruminative insecurity.

One last technique, No-Mind, can shed light on how a meditative life can offer a go-to respite to life’s struggles. Whether it’s Active-Mind, Passive-Mind, or No-Mind, simply knowing the difference can make all the difference in the world—your inner world.

As we set our clocks back ending daylight savings time, all I hear from patients, friends, and family, is a collective, “I hate how the days are getting shorter” “Can you believe it’s dark at six o’clock!” If you’re one of these “complainers,” please read on.

I’m not a complainer because I love astronomy—shorter days gives me more time to view the stars.

Think about it, life circumstances don’t dictate our mood, how we react and interpret these circumstances does. Bottom line: NEVER let yourself feel victimized by your circumstances, work to change your perspective and even a dark, nighttime sky can become a blessing.

Although one thought isn’t going to make a difference in your mental wellbeing, ruminative, negative thinking has a cumulative, mind-body effect (depleting you both emotionally as well as chemically) eventually contributing to anxiety or depression. You need to know that thoughts matter and there’s an emotional and physical price to pay for needless shabby thinking.

Recognize that "shabby" negative thinking is a choice of passivity (i.e., you sit back and allow your habits of insecurity to go on and on unimpeded). Instead, start to become a more active thinker, especially when you're feeling stressed and challenged. Choose to reject insecurity-driven thinking. Starting today, take responsibility--one thought at a time—STOP dancing with negativity.

When life feels like an endless struggle, when everything in you is telling you to give up and quit, it seems like you only have one ally—hope. And as valuable as hope maybe, in this Self-Coaching episode, Lauren and I discuss the fact that hope resides in a future expectation of relief and/or resolution. As important as it is to be hopeful about what’s ahead, it’s quite another thing to live that hope in the present.

By all means, cultivate a hopeful attitude, but do this in concert with a here-and-now determination to live your hope now–in the present. In this episode we discuss how to replace fear, doubt, or hopeless pessimism by harnessing what we call a ‘hopeful present.’ A hopeful present begins by learning to embrace your tenacity, resilience, and determination. Starting today, you can learn to live your hope.

As the saying goes, “We cannot direct the wind, but we can adjust the sails.” When challenged by the winds of adversity it makes no sense to waste time lamenting life’s difficult circumstances. Next time you’re frustrated by problems or setbacks, stop whining, make a few adjustments and then use that same wind to propel and motivate you forward.

After doing a wonderful podcast on the value of hope, I realized that I never pressed the record button on our Zoom session! In this Self-Coaching episode, Lauren and I attempt to recover from our faux pas.

(fyi: the lost podcast on hope will be resurrected for next week’s episode)

Depending on your age you might, as I did in my youth, see getting older as a curse. Whatever your age, you should know that age doesn't change you, not really. Of course, the body reacts differently to gravity and physical challenges become more common, but that’s to be expected, the mind, however, becomes more capable than ever before of soaring to new heights as we continue to consolidate and thrive from the many life lessons we’ve learned along the way—carpe vitae

When confronted with life's challenges there's a simple three-step, Self-Coaching strategy that will help:

1.) Do the best you can.

 2.) Never, ever, criticize your efforts.

3.) Learn to celebrate your efforts rather than your successes.

Do this and you'll be guaranteed sustained motivation that will see you through whatever life throws at you. 

In this Self-Coaching episode, Lauren and I discuss relationships—especially toxic relationships that chronically deflate us, frustrate us, and worse, depress us. Why in the world do we waste time on people who are toxic for us? You’ll find the answer in Self-Coaching’s technique called “Orbits.” Once you understand your relationship “orbits” you’ll never be disappointed by someone’s shabby behavior again. Never!

It’s important to keep in mind that not all friendships are equal. It’s time to spend more time on friends that you’re in synch with and less time with “quasi-friends” who typically wind up draining you. It’s better to be discriminate and have one or two close friends rather than many quasi-friends. It’s the quasi-friends who often leave you scratching your head asking, “Why do I put up with this nonsense?” But even with quasi-friends, as long as they are placed in their proper “orbit,” it’s possible to include them in your life without being negatively affected by them. Remember, “In life, we never lose friends, we only learn who the true ones are.

From a Self-Coaching perspective, a regret is looking back over your shoulder lamenting what was. Why do we do it? One reason may be that we're punishing ourselves for not being perfect enough, good enough, smart enough, etc. Letting go of the past—especially the regrettable past—requires the courage to insist that today’s challenges don’t become contaminated by yesterday’s regrets.

A famous line from the comic strip Pogo was, “We have seen the enemy and he is us.” Take heart, because in life it is not adversity, hardship, or even bad luck that is our enemy—it is us! Insecurity, doubt, fear, and negativity are the enemy in us. Trust, confidence, hope, and optimism are the heroic in us. Which side you’re going to fight for!

In this Self-Coaching episode, Lauren and I ask why we spend so much time procrastinating? One reason is because living effectively in the present requires responsible, here-and-now action. It’s a lot easier–and effortless–to imagine taking responsible action, later…or in a few minutes…or tomorrow. Truth is, there will never be a better “now” for purposeful action. In fact, there will never be anything other than “now.” When the future does come, it will only be your new “now.” Therefore, if not “now,” when?  

And do keep in mind that procrastination can become a habit and like any habit if you reinforce it with wimpy compliance, it will grow stronger. Just keep in mind that self-discipline is also a habit. The more you define your goals and stick with them, the stronger your self-discipline muscle becomes. So let me ask again, if not now, when?

“It’s too hard.” “I hate working out.” Whiners usually do what they set out to do, but they do it with grief and a great deal of complaining. Why? Because they’re not fully committed. One-foot-in-one-foot-out living will always generate friction. If you’re going to do something, do it with all your heart or do nothing. And for goodness sake, just stop whining!

When life challenges us with illness, injury, or setbacks, do you allow yourself to get setback? Defeated? If so, you must recognize that the seeds of courage are never sown on windless, sunny days; courage demands stormy weather to take root. According to Self-Coaching, adversity is your opportunity--use it, grow from it, find your mettle!

In order to be a victim, you must accept the faulty proposition that you are powerless. It's true that you may not have the power to prevent adverse circumstances from happening, but you do have the power to decide how these circumstances will impact your life. The first step in empowering yourself is to reject the myth that you are powerless

In this Self-Coaching episode, Lauren and I discuss how the days, weeks, and months just seem to slip by as we live a distracted, mindless life allowing ourselves to be pulled in all directions but our own. You can begin to learn how to slow down your life by taking a psychological “audit.” Asking yourself, how much time do I spend arguing? Pursuing money? Status? Impressing others? Worrying? And how much time do I spend fortifying and restoring my life each day?

Clearly, every life has its demands, you go to work, pay the bills, watch the kids—these are life’s ‘have-tos.’ But within every day, there are opportunities…opportunities to glimpse a sunset, interact with friends or loved ones, or simply taking the time for a deep breath reveling at being alive. Learning to live correctly is a process and in this episode, we explore the many techniques available for taking possession of your days—to actually slow down life itself as you get in synch with your real needs and potential.

Beginnings are easy. You start out with a flurry of motivation and enthusiasm as you launch yourself toward your goal. Unfortunately, in time you're faced with the day-to-day mundane task of sustaining your efforts.

Starting today, whatever your goal, easy or hard, it doesn't matter! Not as long as your focus is on your here-and-now efforts while embracing the notion that tomorrow will take care of itself. Only the "now" matters.

Do this while not permitting impatience to interrupt your focus and you will be ensuring the ongoing motivation necessary for success.

Have you ever been told that you’re too sensitive or that you think too much? How about, “let it go, it wasn’t that big of a deal.” If so, you may be a highly sensitive person. In this Self-Coaching episode, Lauren and I discuss sensitivity with an emphasis on those who tend to be overly, or hyper-sensitive.

Although sensitivity can be positive attribute contributing to a depth of feeling and experience, a highly sensitive person, on the other hand, is often prone to rumination and self-criticism, which can easily lead to feeling overwhelmed either in social situations or with life’s demands.

If you are an overly sensitive person, it’s time to initiate a bit of self-care, keeping in mind, that when it comes to feelings, it’s not a matter of eliminating your sensitivities, it’s a matter of managing them. Check out this week's podcast

Gotta love Dr. Seuss: “Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You." According to Self-Coaching, when it comes to defining your goals, don’t compare yourself to anyone else, simply bring out the best “you” possible. Do this and you maximize your inherent potential for ongoing success.

As much as we’d like to stay forever happy, alas, happiness is…ephemeral. Which is why you need to savor those precious moments where you are in synch with your world, where you are separate from your insecurities and anticipations. Although happiness can come and go, one thing is certain, the more you occupy yourself with living in the moment rather than in the abstract worrisome future or regrettable past, the more you can insist on being happy, if not all of the time, at least most of the time.

Whether it's eating healthfully, staying focused at work, watching the kids, exercising, or striving toward a goal, if part of you is living with one foot in the present experience and the other foot out, distracted with past or future concerns (especially worrisome doubts, fears or negatives), then the truth is, your life is being fractured.

Starting today, work to be more "present" in whatever you do. You'll need to step apart from congested thinking and focus on the world in front of you. This may take some practice, but if you work at it, you'll be rewarded with a life of connectedness and purpose.

The secret to a successful life is that it’s not a secret. According to Self-Coaching, risk believing in yourself, value yourself, be willing to endure discomfort in order to achieve, and never fall prey to negativity. Cultivate optimism, do not dwell in doubt, and manage your fears. Most importantly, trust that you will find you need.

There’s a German proverb that goes: begin to weave and God will give you the thread. From a more secular, Self-Coaching perspective, start to “weave,” (i.e., believe in yourself) and the threads of happiness will find you. Sounds a bit far-fetched? Well, not if you begin to risk trusting (self and life). Trust allows you to begin to liberate yourself from relying on insecurity’s need to over-control life. And when you loosen your grip on trying to control life, you begin to allow your instinctual, intuitive, responsive abilities to handle what comes your way in life. It’s the incessant, worrisome figuring and anticipating that bogs you down. For the insecure control-person, when it comes to discovering a liberated life, believing in yourself may feel risky at first…until you see the benefits, i.e., a happy life.

Ever heard of toxic positivity? Well, I never did either until Lauren told me about it this week. In this Self-Coaching episode, we define toxic positivity as the excessive and ineffective attempt(s) to gloss over someone’s struggle by offering such platitudes as, “chin up,” “things could be worse.” Although well intentioned, these cliches can often cause shame or guilt for a person stuck in their struggles who might be feeling stuck and unable to “chin-it-up.”

And don’t think these gems of optimism are reserved just for others, we often dismiss our own true feelings with Pollyanna, sugary thoughts as, ‘everything happens for a reason.’So why is this important? The reason it’s important to understand toxic positivity is because it often results in the denial, minimization, and invalidation of someone’s struggles. Instead of toxic positivity, Lauren and I discuss a better approach to dealing with the here-and-now struggles of those that we care about.

Patients are always telling me how “guilty” they feel about letting someone down, not returning a phone call, or simply not getting to the gym. What is this thing we call guilt?

From a Self-Coaching perspective, I define guilt as a feeling that you’ve done something wrong. Not getting to the gym, for example, is clearly not doing something wrong, but may leave you feeling guilty and distressed the whole day. So, why do we feel guilty?

The simple answer is that insecurity has introduced an element of self-distrust. This usually takes the form of a “should” statement. I “should” have gone to the gym, I should have made that phone call, and so on. But who says you “should?” If insecurity is insisting on you being a perfect person who does everything you’re “supposed to” do, then it’s inevitable that you will fail (i.e., feel guilty). Or go crazy trying to be perfect.

Next time you feel guilty, ask yourself an important question: “did I do anything wrong?” Be careful with your answer, because, for example, not calling your mother for a day may “feel” wrong, but that isn’t necessarily the objective truth. It’s up to you to separate yourself from your neurotic “shoulds” and “have tos” and insist on being more objective. Not calling your mother may be a result of being too busy, distracted, or preoccupied, but it is not wrong!

All too often guilt is a cheap shot perpetrated by insecurity. It’s a good thing to be responsible, but it’s a neurotic thing not to have a choice.

#guilt

In this second part of our Self-Coaching series on the psychology of relating in cyber space, Lauren and I continue our conversation, highlighting both the positive and negative aspects social media. There’s no question that social media is here to stay, as long as you have balance between real and cyber relationships and, as long as you’re willing to embrace moderation and mindfulness in your usage, social media can enhance and expand your universe. Just keep in mind that sometimes, when it comes to happiness and psychological well-being, less is often more.

Caterpillars are compelled to laboriously crawl through life, inch by inch. If caterpillars could feel, perhaps they would be quite depressed. How different the caterpillar's life would be If they could know about the liberated, butterfly life that lies ahead. How different your life will be if you live with optimistic expectations that one day you too will fly.

In this Self-Coaching podcast, Lauren and I discuss how our hectic, high-pressure world seems to lend itself to the escape, stimulation, and distraction of social media. There is, however, a downside to squeezing more and more cyber-stimulation into your day-to-day life. When round-the-clock, hyper-connectivity begins to become compulsive, if not addictive, it may be time to hit the pause button and clarify your intentions.

There’s no question that social media is here to stay, as long as you have balance between real and cyber relationships and as long as you’re willing to embrace moderation and mindfulness in your usage, social media can enhance and expand your universe. Nevertheless, it is important to keep in mind that sometimes, when it comes to happiness and psychological well-being, less is often more.

When it comes to happiness, optimists have many advantages. When it comes to happiness, pessimists have no advantages!      

If you aren't making any mistakes in life, you're either lying or your cautiousness is driving you crazy!

Being a gardener, I'll admit, when I see a dandelion's bright, yellow flower in my lawn, I can't wait to pluck the offending weed. And yet, what exactly is the difference between a weed and a flower? The difference is our perception. All things in life depend on our interpretation. Struggle, for example, can be seen as a curse or a cause to evolve. If stumbling teaches you to pay more attention to your path, can we say that stumbling was a bad thing? Embrace life, all life!

You can begin to start unlearning emotional struggle right now with my Mind Talk Step One & Two videosMind Talk is part of the overall Self-Coaching program found in my book, “Unlearning Anxiety & Depression: the 4-Step Self-Coaching program to reclaim your life."

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5bxoy3-AxRM&t=37s

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b7rmlKDH-zA&t=360s

Be honest, do you really want to turn your life around? If so, then do what you can today to stop indulging doubts, fears, and negative thinking. Do this with whatever means are at your disposal, no matter where you are in life and no matter how challenging the task. In other words, today is a perfect day to restart your life!

Recently, I’ve been struggling with trying convey to my patients the importance of “presence,” which is the “art” of staying in the present moment and not allowing insecurity to project worries into the future or past struggles to plague us. Well, last night I had a dream that seemed to offer a solution. In the dream I was sitting with a patient who was ruminating about a closet that was in disarray and how she just couldn’t get it organized. After letting her go on and on for a while, I interrupted her ruminations and asked her the question, “Where is the closet now?” She told me it was in her bedroom. I asked again, “Where is the closet now?” She was getting a bit agitated with my questions until I offered, “There is no closet in this room, just you and I. The closet with all the discomfort you’re inflicting, exists in “this room” only because you are visiting that closet in your mind!

We carry our insecurities like baggage, often ruining our best chance for having solace in the moment. Where is your closet?

In this Self-Coaching episode, Lauren and I discuss the many reasons why people have difficulty accepting gifts or acts of kindness. One overarching reason, driven by insecurity, is ‘over-thinking.’ “Why did she offer to take me?” “He’s just saying he likes me; I don’t buy it.” Another reason is low self-esteem—not feeling worthy. There are many expressions of this problem, including distrust, feeling out of control, fear of strings being attached, feeling awkward, and so on. Isn’t it time to stop allowing insecurity to call the shots?

Learning to say a simple, “Thank you,” can go a long way in liberating you from these needless life tensions. It’s all about learning acceptance by opening up your mind and heart.

Self-Coaching is a psychological approach to life designed to teach you to overcome emotional struggle by developing your self-trust muscle. And what is self-trust? It’s the willingness to risk believing in yourself. And does it work? Just ask Dr. Seuss: “Yes indeed, yes indeed! Ninety-eight and three-quarters percent guaranteed!”

In this Self-Coaching episode, Lauren and I discuss how to neutralize negative imprints from the past. Obviously, not all historical imprints are negative, but some are. It’s time to learn to neutralize those reflexive imprints that don’t serve us. How? One-by-one, neuron by neuron, brain circuit by circuit. Yes, you can begin to neutralize these troublesome imprints and habits by training yourself to live according to life’s here and now facts rather than historical, knee-jerk contamination.

It’s time to become more aware of your reflexive beliefs and reactions to life. Time to decide what serves you and what hurts you. Do this and you will be actively starting a process of reprogramming your brain to go from struggle to solace, from past contamination to present living.

My grandmother used to say, "You can’t stop a bird from flying into your hair, but you don’t have to help it build a nest." When it comes to doubt, fear, or negative worrying, you may not be able to stop the first thought from percolating up into your mind, but you sure as hell can stop yourself from dancing with a second, third, or fourth thought. Stay mentally disciplined--you won't regret it!

Check out my Youtube version of how to employ this technique

Let’s face it, if weren't for sickness you wouldn't value health. If it weren't for evil you wouldn't understand the value what is good. If you never worked, free time wouldn’t be as valuable? And if it weren’t for cloudy, stormy days, you might take sunshine for granted? To live a full life of appreciation and perspective, you must embrace all of life.

Whether it’s losing weight, a fitness goal, or working on your self-esteem, ever wonder why some wind up quitting while others go on to succeed? Of course, there are many reasons why people don’t succeed, but none more impactful than a loss of confidence. Once you align yourself with pessimism, defeat isn’t far off. Embracing optimism on the other hand…

When it comes to putting our needs ahead of others we often wind up feeling that we're being selfish. If doing something restorative, like going for a walk, taking a yoga class or simply taking a time out, leaves you with a case of the "guilts," then it's time to realize that there needs to be a new word to describe healthy, restorative care of ourselves. The word selfish is typically used to describe egocentric, narcissistic striving, but what's a word for healthy selfishness? The best Self-Coaching word I can come up with is self-respect.

#guilt

I love George Carlin's quote: "If you try to fail and succeed, which have you done?" If you sabotage your efforts with doubt, fear or negativity you will, unfortunately, succeed at failing.

In this Self-Coaching episode, Lauren and I discuss emotional triggers. Triggers are any word, person, event, or experience that “triggers” an immediate emotional reaction. Although triggers can be positive reactions to a stimulus, our focus in this episode will be on our negative, knee-jerk reactions that we often come to regret.

We’ve all experienced being “triggered” or as they say, having our buttons pushed. Although triggers are reflexive, non-thinking reactions, that doesn’t mean you have to be victimized by them. Not once you learn to detach, re-center, and focus on various coping strategies. With a bit of hindsight, you can learn to become more aware of the signs in your body that you’re reacting to a trigger, allowing you to become less susceptible to being emotionally manipulated. Like any other habit, if triggers are inadvertently reinforced, they will persist, but, as you’ll learn from this podcast, with a bit of understanding and practice, even knee-jerk triggers and be neutralized.

Some excuse themselves from life's challenges by believing they "can't" succeed. Others simply bury their heads in the sands of denial. Truth is, most unsuccessful people don't want to tolerate the discomfort inherent in change. Remember the words of Yoda, “Do or do not...,” everything else is simply an excuse.

According to the proverb, “Stumbling is not falling.” As you strive each day to reach your goals, keep in mind it’s unlikely that you won’t stumble on the way. Don’t let setbacks, miscues, or delays derail your efforts. And even if you do happen to fall now and then, there’s another worthwhile proverb, “Seven times down, eight times up.”

How do you handle being stuck in traffic, a slow line at the grocery store, or a slow Internet connection? Are you too impatient? Low frustration tolerance? If so, it’s time to stop torturing yourself when trying to handle life’s inevitable bouts of impatience. Only you can decide if the cost of being patient is worth it, but if it’s worth it, then join Lauren and I in this Self-Coaching episode and learn to begin taming your impatience rather than being victimized by it.

From a Self-Coaching perspective, a happier, satisfying life depends on a willingness to risk believing that you can handle life’s challenges. That doesn’t sound so difficult or complicated, right? It may sound simple, but if I were to tell you to go ahead and stop worrying about your finances, ruminating about the fact that you’re getting older, or that your headache isn’t brain cancer, do you think you can simply stop? Probably not.

The solution is to just imagine allowing life to unfold without trying to anticipate or control it, with the conviction that you can and will handle what comes your way. Hard to even imagine such an unburdened life, huh? If so, recognize that self-trust is an acquired habit. Starting today, start taking the risk that, regardless of any emotional sabotage, you really, really can handle life. After all, you’ve made it this far, what’s to say you won’t handle today or tomorrow’s challenges? Stop allowing insecurity to tell you what you can and can’t handle…take the risk, believe in yourself.

Whether it’s your bedtime ritual each night, your shower in the morning, or brushing your teeth, we all have repetitive habits that we might loosely call “compulsive.” These habits simply make our world feel more in sync—in control. Just try to skip taking that shower or not brushing your teeth and see if you find yourself fidgeting a bit. We are, after all, creatures of habit. Unfortunately, our inherent nature to form habits is indiscriminate, habits can be positive contributors to our lives or they can be the fuel for anxiety or depression.

For our purpose of Self-Coaching, what’s important is to differentiate normal from neurotic compulsive behavior. You do this by asking what’s driving your behavior. When your bedtime ritual, shower, jog, or brushing your teeth are driven by positive desire and a sense of wellbeing, that’s healthy, and that’s normal. But when compulsivity is driven by insecurity, then the driving force isn’t positive, it’s destructive. Insecurity, that which leaves us feeling vulnerable and helpless, looks to gain control by ritualistically repeating any behavior that quells the gnawing discomfort within. Many addictions and destructive habits fall into this category, however, there is a lot of gray. At the very least, try to differentiate the “have-tos” in your life from the “want-tos.”

#compulsivity #ocd

Okay, so you’re offended, you’re angry, your feelings are hurt, maybe it’s time to forgive. Why? Because resentment and anger are poisons that you take. It’s like carrying a packpack with a 20 pound weight on your back. Why not simply let it go? One reason is because on some neurotic level, you’re wanting to retaliate by “hating” or holding a grudge toward the offending person. Or maybe you’re tying to teach them a lesson by being angry, whatever the reason, remember, you’re the one carrying the 20 pounds on your back, not the other person; you become your own victim.

You deserve better and in this Self-Coaching episode, Lauren and I discuss how, by practicing forgiveness, you can learn to drop the 20 pound backpack–letting go of your own poison. Forgiveness isn’t necessarily forgetting or excusing the offending person, it’s simply letting go and releasing your own toxic feelings and moving on with your life.

I was working with a patient recently who lamented, "Nothing I do matters." What about you? Do you feel like your days are a meaningless shuffle without merit or purpose? There's a wonderful Zen adage that sums up the essence and simplicity of life: chop wood, carry water. According to Self-Coaching, finding serenity, happiness and meaning in your life doesn't have to be complicated, not if whatever you do, you just do it with your full attention and your full heart. Do this and you'll never need to ask, "What's the meaning of life?"

Ever hear the expression that, “Some of us are like wheelbarrows, only useful when pushed and easily upset.” If you’re waiting to be pushed by someone else, by outside circumstances, or when you luck turns—you’re a wheelbarrow!

When I was a kid growing up Catholic we weren’t allowed to eat fish on Friday’s. It was a sin. To this day, fish just don’t seem to taste as good on Fridays. I realize that habits are learned and habits can be broken, but habits that operate just under the radar can follow you through life.

Watch out for those subtle, reflexive habits that were once neurotically imprinted. For example, a faulty, historical perception that you’re not okay or you’ll never be happy. Challenge emotional fictions with here-and-now facts.

And if you happen to be eating fish this Friday, enjoy!

Be honest, do you really want to turn your life around? If so, then do what you can today to stop indulging doubts, fears, and negative thinking. Do this with whatever means are at your disposal, no matter where you are in life and no matter how challenging the task. In other words, today is a perfect day to restart your life

Check out this week's Self-Coaching Podcast

In this Self-Coaching episode Lauren and I discuss ways to expand your life beyond your “comfort zone.” There’s a saying that goes, ‘If you aim at nothing, you’ll hit it every time.’ The longer you do nothing about what you want out of life, the longer you will live with empty dreams. There’s no doubt that wishful thinking can ever replace purpose-driven determination and action.

A successful life doesn’t come looking for you, it must be sought, pursued and embraced. This episode will help you find something to aim at, while understanding the hesitations and self-doubt that may be holding you back from a more expansive life potential that exists. Is it time to expand your horizons?

"Today's not a good day"? "I have to go to work." I have to do the bills." Before you resign yourself to just "getting through" another day, recognize what you're doing. For starters, you're conceding that today won't be an opportunity for anything worthwhile. We call this a self-fulfilling prophecy, i.e., what you tell yourself and what you believe, is what you and your life become. Stop prejudicing yourself with a short-sighted, pessimistic attitude. Instead, open yourself up to the awareness that every day--in spite of your whining--is an opportunity, an adventure, and the truth is, you don't know what may be around the next corner. As the saying goes, when the pupil is ready, the teacher appears."

Weather forecasting is a metaphor for our current lives. When I was growing up, you rolled out of bed only to be surprised by a rainy or sunny day, now, at least as far as our ten-day weather forecasting is concerned, there are no surprises.Like the weather forecast, we’ve come to abhor surprises. We tell ourselves that being prepared (a.k.a., worrying) is essential and that not worrying (god forbid) is a much too risky.

Okay, I can see where knowing what’s coming before it comes can sound appealing, but there is a trade-off, it’s called spontaneity.

Living your life in the future—regardless of the accuracy of your predictions—is, and will always be, at the expense of living your life in the moment—spontaneously. And when it comes happiness, serenity, and well-being, where do you think you have a better chance—living your life today or ten days from now?

In this Self-Coaching episode, Lauren and I discuss various strategies for managing fear. Fear is an instinctual response to danger (real or imagined). When the danger is real, like with COVID, fear mobilizes our resources to protect us from harm. And this is a good thing. When fear is associated with insecurity, however, then we wind up protecting ourselves, not from actual danger, but from fear itself (the “what-ifs”). When this happens, fear can easily morph into anxiety.

How do you tell the difference? Fear that has been cannibalized by insecurity is primarily a projection of the what-ifs, “What if I get sick?” “What if I lose my job?” Although seemingly reasonable, “what-if,” insecurity-driven fear deals with an uncertain future. Since the future doesn’t exist, these fears should be thought of as projections of our insecurity. Join us as we discuss various Self-Coaching approaches that can go a long way toward managing and eliminating everyday fears and related anxieties.

Mythologist, Joseph Campbell wrote: "We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us." All too often we tend to "over-steer" our lives, worrying, anticipating, micro-managing, trying desperately to control what's ahead. If you really want to find solace, happiness, and psychological well-being, try a bit of Self-Coaching advice and loosen your grip on life's steering wheel…simply take a self-trust leap and let things unfold, naturally and spontaneously. It may feel risky at first, but it’s not risky at all.

Most people experience social fears and anxieties from time to time. And for most people these fears are mild and short-lived. But for someone suffering from a Social Anxiety Disorder, the fears and anxiety are anything but mild or transient. Simple things like eating or drinking in public, making eye contact while talking, or using a public bathroom can all become insurmountable challenges.

From a Self-Coaching perspective, a habit-loop of insecurity has created a profound state of self-distrust and loss of confidence. This distrust is so pervasive that one is forced to constantly monitor every action, always trying to access the social dangers of the moment. Everyday life can become a living hell as someone with social anxieties tries to navigate in a world where they feel constantly in the spotlight, where every act is scrutinized and judged by others.Typical symptoms associated with Social Anxiety Disorder are:● Anxiety about being exposed to possible scrutiny or judgment by others● Anxiety that you will act in a way that will be humiliating or embarrassing● Anxiety in most social situations ● Attempting to avoid social situations, but if endured, creating intense stress and anxiety● Persistence of social fears, avoidance, and anxiety

#socialanxiety #selfcoaching

One of the most important gifts of a long life is being able to see things more clearly. It’s called perspective, the ability to see what really matters. When I was younger, I suspect like most, I chased many a rainbow, never realizing how ephemeral rainbows can be. Now, rather than wasting time, I’m digesting time. My guess is that a truly meaningful life is discovering what matters—what really matters. I heard it said the other day that it’s the reason you don’t see a Brink’s truck following a hearse to the cemetery. Make today matter.

How much of a role do genes determine your personality? Your happiness? Can we actually change who we are? In this Self-Coaching podcast, Lauren and I discuss how to “reinvent” yourself into the person you want to be and the person you deserve to be. There’s a line from a poem that goes, “Stone wall do not a prison make, nor iron bars a gage.” Sure, there are genetic predispositions, but there’s a lot of wiggle room as to what exactly can and can’t be changed in your life. It’s not walls, iron bars, or genetics that imprison us…it’s our thoughts, perceptions, and faulty beliefs.

You may have a genetic tendency towards certain traits, but your life is NOT predetermined! Starting today with this podcast, learn to abandon your fixed-mindset by replacing it with a growth-mindset. What you believe is what you become. And don’t let anyone tell you differently.

Mark Twain once wrote, " Do not put off until tomorrow what can be put off till day-after-tomorrow just as well." What exactly is procrastination? From a Self-Coaching perspective, procrastination is often a face-saving ploy--it's hard to admit that you have no will power. And sometimes procrastination is nothing more than conceding to laziness without taking responsibility for it. Procrastination is a choice, a choice the weakens your self-trust muscle.

Neurotic, a favorite word of psychologists, is a term that can lead to some confusion. From a Self-Coaching perspective neurotic worry-anxiety is based on insecurity-driven, emotional “fictions” rather than on objective facts. ● Neurotic worry-anxiety is exaggerated, ruminative, and disproportionate to a real or imagined threat (the “what-ifs,” etc.). ● “Normal,” non-insecurity driven worry-anxiety is a proportionate reaction to a factual threat (impending surgery, loss of a job, upcoming blizzard, etc.).

#worry #neuroticworry #selfcoaching

Do you waste much time thinking about what you should have done, might have done, or are going to do? To live a more contented, happy life, rather than wasting more time sulking about the coulda, woulda, shoulda's of your life, start to recognize that the problem is your perception that gets you in trouble—the perception that you should be doing something else. If you live in the present moment, investing all your attention and heart, then, regardless of the task at hand, you will never waste another moment wondering if you coulda, woulda, shoulda done things differently.  

Don’t ever make the mistake of thinking that your genetics or your environment are keeping you from your goals. Sure, you may have a genetic tendency towards certain traits, but your life is NOT predetermined! Starting today, rather than a fixed-mindset, embrace a growth-mindset. What you believe is what you become. And don’t let anyone tell you differently!

#happiness #selfcoaching

One thing I’ve learned from my studies in neuroplasticity (i.e., how learning changes the anatomy of the brain) is that in order to change a brain-habit you must practice the new behavior (for example,  being happy). And if you don't know how to be happy, simply act "as-if" you're happy. Do this for 15 minutes a day for 15 weeks. Give it a shot, you’ve got nothing to lose, except your unhappiness.

#happyness #happyhabit #selfcoaching

Who and what you are today will determine who and what you are tomorrow. Saying this differently, you are living your future today.

According to my Self-Coaching calculations, today you have been gifted with 1,440 minutes. Will you take at least one of these minutes to be thankful for the 1,439 minutes of opportunity that await you?

I woke up early this morning and mindlessly tore off May 11th on our kitchen calendar revealing that today is May 12th, 2021. It got me thinking. Only for today, and never again, will I be able to say that today is May 12th, 2021. Silly, but there was something disquieting about that revelation...a kind of sad recognition of the fleeting nature of time.

Perhaps you don’t need a calendar to remind you, but then again, maybe we all need to remind ourselves how very precious each day is. Maybe this is why the poets love flowers, because they are irreplaceable, of the moment, and never to bloom again. I shall do my very best to appreciate today, May 12, 2021, how about you?

Inactivity, procrastination, laziness, ever wonder why you try to anesthetize yourself from life as if you're trying to avoid something painful? Never doubt that the greatest pain is the realization of a life half-lived.

STEP ONE: Decide what you want out of life.

STEP TWO: Rid your mind of doubts, fears, and negative thinking.

STEP THREE: There is no step three. The life you want and the life you deserve is a two step process!

True happiness is an incorruptible attitude that exists independent of life’s circumstances. Living a fulfilled, happy life isn’t something you wish for--it’s something you choose! Starting today, regardless of what goes on around you, recognize that you and you alone make the decision as to what kind of day it will be. You’re in charge, BE in charge!

What stops you from achieving your goals? What exactly is the resistance that keeps us from taking charge of our lives and realizing our intentions? As complex and multifaceted as the answer to this query may be, one way or another it all boils down to self-discipline. And from a Self-Coaching perspective, what's self-discipline? It's the ability to willfully endure the transient discomfort of changing who and what you are. You're not born with self-discipline, it's acquired. Like a muscle, you need to develop your self-discipline muscle, one challenge at a time.

#successinlife #selfdiscipline #selfcoaching

Some people will mercilessly label themselves as “failure,” “loser,” “weakling,” “having no luck,” and so on. Unfortunately, we wind up identifying with these labels and they become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Whenever you label yourself as, for example, a “failure” or “loser,” you tend to embrace this as if it’s a life sentence. It’s not! Your current “self-snapshot” has nothing to do with your future—unless of course you’re determined to bury your head in the sands of doubt, fear, and negativity, and retreat from the potential success that’s at your fingertips. According to Self-Coaching, what you tell yourself and what you believe, is what you become.

See if you can resist the temptation of over-thinking your life today and instead, allow the day unfold, naturally and spontaneously. Be reactive rather than proactive. You might be surprised how effortless life can become. The late mythologist Joseph Campbell once said that we must be willing to relinquish the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us. Lose the self-doubt, be courageous to let go of your chronic fears, and by all means recognize that negativity is a habit that you don't have to indulge...do this and you'll find the life that's waiting for you.

#overthinking #selfcoaching

There’s no doubt that we humans are hardwired to adapt to life’s ever-changing challenges. Clearly, COVID 19 has demanded that we adapt to a new, more restricted way of life. Some have struggled, some have whined, but somehow, we’ve all made it through last year. How about you? Did you resist the inevitable restrictions and demands? How about now, are you adapting to this seemingly transitional period where it’s a kind of one-foot-in, one-foot-out experience of “almost” getting back to some semblance of normalcy?

In this Self-Coaching episode, Lauren and I discuss the dynamics of why some people are more “adaptable,” while others resist, becoming overly cautious, pessimistic, or hesitant to change. Whether or not you are adaptable or not, join us to explore what can be done to enhance your ability and willingness to change, adapt, and transcend, not only this pandemic, but any and all of life’s inevitable and ongoing challenges.

Your brain only does what it is programmed to do. So, don’t blame your brain for your emotional struggles; blame the faulty programming that results from insecurity’s insistence that you need to over-control life. And make no mistake, insecurity relies on the passivity of your conscious mind to remain viable. Neuron by neuron, circuit by circuit, when you turn away from passivity and begin to use what I call “active-mind” to train yourself to live according to life’s facts rather than emotional fictions, you are literally beginning the process of reprogramming your brain to go from struggle to solace.

Self-Coaching advice: if you're a mouse, beware of the free cheese. If you're a person, beware of life's free lunches: money, power, status. Don't loose sight of what really servers you and what really will hurt you.

Be honest, do you really want to turn your life around?  If so, then do what you can today to stop indulging doubts, fears, and negative thinking. Do this with whatever means are at your disposal, no matter where you are in life and no matter how challenging the task.  In other words, today is a perfect day to restart your life!

 Yes you can!

Change ain’t easy

From a Self-Coaching perspective, change and discomfort are often inseparable. To fly, a bird must leave the comfort of its nest, the butterfly must writhe until it sheds its cocoon. To progress to life’s next step, whether it’s liberating yourself from neurotic thinking, becoming more productive, or learning self-trust, you too must evolve, change, and yes, you too must be willing to endure some discomfort along the way. Starting today, whatever it takes, begin your personal evolution. Make this your mantra, “whatever it takes!” For those who insist on avoiding the responsibility and tenacity necessary to change…they will never fly.

#change #selfcoaching

Bumble bees are not supposed to fly. Their body weighs too much and their wingspan is too short. Thank goodness the bumble bee doesn't know these facts. Self-Coaching asks: what are the supposed "facts" that are holding you back?

In today’s podcast, Lauren and I discuss the fact that true happiness is an incorruptible attitude that exists independent of life’s circumstances. Whether the impediment to your happiness is caused by insecurity, life circumstances, or a faulty perspective, according to Self-Coaching, living a fulfilled, happy life isn’t something you wish for—it’s something you can learn to choose. Regardless of what’s going on around you, we suggest strategies that you can begin to employ today, enabling you to tap into your true potential for the happiness you want and the happiness you deserve.

1.) It's user friendly. Self-Coaching from its very inception was designed to minimize the dependency of a patient on his or her therapist.

2.) The concepts make common sense. You don't need a Ph.D. to understand what's going on and what you need to do to progress.

3.) By treating anxiety, depression, and emotional struggle as habits, you eliminate the need for endless interpretations. You learn what you're doing that feeds these habits and what you can do to starve them.

4.) By learning specific exercises that require active practice, you actually restructure your brain. Old brain-habits are neutralized (unlearned), and new positive habits are established.

It’s important to understand that certain antidepressants work better for some people and not others. It’s also not uncommon to try different medications during treatment. Some people may also require more than one medication to achieve optimal results. Working with your doctor, you can discuss the risks as well as benefits of antidepressant medication in order to optimize your treatment. It’s important to keep in mind that taking medication isn’t an exact science where one-size-fits-all.

Although the prescribing of these medications is far from being haphazard, it is essentially a trial-and-error process to assess your unique requirements. With moderate to severe intransigent depression, medication is often an essential adjunct to therapy, which is why I call medication a therapy facilitator. Studies have shown that with moderate to severe depression, therapy or medication alone are not as effective as the combining the two

#anxietymedication #depressionmedication #selfcoaching

Every challenge, no matter how small, is an opportunity to grow in self respect, confidence, and self-trust. Every setback, no matter how significant, is an opportunity to grow in self-respect, confidence and self-trust. In the grand scheme life, there should be no regrets, only appreciation for the opportunities to grow toward your full potential.

#selfcoaching #regrets #selfconfidence

There are several differences between general anxiety disorder (GAD) and what we might call “normal” worry-anxiety. First, those with GAD suffer from excessive worrying that typically interferes with everyday life functioning, while those dealing with normal worry-anxiety would not classify their anxieties as “excessive,” and might even perceive their worries as manageable since they are able to step apart from these worries when required to function with day-to-day demands. Second, the worrying of those with GAD can occur without precipitant (i.e., a stressful, challenging circumstance), the quality of the worrying is more ruminative and distressing and will persist for a longer duration than normal worry-anxiety, and the range of worry-thoughts is less connected to a given circumstance and more diffuse in nature (finances, health, terrorism, etc.) Third, those with GAD are more likely to report physical symptoms resulting from their constant worrying and related difficulties with their jobs, relationships, and other significant life demands.General anxiety disorder is characterized by the following symptoms: ● Excessive worry and anxiety ● Fatigue ● Feeling irritable, testy, or grouchy much of the time ● Feeling restless, keyed up, or edgy ● Difficulty concentrating or forgetting ● Muscle tension ● Sleep difficulties (difficulty falling or staying asleep, restless, non-restorative sleep)

With the vaccine rollouts and warmer days ahead, for the first time, there may be a legitimate light at the end of this long, long tunnel. Great news! But as encouraging as this news may be, we must now prepare ourselves to enter a familiar yet changed world..In this Self-Coaching episode, Lauren and I discuss how this is the time to begin to fortify ourselves and our psyches for what’s ahead in a post-virus world. Although paradoxical, it’s not unusual that, as things continue to improve, we may actually see an uptick in our level of emotional distress. Why? Because for the last year we’ve been in a kind of automatic survival mode — less thinking, more protecting. It’s as if we’ve been holding our breath under water and are finally able to reach the surface and gasp a breath, only to realize how close we came to drowning. But as we start to catch our collective breaths, we’ll begin to feel the toll our stress has taken, and how depleted we are, mentally as well as physically.Realize that as the intensity and stress of these past few months begin to flatten along with that damn curve (!), your emotions may lag behind. This is normal and should be expected. Don’t think that your psyche hasn’t been affected by what you’ve gone through — it has!

You can begin right now to restore and replenish a healthy self-esteem and self-confidence. It all begins with a simple truth: there's nothing wrong with you! Never was! You may reflexively balk at this statement especially if insecurity has been calling the shots, but it happens to be irrefutable.

When you put yourself down, diminish your self-worth, or adhere to pessimism, you violate you! Stop doing it! Granted, at this point you may not be able to flip from black to white and gush with self-love (although that would be nice), but at the very least, you can start to neutralize your negativity.

—————Beyond current dissatisfactions and superficial perceptions, there is a you who happens to be inviolate. The word inviolate, from the Latin, inviolatus, describes something so sacred or pure that it must not be violated.

#selfesteem #selfconfidence #selfcoaching

Some excuse themselves from life's challenges by believing they "can't" succeed. Others simply bury their heads in the sands of denial. Truth is, most unsuccessful people don't want to tolerate the discomfort inherent in change. Remember the words of Yoda, “Do or do not...,” everything else is simply an excuse.

#insecurity #fearoffailure #selfcoaching

The secret to a successful life is that it’s not a secret. Risk believing in yourself, value yourself, be willing to endure discomfort in order to achieve, and never fall prey to negativity. Cultivate optimism, do not dwell in doubt, and manage your fears. Most importantly, trust that you will find you need.

#success #successsecret #optimism

Patients complain about swirling, ruminative, worry-thoughts that haunt them preventing restful sleep and causing anxiety. Chet Raymo, one of my favorite authors, writes: “The night is the beginning of terror, as every child knows. Who is not afraid of the dark? The gods are creatures of daylight. The gods work nine to five. At night we are on our own.”

Perhaps this is the answer. At night, “we are on our own,” meaning that at night we are without our daytime world of distractions. When everything quiets down in the external, world and we are left with what’s underneath, that which is unsettled and frightening. These are the unresolved doubts, fears, and negatives that percolate up at night. These are the things that make us feel out of control. Relationship discord, a medical issue, or fear of losing a job, these are the demons of the night. Perhaps the best we can do, as the dawn arrives, is to recognize that these issues need to be addressed and not left buried for tomorrow night’s anxieties.

#fears #nightmares #nightterrors

No one grows up in a perfect world, everyone suffers loss, illness, separations, and so on—to some degree, insecurity is an inevitable, inescapable part of life. Insecurity—the excessive fear of vulnerability—acts as mental friction creating hesitations and doubts. From a Self-Coaching perspective, it’s insecurity that feeds the “habits” of anxiety, depression, and all emotional struggle. Security, on the other hand, is a relative term. Rather than seeing it as something you achieve; see it as an ongoing muscle-building process of living your life courageously (i.e., not yielding to insecurity's doubt, fear, and negativity). Rather than allowing insecurity to insist on trying to over-control life, be willing to take a leap of faith and risk trusting—self and life.

The reason why an anxious person gets caught up negative, ruminative, worrisome thinking is simply because they're trying too hard to “figure out” how to handle the endless doubts, fears, and negative anticipations. I call this "over-thinking." Over-thinking is a manifestation of insecurity and only fuels the problem, making you more and more anxious. The key isn’t trying harder; it’s learning not to try!

Try this experiment. Begin by “de-focusing” your thoughts and re-focusing on your unfolding moment--whatever you're doing--listen, feel, see, breath, but DON’T think or judge, simply participate with full attention. Pretend that you're a video camera, simply recording every external nuance and detail in your environment. This simple exercise will help you begin to detach from (and break the cycle of) ruminative anxiety (a.k.a., over-thinking). Do this and you'll be teaching yourself something very important, i.e., anxiety -over-thinking is worrying about future events, liberation and solace is learning to be "present."

#overthinking #rumination #selfcoaching

1.) It's user friendly. Self-Coaching from its very inception was designed to minimize the dependency of a patient on his or her therapist.2.) The concepts make common sense. You don't need a Ph.D. to understand what's going on and what you need to do to progress.3.) By treating anxiety, depression, and emotional struggle as habits, you eliminate the need for endless interpretations. You learn what you're doing that feeds these habits and what you can do to starve them.4.) By learning specific exercises that require active practice, you actually restructure your brain. Old brain-habits are neutralized (unlearned), and new positive habits are established.

And now, two words that will change your life:

5.) Insecurity and Control. Once you understand that insecurity is the source of your suffering and trying to compensate by controlling life is your neurotic remedy, you will begin to see that anxiety, depression, worry, compulsion, phobias, and even addictions are all feeble attempts to ward off vulnerability in a world where self-trust, confidence, and hope have been compromised.

#unlearningdepression #unlearninganxiety #selfcoaching

All too often we tend to "over-steer" our lives, worrying, anticipating, micro-managing, trying desperately to control what's ahead. If you really want to find solace, happiness, and psychological well being, try loosening your grip on life's steering wheel and let things unfold, naturally, spontaneously. Mythologist, Joseph Campbell said it best: "We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us." As the AA adage goes, "Let go, let god."

From a Self-Coaching perspective, if you suffer from emotional struggle, it's probably because you’re trying to over-control life, which is an attempt, although misguided, to protect you from perceived vulnerability. Controlling life isn't the answer, it's the problem. Here are 15 reasons why?

1.) Yes, buts.

"Yes, I didn’t get the job finished, but I couldn’t help getting sick.." A yes-but strategy allows you to side-step accountability by first feigning responsibility and then qualifying it with a "but."

2.) Have-tos.

“I have to be the best." Have-tos are compulsive strategies designed to help you control yourself, others and life.

3.)  Worrying or "what-iffing."

 "What if I fail?" Worry is an attempt to eliminate doubt by trying to know what's coming before it arrives.

4.) Can’ts.

"I can't relax." When you say, "I can't..." you're giving up and excusing yourself in order to feel less out of control.

5.) Guilts.

 "I have to go, she’ll be mad if I don't." Guilt is a powerful emotion that tries to help you avoid impulsivity and feeling that you did something wrong.

6.)  Black & White thinking.

Black-and-white thinking is all-or-none thinking. If you can convince yourself that something is either black or white, you're done. Case closed. No more discussion. In control.

7.) Doubts.

"Maybe I shouldn’t call her? Maybe she'll be mad at me?" Doubts act as a brake trying to postpone, avoid, or somehow protect you from perceived danger.

8.) Shoulds.

Shoulds are similar to have-tos. Both are compulsive strategies attempting to control life. Shoulds are more closely related to guilt and societal expectations.

9.) Name Calling.

"I'm such a idiot!"  Putting yourself down is a cheap way of excusing yourself from conflict. After all, you can't really expect an "idiot" to handle life.

10.) Not caring.

 "I don't care if I upset her." Not caring is a form of denial. If you can insulate yourself with callousness, then you can remain in control, even if you mess up.

11.) Hostility.

 "As far as I'm concerned you can go straight to hell." Hostility repels. By pushing someone away, you create an insulation between you and them. Insulation is control.

12.)  Lying.

Why take any responsibility when you can control others by lying. If one reality doesn’t suit you, create another with lies.

13.) Manipulating.

People are malleable—a little white lie here, a bit of coercion there, and perhaps some feigned hysterics—these are all useful tools if you're trying to twist someone to your will. If you can manipulate others, you control them and the situation.       

14.) Mountain-out-of-molehill generalizing.

Generalizing is an attempt to prepare for the worst. If something is catastrophic and you anticipate it, then you're not going to be unprepared. It's all about not being caught off guard and unawares.

15.) Fatalistic thinking/doom and gloom. With mountain-out-of-molehill thinking, you're at least trying to prepare for and defend yourself from adversity. With fatalistic thinking, you’ve already thrown in the towel and given yourself permission to retreat.

What we call something is very important. Words shape the way we think and feel. When I think of an illness, I think of a sickness that infiltrates your body leaving you its victim. You catch a cold or the flu, if you step on a rusty nail, you contract tetanus. In my opinion, you don’t catch or contract anxiety or depression. You generate it! If you think of anxiety and depression as illnesses, than you can’t help but feel victimized! So, let’s change the language. Rather than illnesses or diseases, I’m going to suggest the rather heretical notion that anxiety and depression be seen as habits. Habits that you inadvertently generate by acquiescing to insecurity's incessant chatter of doubts, fears, and negative thinking [Please understand, in no way am I minimizing the seriousness of a clinical depression. From a Self-Coaching perspective, I'm only trying to empower you to take a more active role in your liberation from your suffering].

Sometimes, when you're walloped by life struggles you may feel you’re at a dead end. Perhaps a more apt perception would be a bottleneck. Because of habits of insecurity, you may find yourself constricted or bogged down. Just because something feels dead-ended doesn't mean it is. Why? Because feelings aren't facts! It's important to understand that insecurity will own you if it can convince you that things are hopeless. In life, if the front door is blocked, try the side door, the back door, the window...there's always a way, especially if you're patient and persistent. Your Self-Coaching motto needs to be: "Whatever it takes!"

If you're feeling frustrated with your life, perhaps it's time to recognize the simple truth that there are only two choices when it comes to getting what you want out of life. Choice #1: Moving toward what will fulfill you. Choice #2: Not moving at all. Don't waste time over-strategizing, deliberating, or hand-wringing, simply pick a goal and move. It's your motion that creates answers--not your caution.

Being human means accepting the fact that life can challenge us in many ways. Insecurity, emotional vulnerability, fear of making mistakes, uncertainty, anxiety, social survival, competition, loss, abandonment, and so on, represent just some of the many potential threats we encounter in our emotional “jungle.” In this Self-Coaching episode, Lauren and I discuss how the myriad array of circumstantial threats can make us feel like we’re lost in a jungle of mixed and frightening emotions. As disquieting as these emotions can be, it helps to have a strategy for navigating life’s inevitable challenges, and yet, as simplistic as it seems, sometimes all that’s necessary is a change of perspective.

A big part of why we struggle is because we've become attached and identified with our problems--insecurity is the tar and bad habits the feathers. If you're like most people, you probably feel that leopards can't change their spots. For leopards this may be true, but for you it's dead wrong. If you've been limited by your "spots," whatever they may be--lethargy, anxiety, self-doubt, fear, panic, depression, or apathy--then you need to be convinced that the power for change, real change, is a choice. Therapy, whether it's Self-Coaching or some other modality, can teach you that change is, in fact, a choice.

I was working with a man recently who wanted to leave his wife because of a head-over-heels office romance. Throughout the session he kept telling me how much he "loved" this woman. When I asked how long he knew this person, he replied, "Not that long, she was just transferred to our office a month ago." Clearly, what this guy was feeling was infatuation, not love. Infatuation and love are truly apples and oranges. In fact, one of the best examples of this can be found in Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet; two star-crossed lovers, caught up in the ecstasy of infatuated love. Symbolically, Romeo and Juliet had to die. Why? Because true love begins when an infatuation dies.

There’s a saying that goes: “If you aim at nothing, you’ll hit it every time.” The longer you do nothing about what you want out of life, the longer you will live with empty dreams. Wishful thinking can never replace purpose-driven action. A successful life doesn’t come looking for you; it must be sought, pursued and embraced. Starting today, aim at something, then pull the trigger of action.

Do you worry what people think of you? Do you typically find yourself focusing on your negatives? Are you always comparing yourself with others? If so, this EPISODE of Self-Coaching is for you. Whether you’re too sensitive or even hypersensitive, it’s important to get a handle on how low self-esteem can create a life of torment.

Join Lauren and I as we discuss various Self-Coaching strategies involved in combating the myriad struggles related to a lack of self-confidence, self-worth, or insecurity.

We allow ourselves to become victimized by pressures and incessant demands. Days come and days go, as we keep saying, "tomorrow I'll relax." Life is too precious to rationalize away with mindless compulsive striving. If you've never read the poem, Dust If You Must, than please take a minute to read it. Then after you're done, take another minute and decide how you want to spend your day. Dust if you must, but wouldn't it be better,To paint a picture or write a letter,Bake a cake or plant a seed,Ponder the difference between want and need?Dust if you must, but there's not much time.With rivers to swim and mountains to climb,Music to hear and books to read,Friends to cherish and life to lead.Dust if you must, but the world's out thereWith the sun in your eyes, the wind in your hair,A flutter of snow, a shower of rain.This day will not come 'round again.Dust if you must, but bear in mind,Old age will come and it's not always kind.And when you go and go you must,You, yourself, will make more dust.Author unknown

Most people experience social fears and anxieties from time to time. And for most people these fears are mild and short-lived. But for someone suffering from a Social Anxiety Disorder, the fears and anxiety are anything but mild or transient. Simple things like eating or drinking in public, making eye contact while talking, or using a public bathroom can all become insurmountable challenges.

From a Self-Coaching perspective, a habit-loop of insecurity has created a profound state of self-distrust and loss of confidence. This distrust is so pervasive that one is forced to constantly monitor every action, always trying to access the social dangers of the moment. Everyday life can become a living hell as someone with social anxieties tries to navigate in a world where they feel constantly in the spotlight, where every act is scrutinized and judged by others.

Typical symptoms associated with Social Anxiety Disorder are:

● Anxiety about being exposed to possible scrutiny or judgment by others

● Anxiety that you will act in a way that will be humiliating or embarrassing

● Anxiety in most social situations

● Attempting to avoid social situations, but if endured, creating intense stress and anxiety

● Persistence of social fears, avoidance, and anxiety

It's been said that the difference between a successful person and others is not a lack of strength or knowledge, but rather in a lack of will.” From a Self-Coaching perspective no one actually lacks “will,” it’s a matter of whether you apply it or abandon it.

Tired of endless dieting? Not getting results that last? IT’s time to change your relationship to food and change the way you look—for life!

This episode of Self-Coaching explores the emotional triggers and ingrained behavioral habits driving overindulgence. Lauren and I discuss powerful, simple Self-Coaching techniques that will help you break self-sabotaging cravings, compulsions, and emotional eating. You’ll learn to lose those extra pounds for good.

.See if you can resist the temptation of over-thinking your life today and instead, allow the day unfold, naturally and spontaneously. Be reactive rather than proactive. You might be surprised how effortless life can become. The late mythologist Joseph Campbell once said that we must be willing to relinquish the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us. Lose the self-doubt, be courageous to let go of your chronic fears, and by all means recognize that negativity is a habit that you don't have to indulge...do this and you'll find the life that's waiting for you.

When caught in a depressed mood, it's tempting to feel that life is too hard, that you can't go on. It's this type of thinking that winds up feeding and sustaining the mood. Consider trying this: do nothing!

All too often we go to battle with our negative, spiraling thoughts. We beat ourselves up, which only adds fuel to the dark mood. Instead, next time you're in a slump of negativity, don't engage in debate, guilt, or self recrimination--in essence, don't resist, simply yield. Just allow yourself to ride out the mood with the understanding and conviction that, 'this too shall pass.'

The key is not to get caught up in a dance with your depressed thoughts. The more you ruminate, worry, or antagonize yourself, the more you feed the mood instead of starving it. By letting it go, turning away, distracting yourself and not engaging a mood with persistent doubts, fears, or negatives, the more you allow yourself to reduce psychological friction while ensuring that you don't become a victim of your mood.

#depressedmood #depressionmood

Our hectic high-pressure world seems to reward multi-taskers. There is, however, a down side to squeezing more and more into your day-to-day life. Multi-taskers are prone to inheriting a fractured, stressful, life. Today, rather than doing your usual juggling, try doing less. Just keep in mind that whatever you do, do it with full attention, complete awareness, and a focused heart. You, may not accomplish every task, but you will have lived a less stressful, more fulfilling day. Sometimes, when it comes to happiness, less is more.

#multitasking #selfcoaching

In this episode, Lauren and I discuss the importance of sleep along with various Self-Coaching suggestions for falling asleep, staying asleep, and waking up refreshed. Learn how bed-time rituals and day-time habits play an important part in allowing the body and mind to naturally wind down at the end of the day in preparation for an easy transition to a restorative slumber. You’ll find out why sleep is a critical component in daytime productivity, mental well-being, and emotional balance.   

Dreams, nightmares, dream paralysis, and sleep walking are a just a few of the nocturnal phenomena discussed in this episode.

#sleep #sleepdifficulty

It's critical for you to recognize that the issues that come up in a relationship are rarely about who’s right and who’s wrong (although it may feel this way); it really has to do with perceptions of right and wrong. One spouse may feel that cheating on your taxes is a moral outrage, while the other partner may feel it’s a God-given right. Perceptions are about individual views, not necessarily about facts. It helps to embrace each other’s differences rather than the condescending partner insisting, “You’re wrong, I’m right.”

What's the difference between compulsive eating and addictive eating? Clearly, when it comes to food, not all compulsions are addictions. If however, you’ve been historically unsuccessful at “dabbling,” moderating, or limiting yourself with certain comfort food(s) (highly palatable salty, fatty or sugary foods), you may do well to suspect a food addiction. The essential difference between compulsion and addiction is that with compulsion you don’t build a physical tolerance (requiring more and more to get the same comfort, high, or relief that you once got), with addictions, you do. Another crucial difference is that compulsive behavior is typically driven by three factors: stressful circumstances, stressful emotions and/or habits, whereas addictions to food, although they may be spawned by life and emotional stressors (and may, in fact, incorporate compulsive striving), are primarily driven by a physiological need to experience the chemical "high" associated with a dopamine surge in your brain. Putting it bluntly, addictions alter your brain in such a way that it’s not far-fetched to say that an addiction simply winds up using you as its delivery system.

#foodaddiction #foodcompulsion #compulsiveeating

There once was a monastery that was so strict its inhabitants were only allowed to speak two words every ten years. A novice monk, after spending his first ten years at the monastery, was asked by the head monk, "It's been ten years. What are your two words?"

The monk replied, "Bed, hard." Another ten years passed and once again the novice monk was asked for his two words, "Food, stinks," he replied. After thirty years, the now elderly head monk once again asked for his two words, "I, quit," said the younger monk.

It doesn't surprise me," replied the old monk, "All you've done is complain these past thirty years!"

What about you? Have you been stuck, year after year, in endless complaining about your life? Isn't it time to say, "I quit!" Translation: stop being victimized by life.

● Remind yourself that anxiety and stress are not the same thing. Stress is a legitimate and objective response to a real life challenge. Anxiety is an illegitimate response (perpetrated by insecurity) that has you convinced you can't handle the challenge.

● Self-trust is a willingness to believe. The sooner you take the risk of believing that you can handle whatever life throws at you, the sooner you will be eliminating anxiety and reducing stress.

● Stress is experienced both physically as well as psychologically. When stressed work to distract yourself from the stressor. Try taking a time-out by meditating, going for a walk, watching a movie, or petting a dog. Anything that pulls your mind away from the stressor.

● In all life situations, recognize that you have a choice. You will experience more stress if you feel that you are a victim. Victims by definition are powerless. In order to empower yourself, you are going to need to recognize that, even if you can't change the circumstance of your stressor, you can change the way you think and interpret your circumstance.

● Don't wait until you are stressed, start building that trust-muscle today! Recognize that learning to trust is learning to risk believing in yourself, begin with small steps. Keep in mind, it isn't about always making the "right" choice, it's just being able to risk being you in the moment and finding out that even a poor choice, isn't the end of the world.

● As the AA adage goes: Let go, let God. Let go of the ego's insecure, controlling tendency to over-think and then, whether you call it God, fate, a higher power, or that in you which goes beyond the narrow view of the ego, trust the vast instinctual, intuitive potential that resides in you—waiting to be realized.

Bumble bees are not supposed to fly. Their body weighs too much and their wingspan is too short. Thank goodness the bumble bee doesn't know these facts.

Maybe you should ask yourself what are your "supposed facts" that are holding you back?

In this EPISODE my daughter Lauren and I discuss numerous Self-Coaching techniques for understanding and managing stress.

What causes stress in one person may be of little or no consequence to another. Some people are better able to handle stress than others, while others may start to panic over small insignificant challenges. Our bodies are designed to handle the inevitable stress of living (i.e., small doses of stress), unfortunately, we are not equipped to handle long-term, chronic stress without ill consequences. You may not be able to eliminate stress from your life, but you don’t have to be victimized by it either.

In graduate school we were assigned the rather morbid task of writing the epitaph for our tombstone. Let me tell you, it's not easy to sum up your life in one sentence. After much soul searching I came up with my tombstone epitaph, it will one day be etched with the following sentence: I'd rather be reading this.

Regardless of the circumstances that may be pressing against you, always keep in mind that as long as you're reading this, everything is possible.

#selfcoaching #optimism

If this sounds like you, this little story might help. Once upon a time, a monk who, walking along a mountain path encountered a man-eating tiger. Seeing a vine growing on the cliff face just below his path, the monk leaps off the edge grabbing hold of the vine. The vine begins to loosen and in the frozen moment before his fall and death, the monk notices a strawberry growing in the cliff face next to his vine. His last words before his death are, “What a magnificent strawberry, I think I’ll eat it.”

This story illustrates being totally in the moment. For the monk, there was no past, no future, no tigers, no cliffs; there was only that pristine moment filled with an appreciation of that magnificent strawberry. As you practice letting go of your doubts, fears, and negatives, you put yourself in a position of noticing the wonderful strawberries that populate your world. Living more in the moment takes practice and patience, but the payoff is enormous. You will begin to grow in confidence and self-trust. And once you’re no longer living with chronic anticipatory fear and worry, you can risk letting go of any struggle and become totally engrossed in watching a sunset, listening to an opera, playing with your children, or soaking in a warm bath.

When you think of a turtle, what comes to mind? Its shell, right? When life gets too rough for turtles, they just pull inside their old shells and wait for better times. Humans don't have shells, but sometimes they act as though they do. Anxiety and depression can encourage turtle behavior. For the overly anxious person, pulling into a shell of avoidance may provide an effective vacation from chronic or intense stress, and for the beleaguered, depressed person, crawling into a shell can provide a sanctuary that makes the intolerable tolerable.

All turtle experiences have one thing in common: they allow you to retreat from some aspect of life where you feel a loss of control. Once in your shell, you feel protected and secure, in control. When used occasionally to recharge your psychic batteries, turtle behavior can actually be beneficial. Unfortunately, an innocent tendency to "kick back" and regroup, especially when combined with insecure thinking, can progress into a serious habit of avoiding life's demands.

#avoidance #insecurity #selfcoaching

Imagine that you’re on your patio. You notice a cute little pigeon milling about, pecking and minding its own business. You toss it a few crumbs from a sandwich you were eating. The next day you go out to your patio and within minutes your little pigeon buddy reappears--with a companion. Enthusiastically, you throw out a few more crumbs. By the end of the week you're inundated with hundreds of pigeons leaving your once pristine patio a shamble of feathers, droppings, and a cacophony of cooing. You ask, "What should I do?"

The simple answer is, "Stop feeding the pigeons!"

If you allow reflexive, knee-jerk, insecure thinking to flock into your life with needless worry, fear, or negativity, then you're feeding the pigeons of insecurity. And if you insist on feeding your insecurity, the distasteful truth is that you will suffer. From now on, keep the image of the pigeons in mind every time you find yourself spinning with insecurity-driven thinking, then remind yourself to, "Stop feeding the pigeons!"

It's a mistake to think that being courageous means you're fearless. The courageous person doesn't eliminate fear, he/she manages it.

Are you a “yes” person? A “people pleaser?” Learn how to take care of your true needs and desires.

A line from the comic strip Pogo read, “We have seen the enemy and he is us.” Take heart, because in life it is not adversity, hardship, or even bad luck that is our enemy—it is us! Insecurity, doubt, fear, and negativity are the enemy in us. Trust, confidence, hope, and optimism are the heroic in us. Which side will you fight for?

• It’s user friendly. Self-Coaching from its very inception was designed to minimize the dependency of a patient on his or her therapist.
• The concepts make common sense. You don’t need a Ph.D. to understand what’s going on and what you need to do to progress.
• By treating anxiety, depression, and emotional struggle as habits, you eliminate the need for endless interpretations. You learn what you’re doing that feeds these habits and what you can do to starve them.
• By learning specific exercises that require active practice, you actually restructure your brain. Old brain-habits are neutralized (unlearned), and new positive habits are established.
• And now, two words that will change your life—Insecurity and Control. Here’s the Cliff Note on Insecurity and control: once you understand that insecurity is the source of your suffering and that trying to compensate by (over) controlling life is your neurotic remedy, you will begin to see that anxiety, depression, worry, compulsion, phobias, and even addictions are all feeble attempts to ward off vulnerability in a world where self-trust, confidence, and hope have been compromised.

1.  Always do the best you can. Nothing more, nothing less.
2.  Never, ever, criticize your efforts.
3. Learn to celebrate and appreciate your efforts rather than your successes.